Can't stand.

I was going to write a warm/fuzzy about you all, and my birthday and gratitude and all that. But, it'll have to wait. So Some dumb bitch named MAURA KELLY (I capitalize to remember, because I have to remember) over at Marie Claire wrote an "article". Not sure if it would be called an article, or an op/ed piece. To me, it's just crap. She wrote about her abject horror at the show "Mike and Molly", which, in her opinion, is a show about morbidly obese people doing things. Um. She actually says she cannot watch the show, because she can't see morbidly obese people not only making out, but doing anything. She did admit to having some "plump" friends, so that makes her NOT A SIZEIST. My guess? Her plump friends are about sizes 6 or 8. So, the normal people of the world rose up, and as we do now, wrote about a thousand (actual, not a made up number) comments - most calling for her to get fired etc. She printed an "apology". NOT AN APOLOGY when you say "yes, but" a bunch of times, and offer weight loss advice. You, MAURA KELLY, are not a registered nurse, or dietician, or um.....anything. We fatties are fat, NOT STUPID. The magazine itself - MARIE CLAIRE - has yet to issue an apology, or statement, or retraction, or whatever. HEY MARIE CLAIRE, YOU PUBLISHED THAT SHIT - YOU ARE EQUALLY CULPABLE. At the very least, they need to fire that ignorant, hateful bitch. At best, they need to give me her email/address/phone number. I would love to give her a piece of my fat mind, and then break some fat fingers on her smug, skinny, likely fugly face. It's people like her that make my life about a million times more difficult than it needs to be. So, using my bloggy for something good here - I'm calling for a boycott of Marie Claire - until they print an apology and fire Maura Kelly.

Not going to do it, wouldn't be prudent....

I was thinking about doing NaPoBloMo this time around. Then I thought - What, am I stupid? I don't blog for others, I blog for me. I would not be challenging myself, I'd be doing it because other people were doing it and when have I ever done something just people other people were doing it?* ** So, I'm not going to do it. I know what would happen, I'd come out strong out of the gate, loose steam, and start cat-vacuuming. Y'all deserve better than that. I've been informed that Zoe and Zeb (Zombies that unlive on my desk) may want to write a post soon. Well, Halloween is coming up, and they don't ask for much, so I might have to let one or the other of them go for it. *hey, grammar police, that's and intentional run-on sentence ** Ok, so I started smoking because the cool kids were doing it, but that was a loooong time ago.

Can I graduate?

A vote was taken. Damn. 5 votes we play "Champagne Supernova" 4 votes we play "I've Just Seen a Face". Damn! TeacherMan "Can I ask why you don't want to play Champagne Supernova?" No one said anything, so of course, I HAD TO "Well, I hate Oasis so much that it hurts me in my heart place to have to play that song. And sing it. It physically pains me." TeacherMan "Wow. Ok. So, you don't like that song, or you don't like the band?" "Well, the band. They suck. Make my ears bleed. I'm just saying." Hot guy who had voted for CS over IJSAF originally: "Can we play the Beatles tune faster? Can we try that?" We pick it up to about 80% of actual speed. AND it went well. Better than that, we sounded good. Song over. Hotguy "I'd like to change my vote." We have a new winner!! "I've Just Seen a Face" now has five votes! It's a full moon, and I'm sleep deprived so, of course, I say "Remind me to buy you a beer." Hotguy leans over, winks and nods. Yes please. About 15 minutes later we're on stage at Old Town, belting out the Beatles at 80% speed. And I was smiling. And playing with the group, hitting all of the chord changes. For that reason, I consider myself graduated. On to Guitar 2 I go. On the way out, I ran into the biggest Oasis fan in our class. "Hey, I'm sorry about the song." "It's ok, both songs were good choices." "I'll see you next week." Today was a pretty good day. falling.....oh yes I'm falling.....and she keeps calling.....me back again......

This full moon has got me so tightly by the throat Michael Hutchence would be jealous. I'm practically foaming at the mouth here. Teh FB is a huge contributor to my moonrage. Man, people say some of the dumbest shit on there. I'd like to ban these types of status updates: weather, unborn children, health of self or children, things like "staying in bed with my love today!" um, and facebooking, asshole. I'm sure your love just loves that. Also in my craw - bad drivers. Really bad ones. I got in a kinda scary road rage thing with an Audi full of cobags last night. They did that karma foul of when we all pulled over to let an ambulance by, he pulled ahead into the empty space. Me being me, I rolled down my window and said "You KNOW you're a fucking douchebag, right?" I had to say it two or three times, just to make sure he heard me. He did, so did his fellow cobags in the car. He sat in the middle of the street at one point, just foot on the brakes. I sat right on his bumper and flashed my brights enough to upset just about any epileptic. Not looking forward to dinner with VonParents next week. I have a thing about not wanting to eat out with VonMom like ever, for fear she's going to call me out in public for what or how much I'm eating. Not going to be fun for me. I'm hoping to drive myself, so I can escape should I need to. And of course, we have to go to dinner at 5:00. No, they aren't 80, more like 60 and 70, but they don't always act as young as they should. My iPod showed me the Linkin Park/JayZ album cover for a Kelly Clarkson song. Hm. That probably should not happen. iPod is also asking to be thrown out the window because it keeps throwing out Christmas songs when it's on shuffle. And I don't have that many Christmas songs on it!! Yes, iPod, I know the stores are already ho-ho-hoing, but you don't really need to go there yet, mkay? Politicians. I know, IT'S A BIG ELECTION YEAR blah blah blah. I just want to watch my shows with out hearing how much so and so sucks. Guess what? You all suck. I really hate that we only have two choices for Governor. Um, let's see A) The incompetent that's in there now who is useless and dumb or B) the millionaire who doesn't pay taxes, is a Republican, is super ultra Pro-Life, and doesn't believe in equal pay/benefits for women. Awesome. Maybe I'll move to Canada. I hear Vancouver is nice. Soooo, if you're wondering where I've been lately, super bitch Evil Von, well, look no further. I'm back with my lovely misanthropic self. Happy Fucking Friday.

Just a reminder.....

Shannon, MenD and Jennifer...... and anyone else that wants in on my superduper good graces You have ONE WEEK to provide baked good featuring the aliens from Toy Story, preferrably with their cute little green mouths forming the "oooooh" as in "Ooooooh, the claw!" Shannon might get a pass until MI get away that's coming up. I'm thinking she can make me my requested (ok, demanded, I demanded it) birthday meal while we're in Michigan. but the rest of you...... gets to bakin'

Mish mosh

What's on my desk, that probably shouldn't be:

• Two crocheted Zombies, Zoe and Zeb.
• One Zombie Surfer key chain.
• One Donnie Wahlberg NKOTB world tour doll.
• Two Hello Kitty figures.
• One elephant mini squirt gun
• One alien in a space ship top
• One bottle MAC Fix+ mist

Yes, I do think I'm a grown up.

My computer is fixed. For the low low price of $100. Well, it was actually going to be $60, but they offered to install a new (and WORKING!) Norton anti-virus, so that was $40 more. Eldest StepBro wrote "I'm insulted" on my fb. I wrote back " You don't get to be". I didn't even know he was back from wedding#2 in Hong Kong, so whatever.

I am not pleased with my gd shuffle feature today. Kinda hate everything it's spitting at me today. Except the Muppet Show theme song, because that's AWESOME

I've finally done it, I cut my nails on my left hand only, leaving the right hand loooong. Know why? That's right, little troopers, because that's what guitar players do. And I'm a guitar player!

Speaking of guitar. Graduation is this Saturday. We're either playing "I've just seen a face" or "Champagne Supernova". I HATE Oasis, so I really don't want to so probably won't be practicing that one, and keeping my fingers crossed that we'll play the Beatles instead. One can only hope.

My knee is about 68% better. As in I can almost walk down a flight of stairs without looking like a 90 year old.

And that's what you get for today, a bunch of things rolling around in my head.

Crazy busy

Friday night, I volunteered at the 10pm Patty Loveless show at Old Town. Normally, I would NEVER work a late show, but man, I just love her. So, I worked it. I was not disappointed, she sang all of my favorites: "Blame it on Your Heart", "Here I Am", etc. And as the coolest place ever did not let me down. I was out in the foyer or office for a lot of the show because I was head vol. Bummed to be hearing but not seeing Patty Loveless was tempered by the fact that I kept running into MeShell Ndgeocello. Like a lot. Like we got to the point of laughing about it. MeShell was in for two shows and Old Town on Saturday and was pretty much just hanging out there. Awesome. So, needless to say, I got to bed really really late on Friday. Or early Saturday. Saturday: Leave at 8am for knee doc appointment. Knee doc stuff. Massage/heat/electro-shock therapy*/ultrasound therapy Grab a quick breakfast. Drop off laptop for repair. Guitar class. Head to Lakeview to watch Nebraska v Texas game. To VonParents to drop off borrowed chairs. Pick up dinner. Home, a little over 12 hours after I left. Was hoping for a nice QUIET night at home,with much sleeping. Didn't happen due to very very loud very very inconsiderate neighbors. They were in our yard, not their yard, until very very late. IT was loud and horrible and evil and now I hate them. *I'm supposed to say it's "muscle stim", but I prefer electro-shock therapy. That's what it feels like, and it sounds soooo much cooler.

Also broken?

Laptop. Was downloading the new version of iTunes, and computer froze up. iTunes icon disappeared. All songs are still on the computer, but I can't get to them. I tried to re-download iTunes upgrade, no such luck. Awesome. what.next.

Today I feel like this song, Broken:

Between my knee, my car, my finances, and my heart.....this song has been on repeat in my head oh, all week now.

A sign?

Our last night in New York, we walked (pretty far) to dinner. I was walking with LB4, my super awesome rep from San Francisco. We were chatting, she has a beagle puppy named Cooper. I had told her about Charlie before, and she was making me laugh with awesome stories of Cooper's shenanigans. We were stopped at a red light at the corner of Central Park and something. LB4 grabbed my arm just as a little, tiny beagle puppy ran at us and jumped up at me. I looked at the owner and said "Can I pick him up?" she said yes, so I picked up the little ball of fluffy awesomeness. The little thing was all lovey on me, licking my face and making the same yelpy-whiny noises Charlie used to make. "What's his name?" I said, mid cuddle "Charlie" I damn near dropped the little guy. I teared up a little bit, kissed the little puppy head and put him down. I thanked the lady and we crossed the street. LB4 looked at me. "It's a sign" I didn't think much of it, but since that day, I've been yearning to pet every single dog that crosses my path, and I do, almost every day. Yesterday, I met Preston, a super sweet rescued greyhound. He loved me about as much as I loved him. To the point when it was time to part way, he just leaned on my legs and ignored his lady. It's time. It's past time, I think. Sure, thinking of my little perfect Charlie still can make me cry, but it's been three years, and I'm starting to think that if we don't act soon, we may never get another dog. I'm standing strong on our criteria: no puppies, male dog, rescue dog, hopefully mutt. Ok, truth be told, I really REALLY want a beagle or puggle or pug or bull dog, but I know getting a mutt is the best thing. Now, to convince VonSis and VonBroinLaw that we should do this. That's going to be the hard part.

Stupid is stupid

Saturday afternoon, I'm heading to my part time gig. It's way down in Lincoln Park, so I'm taking the El. The Brown line, to be specific. Normally, I park on the north side of the Rockwell stop, but the other day there wasn't any parking, so I headed over to the south side of the stop. I found a good spot, gathered my stuff and headed to the stop. Of course, right as I'm about to cross, the gates go down and the lights and bells start their thing. That's when I see Stupid Asshole (here after referred to as SA) in his stupid blue car. SA is on the other side of the crossing, but I notice him because he's in the wrong lane. As in the on-coming traffic lane. As in the lane that doesn't have a train gate. SA is thinking he's going to go around, beat the train. Shit. I look at him he looks at me I look at the train that's right there he looks straight ahead... I scream "DUDE!!!!" and throw my hands up in a very clearly STOP kind of way he decides to cross And gets hit by the El train. I would have been stunned except for the car bumper shrapnel that came flying under the el train at me and my legs. Thank God I was wearing jeans. I smell burningness. I see the car is not where I had been when it tried to cross, but on the other side of the road. I see the people on the train all going to that side to see what's up. I don't know if he's hurt or worse, or if anyone on the train is hurt. I'm kind of standing there, refusing to look down at my legs. I don't think I'm hurt, but I don't really want to know, so I'm not looking. All I'm thinking is 'I have to get to work' I start to walk back to my car, and I encounter a police officer. "Did you see what happened?" "Yes. Yes, I did" "Are you ok?" "Yes. Yes, I am. Some pieces of bumper came flying at my legs but.....I have to go to work." The cop asks me to go around to the other side, where the accident was. Ok, I'm not going anywhere anyway, as the trains are still held up. I get in my car and drive back around to the other side. Here, I can see that the driver - clearly not hurt - has run off, and left his car and his passenger behind. His car is 10 shades of messed up. The gate that he decided to go around ended up going through his back seat windows when the train spun the car 180. There's glass and car parts and burning stink everywhere. And people. There's lots of people. No one had been close by when the accident happened, thank God, because they might have been injured too. There are police and fire men, EMTs and reporters. I'm seeing all of this with the sparkly clarity of shell shock. I'm texting my boss. I'm going to be late. You are too. Trains aren't running. Car hit train. I saw the whole thing. I'm talking to the people, and I become The Girl That Saw the Whole Thing. The trains start moving, so I decide I'm going to get my stuff, and go to work. This is still all I'm thinking about. The cop who had first stopped me approached me again. He asked me for my statement. He said the passenger said some huge line of bull shit that made no sense. "Did that happen?" "No. No, this is what happened." I gave my statement. Now, I'm mad at SA for being such a SA. Really really mad. The cop thanks me for my statement, and now wants to address the bumper shrapnel that I'm pretending didn't happen. "Can you show me your legs?" I just sigh and lift up my jeans legs one at a time, expecting the worst. of all the gd days to not shave my gd legs.... Thankfully, there were no plastic shards sticking out of my legs, just a few scratches and scrapes. gd it, there are now some tears in my jeans, now I'm really mad!! The cops take some pictures of the scrapes and scratches, and thank me for my time. Nothing major on the injury front. And I go to work. Now, on to getting the sights/sounds/smells of the impact out of my brain. Think that might take some time. And for that, I'm really pissed. Stupid asshole.

The ABC's of me......

Acts strangely Behaves badly Comforts readily Divulges frequently Exclaims heartily Fawns guilelessly Gives selflessly Hugs whole-heartedly Interacts readily Jokes indecently Kisses softly Loves romantically Moves slowly Naps religiously Opines honestly Pines quietly Quiets rarely Remembers vividly Sings lovingly Trusts sparingly Understands, basically Vents wildly Works it occasionally eXplains briefly Yearns internally Zeros in pleasantly

Gentle reminder

*AHEM* It's October 1st. This is a gentle reminder There are a few people out there. four, I think Who have agreed/promised me a baked good featuring the aliens from Toy Story. Preferrably with the cute little alien mouth forming the "oooooh" as in "Oooooh, the claw!!!"

Better gets to bakin' people. You have 27 days to complete you mission - give or take.

I'll try to post pictures of what I get. Because, you know, there should be four different baked goods. Ok, maybe three. I just know one's from an artist, another from a Canadian, and yet another from 1/3 of the Tricycle of Awesome.

Anyone else want to give me some baked goods with the Toy Story Alien renderings on them?

P.S. - no fondant. Fondant is crap.