Way TMI

Dear Ladies (who also use the 23rd floor bathroom), I think we need to clear up some misconceptions here. Get your heads on straight. Because, quite honestly, you all and your nasty is killing me. Some points to ponder:

• I don't care who told you what - your shit does stink
• On that note, "courtesy flush". If you don't know what that is, for the love of God, google it
• The Oust is there. Right there, where you're looking, USE IT
• Is there a good reason you shake your hands ALL OVER the floor before you reach the paper towel dispenser?
• I know you - yes, YOU - don't wash your hands all that often. That's just wrong on so many levels
• I probably will not tell you if you have spinach in your teeth. I don't like you, you don't bother to talk to me at any other point ever, plus I think it's funny
• If you happen to be the person who broke the toilet (it won't stop flushing ever) just call JP. How hard is it?
• I don't really like to talk when I'm doing my business, so please, don't ask me about my weekend, my day, the weather while I'm in the stall
• When you spray perfume all over like a teenager using Axe for the first time we all suffer. And there is no circulation in that bathroom. I don't like Happy, or Gio, or Glow, I don't want to wear/taste/have it permeate my person

Thanks very much,

A fed-up co-user of said facilities.

Yes please. Come to momma

Please tell me I'm not the only person on God's green Earth watching "Sons of Anarchy?" So much to love/salivate over/quote/covet about this show!!! First of all - the theme song: "the Dream we left behind" by Pedestrian. If you haven't heard this song, please go listen to it. It's classic rockyish awesomeness. Secondly - Charlie Hunnam (who plays Jax) OMFG - Hot. I'm completely indifferent to how old he is in real life or how old his character is, I'm going cougar on that ass. That fine fine fine ass. And ladies? Yes, there is at least one scene I know of that there's a nice shot of said ass. (Season two, episode one. You're welcome) Not to mention Katey Segal as his mother and Ron Perlman as his really bad step-father. Katey Katey Katey. I would absolutely not want to meet her in a dark alley! Her character, Gemma, is the baddest of bad ass mothers (or should that be mothas?) I've ever seen on t.v. She could kick my ass in a second, shoot me with one of the three guns she carries, and not break a sweat or displace a single awesomely highlighted hair on her head. Ron Perlman - sure, you're thinking Beast, or Hellboy, I was too. But once you catch sight of him being a supreme bad ass and having *ahem* relations with more than a few MC hangers on you'll know him as Clay - President of SAMCRO. SAMCRO - for those who don't know (and why don't you know!?) is Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Original. The bikers are all awesome. It's kind of like watching the seven dwarfs - on some really bad crack. I also should mention a couple of other guys who are on the show these days. The current "bad guys" or worse guys I guess, are Adam Arkin and Henry Rollins. Yes, THAT Henry Rollins. Ooops. I have to go wipe the saliva off my keyboard. Take this as a public service announcement! GO watch "Sons of Anarchy" on FX. It's on Tuesdays at 9pm my time. You won't be disappointed. You can thank me by buying me my very own SAMCRO sweatshirt. A must have on every Christmas wish list this year!

I tried, oh well

I've tried to be lighter/brighter/happier/chippier (more chipper?) of late. Well, guess what? Someone I thought I cared about took a big massive piss in my Cheerios, and I feel the need to vent about it. I've got this friend. Correction - Laura (of longestbestestfriendness) has this friend. His name is Mike. Laura's friendship with Mike goes back back back - 20 years. Which is the exact same amount of time I've been friends with Laura. Laura met Mike while on a camping trip with Girl Scouts. Mike's Boy Scout troop/pack/whatever was staying at the same camp. Mike fell immediately in teenaged loooove with Laura. Mike pursued Laura, Laura pursued everyone (anyone) else for years. Yours truly (hate to admit it, but it matters) dated Mike a couple of times over the course of a few years. Laura and Mike finally date. Break up. Date. Break up. Date......you get the idea. LauraMikeVon were friends. Good friends, even best friends. Mike shat on Laura, I picked up the pieces. Laura shat on Mike, I picked up the pieces. You see where this is going? I always liked Mike. Not liked but liked. I rooted for him. I was sure, very sure, that he was "the One" for Laura, which is saying a lot. Ok. On or about 1997 (this is important too) Mike and Laura were doing their are they/aren't they dance. We were all in our *ahem* early 20s. It was summer. I was not about to stay home, like, ever. Mike was working in Door County being chefy or something. Some random Saturday night: ring ring Laura: "Hello" Me: "Hey. Want to go to a party?" Laura: "Sure." Laura and I go to a party. There's this guy there. His name is Mark. I know him, but meh, not a huge fan. Over the next 12 years or so: Laura dumps Mike. Marries Mark. Have a child. Separate. Mike has recently become my "friend" on facebook. Mike makes snide remark on my status update how I should be helping Laura pack/move over the weekend. Mike doesn't really keep up with me in any way shape or form, so has no idea that a) Laura does not want my help b) I talk to Laura about her stuff every day, I am very supportive, and her best shoulder to cry on c) that I had family I haven't seen in 12 years in town this weekend, and could not help Laura because VonMom would have killed me dead, and Laura understands that better than almost anyone. I send Mike an evil email, basically telling him I'm done with him, yet I want to know what I ever did to him. Mike sends scathing reply in which he says EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT BECAUSE I TOOK LAURA TO A PARTY IN 1997. What did I do? Well, of course I forwarded both my and Mike's emails to Laura. I figured she'd want to know why I had deleted him on fb and blocked him. Plus, I think she needs to know that she is in NO WAY responsible for her own actions, clearly I am the puppet master, and she is a mere toy in my vast game of world domination!!! I'm sure she'll feel really good about that! This is what happens when I'm nicest to people. I get shat on. I get blamed and pummeled and berated beyond belief. Of course this is bothering me. A lot. But I've moved past the want to cry phase and on to the want to destroy phase. I like this phase. It's productive. I also blame facebook. People who are such major pansies in real life can spout off whatever b.s. they like, because all they have to do is sit and typey typey and 'wow! I'm a big bad ass!' If this exchange had taken place in person? I guarantee there would have been a lot more swearing on my part, and a lot of "um, yeah, um, yeah, f off and stuff" on his part. Plus too, if this had been a verbal altercation, I would not have had to suffer through his horrible grammar and spelling. I'm pretty sure he never graduated high school. yes, I know, it's a rant. But I had to get it off my chest. I will now be taking donations so I can go to Boston for a long weekend and get away from it all. Sorry for the rant, better days/posts/prose are a'comin.

Stuck in my brainz

How many hops Would a hipster hop If a hipster could hip hop? (I made that up. It's been stuck in my brain for a couple of days. It's been begging to be written somewhere. That somewhere is here.)

Absentee for a bit

I don't have a lot of time to write this week. I've promised myself to not go on line at all at night after work this week. Also, VonSis has a gigantic gala/event/museum exhibit opening/thingy at her place of business that I've promised to help with this Friday. I took off work for this. AND I've got two aunts coming for a visit on Friday for the weekend. Two very German aunts. Two aunts I haven't seen in about a dozen years. I've got a list of things I can and cannot do during their visit, as per VonMom. I have to memorize her list, and little does SHE know, but she's getting a list of dos and do nots from ME as well. I have to develop that list before I see her. SO Maybe something exciting and thrilling will fall from my fingertips on Sunday, but probably not before. Sigh.

Genius is a......well, genius

I've been bringing my iPod to work this week for many reasons. One of the main ones is I'm tired of listening to the people around me. I have a screecher, who's voice is about as annoying as they come. The guy that sits next to her likes to break into song at any moment. He's fond of the High School Musical songs. He also like to make up his own lyrics to songs. Funny if witty, but should be used in moderation - which it isn't - so it's just annoying. Plus the people around here are big gossip/whisperers. Whispering is fine, it's preferable to the yelling, but I've found that the whispering has it's own annoying traits. For example - have you ever noticed that when people in relatively close proximity are whispering the reason you know they are whispering is because you hear something? That something is the "ssses" in their conversation. So you just here "pssss pssss pssisss sppppsssss". HATE THAT. It hurts my ears. Anyway. I generally cannot bring precious iPod to work because LB knows that I am deaf, yet always says "Von" in barely above a whisper to get my attention. I can't hear her as is, which stresses her out, so I can't imagine how she would feel if she had my iPod to compete with my deafness to get my attention. That being said, she's out of town this week, so iPod at work making me happy. Today I hit Genius on a whim on this song: "Bittersweet" by Big Head Todd and the Monsters I got this: "All I Want" Toad the Wet Sprocket "Babylon" David Grey "#41" Dave Matthews Band "Run" Collective Soul "Nightswimming" REM "Mexico" James Taylor "Don't Dream It's Over" Crowded House "Silver Springs" Fleetwood Mac "Suedehead" Morrissey "Why Georgia" John Mayer (this one will be skipped, in perpetuity) "A Girl Like You" The Smithereens "Gone Gone Gone" Robert Plant & Alison Krauss "Change Your Mind" Sister Hazel "Walk on the Ocean" Toad the Wet Sprocket "The Mountains Win Again" Blues Traveler "Send Me on My Way" Rusted Root "Sail Away" David Grey "More Than This" Roxy Music "Heavy" Collective Soul "Chains of Love" Erasure "Something in the Way..." James Taylor "Tripping Billies" DMB "She Says" Howie Day "A Million Miles Away" The Plimsouls I'm so in love with this playlist I might elope with it this weekend. It's awesome. It's huge. It's extremely cool. Sigh Apologies to Brando and Zombie for "borrowing" a music/genius post idea. Please take it as a compliment. Plus this playlist was too awesome not to write about.

Don't call me pumpkin

Having a birthday four days before Halloween has been awesome at times, but for the most part it sucks. 1. I always ALWAYS had a pumpkin shaped cake. Always. Forever. Except twice. Once I cried and I got VonMom to make me a pink boombox cake, and it was awesome. With gum drop buttons and a pink handle and it was awesome. The second time was my 30th when VonMom made a cake with a Barbie sticking out. Like the cake was her dress. I think you all know what I'm talking about. Anyway, it was the cake I always should have had, but didn't. It was a make up cake, about 20 years behind. 2. Halloween itself is the birthday of two people I cannot stand who happen to be married to each other (aw how cute. Not. They suck.) and I have one friend who ALWAYS calls me to say Happy Birthday on Halloween - it never gets old for him to then say "Oh, that's H and G's birthday! My bad!" Ha ha. So not funny. 3. In recent years the stupid holiday has put a huge damper on my bday fun. SO THis year? Birthday Brunch on Sunday, Oct 25th at a fantastically awesome Irish Pub. Who's in? Anyone want to drive in/up/down/over? Special goody bags for blogger friends who make the trip. Drop a comment if interested, and I'll send you the details. Why am I writing this so early? Because of Halloween, and people making all of their pumpkin patch/apple bobbing/costume partying OTHER plans.... See what I mean?