Monday, September 24, 2012

Best feeling ever!


I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted.
I'd apologize for that, but no.  I haven't had anything decent to write about, and I didn't want to bore you.
I didn't realize, however, that it had been almost a month.
For that, I suck.



For those of you who have read this blog from the beginning, you know that I have "the one that got away", and sometimes I write posts about him.  And I sigh and I tear up and I pine.
So, for this story, let's call him GA (GotAway, got it?!?)

Yesterday, I went to my new super fun bar where I play fantasy football.  For no reason at all I decided to look super cute.  Jeans that fit, no saggy butt, a very cute Bears tshirt (vneck, cleavage), did my hair - I looked kinda adorable.
I was very early, I wanted to get a good seat for the game.  I was sitting by myself playing with my phone when a couple walked in.  They stopped right in front of where I was sitting, and had their backs to me. 
"Hi, GA. Hi DirtyWhoreWhoStoleHimFromMe"  calm as all get out.
They turn around - "Oh! HI Von!"
They asked if they could sit by us, I had to say no, I was saving seats for fellow fantasy players.

Admittedly - at first I FREAKED OUT.  I was so irate they were there.  I started drinking a lot more quickly than I had planned.  I texted everyone I could think of who would understand the importance of the crisis of GA AND his lady being there.

My FF friends showed up and I decided just to let it all go and have a good time with the people I was there with.  GA and LF (lady friend, I guess. I can think of other things that start with L and F, but I digress)  were sitting far enough away, yet within my line of sight so I could keep an eye on them.   Looked like I wasn't the only one who was pounding the drinks.....

By the middle of the first quarter, GA started hugging me everytime he was near me.  I expected sparks and stars, and got neither. 
Around the middle of the second quarter, GA asked me if I was staying for the whole game.  I gave him the blank stare - of course I was staying.  He asked me to do a shot with him in honor of our friend who had passed away, and also for VonDad.  I agreed to that.

Half time rolls around, and I have to go in the other room to play our FF league game of Bozo buckets.  Good times.  I walk back over to the other side, and there's four shots of Jaeger lined up on the bar.  Four? I wonder? 
GA tells me to go get "my friend"
"Um.....(I look around) Which one?"  Not being a bitch, here, just really have no clue who he's referring to...
Light bulb goes off, I go get Pete, my 24 year old league Commish. 
He comes and does the shot.  LF gets mad because GA does not clink his shot glass against hers, so she refuses to drink it......mmm hmmm, that happened.
So, LF orders two more shots.  Apparently "my friend" is off the hook for GA's flub, and now the three of us are going to do another shot.
OK FINE.  GA makes sure to clink glasses with LF, while keeping his other hand around my back.
I say thanks and move off to my people.  I can tell LF is getting drunk, and I know better than to hang around that hot mess too long.....

Third quarter, and I am showing some of the FF folks my most recent tattoo.  GA walks over and looks at it too.  He says "I still have mine"
His?  MY INITIALS, above a broken heart, quite large, on his arm.  I'm SURE that LF likes seeing that when they get naked together.......
This should have sent some sort of flutter across my heart place.
GA walks away.

The room gets very bright.  A choir of angels starts singing.  I have the greatest moment of clarity in my life.
The 14 years of what ifs and pining and love songs and unrequited whatever? All B.S.!!!
The fantasy, turns out, is leaps and bounds better than the reality!!!
He's......used up.  And.....not that attractive anymore - I don't see Dennis Quaid in him AT ALL anymore!  He looks pretty unhappy. 
A 14 year weight lifted off my heart,then my shoulders, then my brain!!

I realized in that moment that the years I had with him - the intense ones of black leather jackets, a 69 Mustang, the letters and love songs and fighting and making up and midnights showing up at my house and me sneaking out to meet him and lying in the grass looking at the stars and knowing I loved him and he loved me the best that he knew how - those were his best years.  And I had them. 
What/who he is now?  I don't want that.  And I certainly do not NEED that.

I started smiling.  Making jokes with complete strangers.  Have a great time.
Middle to end of the fourth quarter, I noticed LF was shooting death stares my way.  GA and LF seemed to be bickering.  Uh oh - I knew this was not going to bode well for me.
Bears win!! I hang around about 10 minutes more. 
More death stares from LF.
This is my cue.
I say good bye to my FF friends, and promise to see them next time.  I say good bye to GA.  So much more meaning behing my "Good bye!!"  He hugs me (900th time of the day) and reminds me to say good bye to LF.
I lean over and say "Good bye, LF"
She responds: "Im gonna move to Alllllasha."
"Imma mooove to Allasha so you two canbetogether....."
I laugh - my real, genuine, I feel it in my bones laugh "Ok, LF. See you."
GA hugs me AGAIN (this is not shocking to you, at this point I'm sure."
I smile at him.
I grab my things.
I go home.
I fall asleep smiling, and guess what?
I wake up this morning, smiling. 
I'm smiling so much, I look like I have the best secret in the world. 
And who's smiling back? EVERYONE.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Tumbling around in my brain

I went away for the long weekend. Again.  Went to Michigan with the Tricycle.  For those of you that are new, the Tricycle of Awesome are Shannon, TheMarty and I.

It was a perfectly quiet, lazy, calm relaxing few days.  I even got to dog-sit their delightful pups Sophie and Schatzie for a few hours. 

I read a lot, drank some, played 7 Wonders a lot (Best.Game.Ever.), slept a lot.
The three of us have this very familial thing that means we do not have to talk every second, or entertain, or be entertained.
"Should we go to Cracker Barrel tomorrow?"
"Are we going to watch the new Doctor Who tonight?"

I spent some time reflecting on my year so far.  I've decided that 2012 has been better than 2011, in leaps and bounds.  The gaping hole from losing my dad is still there, but it reminds me to do better, be better, behave better.

I've let L go (2011's lapse in judgement), and have tried to be open and kind and above board with 2012's dating-ness.  I've decided to let one of my dudes go. I let him know as nicely as I could, I feel my karma is fully intact.  I'm also learning to deal with "dating" someone who is busier than I am.  While I always thought it was what I wanted, I'm finding it pretty difficult to do.  So, if it works out or doesn't, I've learned there is such a thing as too busy, and I need to make some adjustments if I really want a real relationship.

I've decided to return to a project that has been on my mind for some time.  And, I'm doing something about it to make sure that I do it.  I got myself a motivator/coach of sorts.  Someone I care about and trust 100%.  She's already given me homework, and while I didn't quite get to my goal yesterday, I think I can today, and that's the important part.*

I am incredibly happy with both of my jobs.  I thought about whether I have a Career right now, and if I should, etc.  I don't know if my day job defines Career, but I am VERY good at what I do, and because of that, I am proud of myself.  I also am proud of myself for taking my life-long love of all things music and with some patience I have gotten myself my second job.  I was embarrassed, for a while, that it took me over five years to go from brand new volunteer to concert staff.  Why? Who decided the time line on that? Who was I letting down by not getting hired sooner, or somewhere else?  I've let all of that down crap go, and can now just be happy that I am where I am at Old Town, and that I got there myself. 

I want to make some sort of home improvement.  I have been in my apartment for almost 13 years now, and I need some freshening up.  I have zero dollars, so maybe I'll just re-organize my kitchen?  I am starting a list of little projects I can do.

I'd like to take a little long weekend to visit some of my family in MI.  I haven't seen many of them in years, and it could be fun.  It could also be stressful and weird, but who knows.  I'd like to do this alone - take the Amtrack and figure out who to see when (not all of my relatives get along with each other).  Pretty sure VonMom and VonSis don't think that I'll actually go, or, if they do think I'll go, I think they're wondering why I'd want to.
I love my family, all of them, regardless of their connection to me.  That being said, I'd like to spend some time with some people who are actually related to me by blood.  I don't really see how I can be faulted for that. 

*Yes, this is intentionally vague.  All will be revealed in good time. It may be a loooong time from now, but eventually.