Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The weight of it all

VonDad was not much one for giving me advice.  Oh, I'm very sure he had his opinions on everything a lot of things in my life, but he pretty much kept them to himself.
I would have to ask repeatedly, sometimes beg for some sage words.

Except for once, that I remember.
And it was not long before he passed away.

VonParents and I were having dinner, our typical every other Thursday thing.  I was going on and on and on how LM was not responding to me, saying one thing then not doing it, listing off the last four or five times that I had contacted her with no response or return call from her when VonDad interupted me (something else he never did)
"Look, Von...." and he steepled his fingers and bounced them off each other, as he often did when he was thinking something through
"How much longer are you going to let this go on?"
"She's a shitty friend. This is obvious.  Sure, you've been mean and bitchy and whatever, but you've apologized for it.  What more can you do?"
"I, um,'s a long time and...."
"Yes, it's been a long time. But how long has it been since this has been a two person friendship? A very long time. You're upset. You don't need to be.  Clearly, she's not who we thought she was, she's not a good friend, and you shouldn't waste any more of you time on that."
***tears (on my part)***
VonDad moves around to sit closer to me, puts his hand on mine
"You deserve better than that.  You deserve better than her.  I think it's time you let this go.  She's not worth it, hasn't been for a long time."

And that was the end of the conversation.  What VonDad was telling me was to let go of the person who I thought would be my forever best friend.  The one person who knew me better than all others, and the person who would be my memory when we grew old. 
I didn't listen to VonDad, then.

Time passed, VonDad passed, more time passed.

This past weekend, I was thinking about VonDad, and all of the things he taught me.  I realized that while I fought it, he was almost always right.  At least he knew what was right for me. 

So, I let it go. LM and all that we had been and all that we could have been no longer exist for me.  This comes from a deep deep pain of knowing that someone just does not care after 22 + years.  Sure, I made mistakes, and was awful sometimes, but when called out on it, I apologized and offered to try to be better.  I was never given that chance.  I own all of the blame that led to a weakening and tearing of things.  However, I am not the only one at fault - LM is no saint either.  From the little things to the big, she knows what she is also guilty of.  And she is 100% at fault for throwing the friendship away like it was garbage.

So, instead of hating or disliking or whatever, I have cut her and all of those tied to her out of my life.  No facebook, no emails no nothing.  All reminders have been stored away, to be thrown out at a later date ( not up to the task right now).  I don't even have the energy to spend on negativity on the topic.
After this blog post, she just does not exist.

Now, unfortunately, because we had been friends for so long, our lives might still cross paths, as many of my friends are also her friends.  I come to peace with the fact that at our mothers' wakes we will see each other - in my opinion, our parents aren't to blame for what happened.  I was devasted when her Dad died.  There are other wakes and maybe weddings and baby showers and occasions that she may attend (or not, her life seems to be something else entirely now), but I know how to be a grown up.  That, and I'll just treat her like the stranger she has become.

Sure, I have lots and lots of friends.  I meet new people all of the time, and I'm quick to form bonds with many of them.  I even have a very best friend, who has been for a long, long time.  Shannon knows all of the ins and outs of crazy ole me, and I think she's in it for the long haul.  I also have Chris, more family than friend, I adore her. She's given me precious God-daughter - the closest thing I'll ever have to my own child. I tell these two that I love them all the time, because I do, and I would not survive this life without them.  Between Shannon and Chris, I'd be just fine, but I'm also so lucky to have many more people who I know would be there for me, because they are there for me now, through this.  They don't judge, they just comfort, and that's more than enough.  You all know who you are, right?

I will not lie, though, this is going to be painful for a while.  There is no one who has that much history, that much inside knowledge of me and what I've been through.  Some of the worst experiences of my life LM helped me through - and some of the best. 

But it's time I start listening to VonDad's advice - so long fought for and so thoughtfully given.

So, goodbye, LM - you no longer exist.  I hope you also know this means you are no longer welcome on this blog.  Go read something else, m'kay?


Michael said...

Yowza, Kick-ass.

Lauren said...

/hugs for mah Vonnie

Hillary said...

Good luck, Von. You need many hugs and I'd give them, but you're way over there. Sad times.

Brando said...

I'm sorry, even if it sounds like the right thing to do.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

I don't know the backstory, but I respect your judgment. It's hard cutting loose someone after so many years, but sometimes you have to put your own needs first.