So, Goodbye for now

I've thought about this a lot. 
I didn't sleep much last night, weighing the pros and cons, making a list, all of the things a person is supposed to do before making a decision.

Here is the end of this blog.

I almost wish I hadn't named it to include my name, because in a way, it feels like the end of me.

But I know that it's not.

I had the best intentions.  Ok, maybe not the best, but pretty good ones.  I wanted to write, to practice writing, to become a part of something.

I know this was a blog about nothing.  I know it was an angry rant, most times. 
Please know - while it was me, all of me, I'm not always that person.  I enhanced some tales for entertainment value, stretched the truth to get the laugh. 
I have feelings - I get hurt.  I have super happy silly days and some not so much. 


I am sorry this past year has been pretty crappy over here.  I've written a few posts that were more for me, to get my feelings out of my head and onto something I can go back and re-read - I've always had a bad memory.

I hope to still be around, I'm going back to just commenting.  I think I'm better at that anyway.  Turns out I can't do this. 

So, I'm sorry to everyone for everything.

To all of you

Even I thought I'd have written something sooner than now.

I am shocked and embarrassed to see how many days into November it is, and not a word from me.

Ideas have come and gone and been developed and discarded.

I'm afraid for this blogging thing. 

I'm afraid that I can't keep it up, and for no good solid reasons.

I'm afraid that my "community" is also flailing a little too.

I never realized before how much I actually (real life) like you people, until now - until I think that I'm losing you. Most of you. Some of you.

I've come to miss the actual emails and phone calls and texts and visits and developing friendships that used to happen.

I miss the catty chats on teh FB that I would have with some of you ladies, usually riling me up to start something with other ladies we don't like very much.

I hadn't really appreciated what I had here, until my Dad passed away.  That day, the third person I called (of all of the many many people in my life) was one of you.  And through her, this community rallied around me and showed me so much love and compassion and kindness - so much more than I probably even deserved. 

Up to that day, I thought I was a small time jester in a very large, much smarter court.

So today - no snark, no bitchiness, none of that -

I miss you - all of you.  I hold on to my friends as tightly as I can, because I feel if someone is in my life, they are valuable to me and I need to hang on to them, because they add to my value.  I feel I am losing this community, and I really don't want that.

So help me hold on somehow.