This week, I had been planning to write a letter to myself, for my birthday.
But of course, life got in the way, and yesterday was the worst day of my life.
My dad died yesterday so suddenly that I'm still reeling, and in shock. So instead of sleeping or getting ready for tomorrow (which promises to be another awful day), I'm going to write him a letter.
Thank you for choosing to be my dad. With five kids already, you didn't blink an eye when you took on the tornado that was me and my sister. Thank you for loving my mother so fiercely and completely for as long as I can remember. Thank you for telling me to "look it up in the dictionary", because today my spelling, vocabulary and grammar are enviable. Thank you for telling me to "not piss my life away", because that is the reason my life is so full and awesome as it is. Thank you for loving me enough to see past the tattoos, the weird hair colors and clothes, the cranky and snarky that is me and love me every day anyway.
Thank you for handing me the unfinished crossword puzzle last Thursday with the little grin on your face, when you said "Can you help me finish it?". Thank you for asking my opinion on everything from baseball to cars to politics. Thank you for teaching me how to put air in the tires, check the oil, and jiggle the wires until it works again.
I loved that our phone calls always started with "Hi Dad it's me!" "Hello me! What's up?" and ended with a chuckle and an "Ok honey, you take care." I loved to make you laugh, and tried to do it every time I saw you. I loved your laugh, and the twinkle in your eyes, like you and I were the only ones in on the best joke ever.
You taught me just about everything I know, and I think my love of music and desire to play music comes entirely from you. I'll never forget the day you came into my room when I was blasting a new CD over and over. I expected you to tell me to turn it down. Instead, you asked who I was listening to, stayed for a minutes, said "I really like this" and walked out. I was so happy that you were so hip!
Though hugging you was so hard for me since you had become so little over the last few years, they were always good long hugs, with a bristly peck on my cheek to follow. I know you know that that was way better than the nights that I just yelled down the stairs to you "BYE DAD!" "Bye honey!"
Thank you for being so very honest with every question I've ever asked you. I think you were shocked more than once by the questions, but you always gave them thought, and answered honestly.
Thank you for having an opinion on the things I was smart enough to ask your opinions. Especially on the most important thing I ever went through on my own.
On the same note - thank you for letting me live my life as I saw fit. You really gave me wings to fly and I think you really dug watching me soar. You never meddled, I always felt like I was on this great ride, and you and Mom were watching happily from the ground, keeping an eye on me, but letting me have the loops and thrills along the way.
I love that you have always loved my friends, all of them. Though you admitted that they are a huge, diverse and sometimes motley crowd, you took pains to remember who was who, and I think you genuinely liked to be in their company, as much as they liked to be in yours. I was so proud to have "the cool Dad". I'll never forget the day you said to me "You're just like me, Vonnie. Can't leave the house without running into someone you know! Between the two of us, we probably know everyone!"
I think the universe got it right when it put our family together. There couldn't possibly be any other man who could have been my Dad. A perfect fit, even though it didn't happen the usual way. I am so grateful that there is not a moment of my life that I don't remember you in. I feel that the time I've had with you is just not enough, but 100 years wouldn't be enough.
May angels lead you in, Dad - a wonderful Dad, husband, grandpa, engineer, pool player, tenor, musician, magician, jokester, gin rummy winner, silly dude. May angels lead you in.
I thought I'd leave one more "post" before I go. If you can call posting a video a post!
I might try to post while on the road, that is if my stupid smart phone lets me!
Now, it's on to BOSTON!
HAPPY FRIDAY, SUCKAS!
Oh, you know I love you. Play nice while Von is gone. I'll be watching!
Yesterday I had to quit both free dating web sites. I had been thinking about it anyway, but then this happened: I received not one, but TWO emails containing pictures of stranger men's penises. And NO, I didn't ask for them. I had been emailing with one man who seemed nice enough, and out of the blue - BAM - dick pic. I thought, ok WTF and stopped emailing with him. Then I reported him to the site. Logged off there, went over to the other site, same thing happens! I sat back and did some intro-spection - 'Am I the kind of woman that attracts this? What did I do to make this happen? Who in the hell does this?! What kind of reaction are the expecting to get from that!?!?!!?' As I got more and more irate, I just went and disabled both accounts. Before I disabled them, I did email two other non-dick pic sending men I had been having normal chatting emails with. I gave them my phone number so they could call or text me instead. I doubt I'll hear from either one of them. You get what you pay for, I guess, and these sites were both free.
I did have to laugh when my new train friend B said "Well, were you disgusted by the pictures, or more.........disappointed?"
So, here I remain - Vonbyherselfforfuckingever.
I'm blaming L for my current state of being. I was totally and completely fine being alone before he got himself involved with me and then dropped off the face of the planet. Now, I'm wanting something I hadn't wanted for a while, and confused and hurt as to why I just can't have it.
Things are not going awesome in the world of online dating, at least for me. I've had a few go nowhere texters. I did meet one guy the other night. I was sure that I would be the one to politely decline a second date, as in my opinion I was 100% dating down, but he gave me the heave ho via email the next day. Sure, it was two hours and $4.75 of my time, but it's shaken my ability to read people. It has also called in to question my high opinion of myself. Perhaps I am not as awesome as I think I am. Or, even worse, perhaps my personality does NOT outweigh other less stellar attributes.
Tonight, I'm supposed to be meeting Junior. I call him Junior because he is 5 years young and 3 inches shorter than what I consider my minimums. But, he's persistent, and we've had some fun via email. A little concerned we are meeting without having even exchanged phone numbers yet. Stranger still that the meeting is likely to occur at either my house or his. This is only because our first meeting plan is to have an incredibly competitive game of Scrabble. Sure, I could get murdered, or disappear, BUT if I do go to his place, it will be proof to me that he is not married.
I may be way too naive for this whole Internet dating thing. My biggest concern is this: My friends are so fantastic, and do not lie to me. I do not lie, in fact, one of my faults is being way too honest way too much of the time. I'm finding out through this Internet trial by fire that I assume everyone is as honest as my friends and I are, all of the time. I need to stop doing that. It's not doing me any good, not in this area, at least.
So, this is more of a rant than a post. But it's all that's in my head right now.
In an effort to forget that L ever existed, and to get myself out of the emotional rut I've been in, amongst other things.... I drunkenly signed up on two free dating websites. Why one when you can be on two??
Anyway. I did this over the weekend when I was home, alone, drunk.
So, yeah, not an awesome start right there.
The upside, though, is that I'm damn funny, even when drunk. So my profiles read wicked awesome. And I have three cute pictures of me that I put up.
I forgot about it, then went on both sites Sunday afternoon to see what was up. Oh, F word.
Damn it all to hell. Fat fetishists (ICK) and chubby chasers galore. NOT for me. So, I had to put the bitch beat down on every single one of those. Some were a little more persistant than others - those had to be reported to the sites. I do not play around with the nasty side of things.
Once I got over the shock of all the nasty, I weeded out some definitely nots - nicely, sent them all reply emails with various reasons why they were not the one, ending with 'Good luck with your search!' - and ended up emailing with a few very nice dudes.
It's now Wednesday, and I'm up to three Tims, who are now Tim Dom, Tim Pumpkin Hat, and Tim Cupid; Bill (fiesty one), Jeff (sweet and too young, but the email was so nice he's in the keep pile), Adam (we'll see on this one) and two other dudes I don't know the names of yet.
I'm really kinda not too serious about this, some might call them place holders (ahem, story for another day, if it ever gets fully resolved), but I'm willing to give it a shot.
The downside is that it's like a gdmn part time job. The texting, the emailing, the picture posting, the updating. Thank God both sites have apps for my Android. Still, though, it's a pain in the ass.
Currently in the lead is Tim Cupid, who I'm likely to meet this weekend. He's heading out of town next weekend for 2 months for work training. So we're going to meet to see if we want to be email or text friends while he's away. He's hilarious, and agrees that I have fantastic hair.
At the very least, you all should get some pretty good stories out of this whole thing.
And oh, yeah, my internet crushes - you probably know who you are - you're still in my heart o' hearts, you're just both so damn far away.......
Someone is heating up something stinky. It's only 11am, c'mon people.
I'm going to see the Mekons on Wednesday. And hanging out with a Zombie. Be jealous.
Bedroom overhaul 2011 is moving forward, full steam ahead. I have about two weeks to take everything out of there and clean it. Then my bestie will be painting it. Hopefully after that the overlords will be putting it all back together when I'm out of town.
I'm going to BOSTON!! In 18 days.
Oh, and Shannon and TheMarty are going too.......
I'm learning new things about college football. I like to yell "GO BIG RED!"
I only moped minimally this past weekend. Yeah me.
Von birthday fun times is happening 10/28. Get yourselves to Chicago, and I'll buy you a beer. I swear it.
The episode of Dr. Who on Saturday blew my mind. I watched it twice. TWICE.
SNL was actually good on Saturday - Melissa McCarthy was hosting. Enough said.
I love having a DVR thingy.
I've read 27 pages of A Dance with Dragons. Only 800,000,000 to go.