A break

This full moon is kicking my ass. Hard. My mind is all aswirl, as are my fragile little emotions. What was I doing when I noticed that it was raining in my living room last night? (long story, for another day) Answer: I was laying on my couch, listening to my iPod and sighing. This is not the person who should be writing posts for you. I'm taking this week off. Be good to yourselves.

How you know.

Do you want to know how you know you are in the presence of the One That Got Away? I can tell you. You see him and your heart skips not one beat but two. It's cold out, but your face is flaming hot. You are sure you are purple. You can feel your eyes light up. You toss your hair. Stop. Pull it back over your shoulder. Did he like your hair longer or shorter? Can't remember. Get frustrated. Contemplate pulling said hair up into a ponytail. Stupid hair. He sees you. Your heart skips beats again, and this time, your stomach drops. You forget where you are, why you are there, and who you are with. He hugs you. You want to keep hugging him. The urge to kiss him is gigantic, enormous. It's so big, you are sure everyone around you knows that you want to kiss him. Words from 16 years ago blast through your mind "Moment of truth, huh babe?" You are sure everyone around you heard this, even though it's only in your silly little mind. When he stops hugging you, you feel yourself leaning in his general direction. Every moment he's around you, you want to touch him. Hold his hand, put your arm around him. This feels like the most natural thing in the world, even though he hasn't been "yours" for 13 years. You want to whisper in his ear, or scream at the top of your lungs "I still love you!". This urge is gigantic, enormous. You think you'll die if you don't say it. You don't say it. Every ounce of your famous self-esteem is gone, vanished, like it had never existed. You can't even bring yourself to give him your phone# or email address. You act like a child and give your info to his sister instead. You kick yourself for this. Repeatedly. When it's time to go, you are physically ill at the thought of leaving. Leaving him. He'll forget me. He'll forget I was here. You have an overwhelming desire to be alone. You want your apartment, something strong to drink, and your bed. For a very very long time. You get home, and immediately get in a hot shower so you can cry in peace. You feel silly for crying but God damn it you love him and you miss him and holy shit. You go to bed insanely early, to avoid drinking alone. You can't sleep. Not a little, not at all. For days after, you have this incredible sadness weighing you down. You know that you could cry at the drop of a hat, and would, but God damn it you're not going to! There's work to be done! Things to do! You know understand, with stunning clarity, that the reason you are the way you are in relationships is because you know that he was the one. And he got away.

Fridge Note

3Bulls hates Von. Yep, I'm back to being spam. s i g h

Wherein I feel the need to share everything with y'all

well, ALMOST everything. The backstory. There's a mouse. In the house. Well, in the commune in which I live. A mouse who poops little tiny poops that announce his existance. Poops that were not seen, or brushed off as "not mouse poops" until: One day last month, VonSis went up to her place one evening. EEEEEEEEEEEE (or so I'm told. again, I didn't her my sister's screams. Bad sister, I am) ***my cell phone rings***** "Didn't you hear me screaming!?!?" "Um. Nope." "I was screaming for like five minutes!!!!!" "Ok. Why were you screaming?" "There was a mouse on my kitchen table!!" BLEH!!! BrotherInLaw/LandOverlord lays out poison. Many many lovely blue pellets of poison. Weeks pass. More weeks pass. -Last night- I happened to go up to VonSis's house for a quick visit after work. BrotherInLaw is home, and the three of us discuss the mouse. Where is the mouse? Why isn't it dead yet? What if it's dead somewhere bad? Now, onto the tale I feel I must tell. This morning. This is the text VonSis and BrotherInLaw/LandOverlord received. From me. At 6:30 am. "OH MY GOD!!! DEAD MOUSE!!! MY BEDROOM!! WHY CAN'T YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING! I DEMAND IMMEDIATE REMOVAL!! ZOMFG!!!!!" silence nothing No running of feet over head to save poor poor me. 6:34 am *my cell phone rings* I'm confused. It's VonSis's work number. "Hello?" "Yeah, so I'm at work." "WHERE IS YOUR HUSBAND!?!?!?" "He's on his way to Kansas, or Missouri, wherever." "But there's a mouse. In.my.bedroom." "Where is it?" "By the hole in the wall, go figure. It's dead." "You sure?" "I've been staring at it for like five minutes. It's dead." VonSis promised dead mouse removal upon her return home tonight. I will not be entering my bedroom until the thing is gone. 7:05am **my cell phone rings** "Hello?" "HAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAA. You have a dead mouse in your bedroom!!! Hahahahaha." "Um, brother-in-law? You suck as a LandOverlord." "HAHAHAHAHA. At least we know where it is now!! Right?!?" "I hate you. It's in my room. IN MY ROOM." click

just gonna type

It's not like we were friends anymore. I don't know when the last time I saw him was. But, I had known him since I was 5. Gary Gnu. That's what we called him. Not we, like a couple people, we like everyone. The whole neighborhood. Kids, their parents, other kids from nearby neighborhoods. I bullied him, picked on him, picked fights with him. He bullied me, picked on me, picked fights with me. My oldest brother-in-law befriended him while we were in high school. Broinlaw played softball in the field right across from Gary's house. He asked me to leave Gary alone. Whatever. I didn't give it a second thought. Then right after high school, I started dating someone who was best friends with Gary. We started spending all of our time at Gary's house. It was one block over from mine, but far enough away my parents never knew I was there, daily, drinking Grand Slam 30 packs of Old Style that somehow seemed to get there, even though none of us was legal. Gary wasn't so bad. Sure, he was a little off, but he was funny, crazy, not much different than the rest of us. I dated that guy on and off for three years. Throughout our tumultuous relationship, Gary was around. He never got in the middle of our many fights, he'd just sit there and shrug, never really taking either side. The ex and Gary used to go over to the forest preserve right across from his house. The ex said he and Gary would have these incredibly long conversations over there. I'd asked once what they talked about. "Everything, Von, we talked about everything from yogurt to God." Like it or not, he was part of our group. Here we are, a number of years later. Tomorrow is Gary's wake. He died, suddenly, Friday at 37 years old. Of course I will be going to the wake. He was a part of my childhood, my memories of the neighborhood that I grew up in, and where my parents still live. He was a big part of one of my favorite times of my life, those first few years right out of high school. I have a feeling that that wake is going to be packed. Though nervous to go, and be around my ex, my heart really goes out to him. I can't imagine how devastated he is. I just want to hug him, and his sister, and Gary's mom, all at once. Tomorrow is going to be a rough day. ** Side note. It's only because of teh fb that I found out about Gary. I'm fb friends with the ex's sister, and she posted something on her status. I emailed her and got the details. FB is good for somethings, it seems.**

Cowboy meh

Friday night I got to volunteer for the Cowboy Junkies show at Old Town. I've never gotten to work one of their shows before, and I was excited. I was early. Really early~!! The show I was working started at 10:00, so I was supposed to be there at 9:00. Well, it was Friday night, and I was tired, so I showed up more like 8:00. This gave me a chance to check out the band. Meh. A little too low key for me. Being so early gave me a leg up on the head vol for my show. I took the clipboard and assigned myself box office. This would keep me off my feet (or off my bad knee, actually) and keep me out of the hall. If I had to sit there through that mellow mess of Junkie, I would have fallen asleep fo sho. It was a good night, one of those nights that all of the staff people were totally awesome. People I either am friends with or would like to be. So, I'm sitting, crocheting, minding my business. And here comes the opening act. Grant Lee Phillips. Sure, his original intent was to check out with the concert staff, get his $$ and go. That's not what happened. He hung around. He chatted. He picked up a banjo and strummed around the office a bit. Let me tell you, even when he hums it's purely melodic. I developed a quick little crush on him, due to his awesomeness and laidback coolness. I just sat there and piped in every now and then. Then I had one of those thoughts again: 'I love this place!! This is the awesome stuff that happens here, and nowhere else! I love this place! I love my life!' Right about that time, one of the Cowboy Junkies walks up to me at the desk: "Ice?" I shake my head and point over to the cafe. Yep, he was supposed to be on stage at the time. Awesome. Guitar update: Learned 3 new chords. Also learned "Bring it on home", one of my favorite songs ever. Cannot feel my left hand index finger. Some people -including Grant Lee Phillips - that this is normal.

By Request

At brunch with Laura this morning: L: "So, as a follower of your blog. I have to ask something." V: eyebrows raised in inquiry. Fork slightly moved to indicate 'go ahead' L: "The post you keep saying you're going to write, and not writing.......write it." Far be it from me to let down the reader. SOOOOO A week or so ago, R and I decided to change our Relationship Status on teh facebook to In a Relationship. (or, relationSHIT, thanks Dane Cook, back when you were funny....) It was kind of a joke, barely a "thing". It was pretty late, we were drinking, we decided to make the change. We agreed that the actual relationshit would not change, at all, just taking a step more publicly. We laughed about it, then let TheBrother know that we had come to this "big" decision. A couple of days later, I made the change. Apparently, you cannot be in a relationshit with someone on teh facebook unless they confirm it. So for a day or two it just said Von is "in a relationshit" Oh my God, the backlash. Well, I call it backlash. 800 people "liked it" many many many people left a comment. My favorite? "Oh! Von! You make me so happy! I am so happy for you! You deserve all sorts of wonderful things! I'm practically crying I am so happy!!!!" this was from one of the J5 (refresher, the J5 are my step-siblings) I got PISSED. In my own comments I wrote "Thanks, but you all seem to be making a much bigger deal of all this than it actually is...." Then, another fb friend emailed me and said "yeah, I was wondering how you felt about that." I wrote her back that I was pissed. I am pissed!! First of all, it is so not a big deal. To make it a big deal would give R a wrong impression. One that I do not want to give, but have no control over. I cannot not have control over things with R. That would be bad. Second: WTF. Of the 745 people who "liked it", and the many many commentors, REALLY!?!?!? Why am I validated now that I am in a relationship? Did you really think I was a spinster? I've been jokingly calling myself one for a while now, but I was joking, people!!!! You may not understand it, but I love my life. I love every crazy, busy, active, exciting, snarky, second of it. Whether or not I have someone in it to share it with is pretty irrelevant to me. R gets to stick around because not only does he not resent my busy schedule, but he digs it, and is cool with it. He gets to stay because he compliments my life, not takes away from it. Also since teh f.b. status change, I've gotten more emails from the J5 and a few others with offers of things to do, invites, etc. C'mon, people. I am NOT stupid!! You don't want to see me, you want to meet R. You've done your f.b. stalking, you're curious, you aren't smart enough to just call me and ask about him, so you want to meet him. Well, you can wait. We aren't there yet. I don't know when we will be, but when we do, y'all are at the bottom of the list. We are not a side-show, our relationshit does not exist for your entertainment. See, you want to meet him, then you want to go off and talk about him, and me, and the us that is us. I'm not going to give you that pleasure. Not right now. I am me. Still me, always me.

Hey, you.

P.S. Have a nice weekend. I mean it, I really really do. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy in the general direction of my bloggy friends today, so take it and run with it. Chicago? Sunny and 60 today, Sleet/rain/snow tomorrow and Sunday. F*ck you, Chicago weather, f#ck you.

Hey hey hey

It's Friday. I still owe the evil post about what happens when Von changes her fucking "relationship status" on teh facebook. BUT I don't feel like writing that today. So instead. I'm ordering a tshirt. (see yesterday's comments) AND pointing out the new person over there -------> There -------> in my links. Big Bald Bastard. Not sure where he came from, but I've been reading his stuff and he's funny. So, go there, read funny things. The snark resumes next week. You sleep under the blanket of snark which I provide, and you DARE question the manner in which I provide it?! You want the snark? You can't handle the snark!!! *** grrr!! grrr! grumble!! I tried to link BBB up in this post, and it didn't work!!! grumble grumble....grrr....****

Fridge note

How am I supposed to maintain my mood of glee, nay, elation, that I've decided to spew forth into this cubicle limbo today while being thwarted by LB1? She is being unpleasant. I think she wants to stab me in the eye with sharp objects. Her fuse is very very short today. Like stubby. Like one of those dogs that people cut off their tails when they are puppies stubby. All this On top of me celebrating her anniversary with the company with flowers and mini cupcakes. And I didn't get enough sleep last night. I meant to be home by 10. Not leave R's at 10:30. And I ate Pringles and peanut M&Ms for lunch. And I'm back to being spam when I comment on 3Bulls. Yeah, it's a great fucking day. Uh oh. There goes the glee and elation. It was giving me a rash anyway.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

• Yes, the damn river is green. But guess what? The damn river is ALWAYS GREEN. Whatever.
• Today being today means one sucky thing. That Shamrock Shakes - of which I've only had ONE this year - are going away. You'll be hard pressed to find one. Damn it.
• Instead of going out and drinking with a bunch of amateurs, I'm going to R's. He's cooking corned beef and cabbage. I don't like corned beef and cabbage. I made cupcakes. I'll be having cupcakes for dinner.
• I'm slightly irate because my guitar teacher is playing at one of my favorite bars today. But only until 6pm. Don't these people realize real people have real jobs, that make it difficult to get somewhere by 6pm? Damn musicians.
• I am cranky, thanks for noticing. But it's not like I'm hiding the fact that I have pms. Damn pms.
• I'm waiting, patiently, for Q101 to play ANY Irish song. Like, um, how about a little "Shipping up to Boston"? Or some Flogging Molly? Hell a little Black 47 "Bridie!" never killed anyone! Damn Q101.
• I'm mulling over a post about the ridiculous outpouring of b.s. that came my way when R and I changed our teh facebook relationship status to In a Relationship. It's going to be a good post. Scathing, but good. Stay tuned. Damn teh facebook.
• I've been practicing my chords and switching between them. I practiced for about 40 minutes on Monday, and about 40 minutes on Tuesday. My fingertips hurt, sting, and are a little numb. Damn guitar.
• Top of the mornin' to ya.......

Hello again

I had every intetion to write something yesterday. Being that I was home sick and all. Cough. Cough. Alas. Other things demanded my attention. Like that new fangled toy I got, the DVR. Ah, my life didn't know what it was missing before the DVR. I don't even use it properly. I forget that I can fast forward through commercials if it's something I've taped (DVRed?). I'm getting the hang of it. My Netflix is suffering at the hands of the DVR. But I did manage to watch XMen Origins: Wolverine over the weekend. Not bad. As a former XMen comic book nerd, I have to say they keep the films pretty dead on with the comics. I have no complaints there. And, lots of hot men in this movie. Went to the doctor yesterday. I have the coolest doctor ever. She's so laid back and awesome. We had this conversation: Me: "So. What if I didn't want to get weighed today?" "But you got weighed" "I know. Just saying, what if I didn't want to. What would you do?" "Well, why didn't you want to?" "I had a big lunch. And a big drinking and eating weekend. And oh, yeah, I have pms and I just feel bleh today." "You feel bleh?" "Not sick bleh, just pms bleh." "But you got weighed" "But what if I didn't want to?" "Do you want me to delete your weight for this time?" "Meh" "But you stayed the same. I'm ok with this. You can be ok with this." "Ok. Leave it." "Do you want some candy?" Followed by this conversation: Me: "So. Drinking and this blood pressure medicine...." "Not a problem" "The pharmacist said one drink is ok, but ......" "You can drink, it's fine." "Really? Ok but...." "Now if you drank a lot every day, I'd take you off the medicine." "Really?" "And we'd have a talk...." "I hear those 'talks' are also called 'interventions'" "Yep, that." "I don't drink THAT much." "Then fine. You can stay on the medication." "Ok, thanks Doctor" "Now do you want some candy for that pms?"

And so it goes. And so it goes.

It's Friday. Amen and hallelujah and all that good stuff. Recently, Shannon said to me "I don't understand how you do all of the things that you do" Neither do I. I used to be better about etching out some me time on the weekends, well that seems to have gone right out the window. Damn dating. Takes up me time. To be honest, I can't even blame it all on R. He's pretty much the most un-demanding person I've ever dated. It's me. I'm taking the blame on this one. Last night I even had a dream that I was late to guitar class. I had this dream on a Thursday night. Class is Saturday morning. WTF Of course, once again, I've booked myself all up. Here's what my weekend looks like: Tonight I'm head vol-ing the Battlefield Band/Liz Carroll show at Old Town - this is immediately after work. After that I'm going out with R. Tomorrow I've got guitar class at 11, followed by meeting Shannon at the Lillstreet Art Center for the Open House, followed by Chris' graduation dinner at 5:30, followed by maybe picking R up from work at 11. Sunday I have to clean the house, run errands, do laundry, and meet up with Shannon to help her with the wedding invitations. I'm getting tired. This year I've already added the board of directors thing and guitar classes to my impossibly ridiculous schedule. Something has got to go. I'm just not sure what. Right now German class is the front-runner, but I'm not 100% sure on that. Sigh. Being busy is busy.

How can you not laugh?

Sometimes, I laugh when I shouldn't. Like last night: I'm reading aloud in Deutsch Klasse....."blah blah blah......nachschicken" I stop then, "Nachschicken!" (pronounced properly) teacher looks up at me, puzzled look on her face. Then I say "Nachschicken!!!" (pronounced Knocks Chicken).** Then, I laugh. I laugh so much everyone else laughs. With me, mfers, not at me. Sometimes I don't laugh, out of fear: Once I attempted to learn the tin whistle. I say attempted because I was hot for teacher, and therefore all learning went out the window. Especially when he said things like this: "No. Von, blow harder. HARDER. There, just like that. Now blow more evenly. Bllllloooowwww slllooowwwweeeerrrr. Good. Perfect. Just like that." I didn't laugh, wanted to, and ended up spitting all over my tin whistle instead. I laughed about it for about 3 hours afterwards. **Nachschicken means forward. I know. Weird. Not even close, where you could guess. Not like I'll ever forget that word now though.

Two down

Chords A7 and D are now my bitches. Ok, not really, but I was working on the muscle memory side of it yesterday. I'm awesome that I even practiced. Hopefully I can do it again sometime before Saturday morning. Corey Haim died. Yes, this is a big deal to me, as I was going to marry him someday. Well, when he got clean, and made some $$, and of course I would have to triple-bag that. (Lamblets better not be reading this blog!!) But still. What girl my age didn't want one or both of the Coreys? I waffled between the two, but I think my heart pretty much belonged to Haim, especially after the whole icky wierd Feldman/Michael Jackson thing. The only grown up thing to do is stay up late tonight watching the DVD of "Dream a Little Dream" that Shannon bought for me years ago. Sigh. Perhaps I'll write him a song, one that only uses the A7 and D chords.

Surprise, Surprise

Things I found surprising this weekend:

• I didn't realize how much I missed something, until I got it again.
• Guitar is hard. Not just hard, but fucking hard. Ouch, there's a small blood blister on my finger.
• There is a song written by Hank Williams that has my name in it like three times.
• Reading chords was impossible for me, and I felt stupid (which I found surprising) BUT
• I have the greatest musician friends in the world, and the amount of outside of class help I'm going to get is amazing.
• I didn't hate TheBrother's TheFiance. As a matter of fact, I liked her. As much as snarky, evil, bitchy old me can like a 22 year old chick who got engaged 5 weeks after meeting TheBrother.
• I didn't hate seeing R two days in a row. Probably won't make a habit of it, but I didn't hate it.
• Even John Prine is annoying after three and 1/2 hours.
• I don't hate the band Elbow. I wish I did. I don't. The hipsters, they will not break me.
• We convinced a 44 year old women that Mennonites come from Menonia, a very small country between Germany and France.
• Receiving a gift from a co-worker was both surprising and a huge mood booster. Sure, she bought the earrings for herself, but never wore them, and thought of me when she stumbled across them. They are Phillips head nail heads. I adore them, put them on immediately. The gift and the thought were surprising.
• I don't believe how much I cry when I watch the Oscars. Me? A crier? For shame!!
• Home-made fried chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, gravy, salad and wine with a good friend was the very best way to beat the Sunday blues. (Not surprising, but the meal was soooo good, I had to mention it.) To visit this awesome cooking friend of mine, go here.

Here's to......me

Yep, I'm raising a glass.....to MYSELF.

Tomorrow I start my Guitar 1 class at Old Town.

I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Got my official song book, got VonDad's wicked awesome guitar all newly strung and tuned and shined up and stuff.

Don't got? The ability to read music. Or follow directions very well.

But I have drive, determination, and guts.

And, I'm cute.

Betcha

Betcha didn't think I was going to post today, did ya? Well, I wasn't! But then I noticed I've posted every other day this week, so why not keep it going. Then, I realize I am having a shit-tastic day at work. And the office smells like poo. So, there you have it, your post for the day. Carry on my way-ward friends. There'll be peace when you are done.

I wanna laugh while the laughin' is easy

Many many (like, a bagillion) years ago, we made a video for my dad. This video (VHS, people!) was part of the gift of the cam-corder he was getting for Christmas. I pretty much hate the silly play we did, but at the end there was a photo montage of VonParents and all of us kiddies. This is the song I remember most and best from that montage. I'd never heard it before, but after we gave Dad the video, I remember watching the end over and over and over, obsessing over this song. Guess what? The lyrics are as relevant to my life now as they were in 1987, when I first heard it, and I'm sure they were relevant in 1973 when this tune first broke. Sometimes, at least when it comes to music, I'm an old soul. Enjoy: Life, so they say, is but a game and we let it slip away. Love, like the Autumn sun, should be dyin' but it's only just begun Like the twilight in the road up ahead, they don't see just where we're goin'. And all the secrets in the Universe, whisper in our ears And all the years will come and go, take us up, always up. We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again. Dreams, so they say, are for the fools and they let 'em drift away. Peace, like the silent dove, should be flyin' but it's only just begun. Like Columbus in the olden days, we must gather all our courage. Sail our ships out on the open sea. Cast away our fears And all the years will come and go, and take us up, always up. We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again. So I wanna laugh while the laughin' is easy. I wanna cry if it makes it worthwhile. We may never pass this way again, that's why I want it with you.' Cause, you make me feel like I'm more than a friend. Like I'm the journey and you're the journey's end. We may never pass this way again, that's why I want it with you, baby. We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again. guess what I'll be buying on iTunes later?

This post has no title....

I just realized that in the after glow of the blast that was at this place I never actually updated you on the other big meet and greet. TheBrother. Well. Gee. It went fine? I mean, wellish? Here's the back story: TheBrother is a mere 25 years young. Not even, he'll be 25 next week. Anyway - TheBrother is in loooooove with the girl he's been dating for six weeks. A mere couple of weeks longer than R and I have been seeing each other. But, like I said, they are in looooove. So, I get to R's place about 8:00 Friday night. I'm not even in the door two seconds when he says "TheBrother got engaged last night". Um. what? "Um, what?" "Not kidding. They're getting married." So, we had about two hours to eat pizza, drink beer, and discuss how vastly stupid TheBrother is. R askes me not to let on that I know about the engagement, we're going to see if TheBrother brings it up. Enter TheBrother "Hi!" "Hi!" blah blah blah 30 seconds later "It's too bad my fiance couldn't be here to meet you too!" and there it is I spent the better part of the next four hours watching R and TheBrother debate/discuss/bicker about the engagement. I didn't opine (yes, smart asses, it DID kill me to keep my mouth shut) mostly because it wasn't my place, and I was trying to make a good impression on TheBrother. R is pretty upset, rightfully so, but it's putting a real damper on things. No making out, too much time spent chatting with TheBrother. Plus, we spend a lot of time talking about TheBrother and this very big thing he's in the middle of. Time spent not getting to know each other. It's getting stale. We'll see. The highlights of the evening? TheBrother went to the Quickie Mart around 1am to get some more beer. He came back with a very cheap bottle of Champagne. He brought in three totally mismatched glasses of bubbly. Handing one to R, one to me, he said "Well, here's to me" he seemed sad when he said it, probably because of all the crap he was getting from R. I said "No. Here's to you! Love is lovely! Good for you and stuff!" and we drank Cheap champagne is sweet and tasty. The other highlight? I asked them to play me a song - they both play guitar - they played me "Peaceful Easy Feeling" by the Eagles. R sang. It was very nice. Time would be better spent charming and romancing me with song, I think. Upside - TheBrother approves of me. He even invited me to his birthday party this weekend. I'm going - I just have to meet this fiance.

One reason the lamblets are awesome....

This is what greeted me when I got to their house on Saturday.

How the hell do you draw a V on an etch-a-sketch?