Monday, January 30, 2012


Once upon a time....
I was a Girl Scout. I wasn't just a GS in grammar school, when it was kinda acceptable - OH NO.
I was a full fledged graduated after getting every single award possible GS.
I have my Gold Award, which is the highest honor in scouting.
I can light a fire in the rain with a single match.
I can cook a four course meal in the ground in a dutch oven.
I can camp, outdoors, in every season the Midwest has to offer. EVERY season.
I can survive for two and a half days with just the items in my back pack.

So, this year is the 100th anniversary of GS.
I have fallen away from the organization over my adult years solely because I have a hatred (that is 100% reciprocated) for the woman that was my troop leader when I graduated.
She is the reason I have done nothing - because she is everywhere.  So, I just gave in and stopped.
But I can tell you that the reason I continue to volunteer my life away to this day has it's roots in my GS background.

I loved everything about the GS, and I can say that GS is mostly responsible for my independent spirit, my gigantic self confidence, all of my good qualities - not the least of which my ability to survive a zombie apocalypse.

This past Saturday, the previously mentioned hated one (heretofore known as HO) had an all day celebration for her past scouts.  Laura and I decided to make an appearance.

It was bittersweet for me, seeing years and years and years worth of pictures of me and Laura in our best friend times.  We received our Gold Awards together. Those days, we did everything together. So looking at the pictures was really hard for me, because I miss that.

Anyway - came across a picture of EB.  EB and her friend DT were older than me, and used to pick on me.  DT was very scary, she was just a mean bitch - but EB was the one who was silent so therefore deadly.  I looked at these pictures, and said out loud:
"If EB showed up here today, I could totally kick her ass! I bet I'm five times her size!"
---EB was a very tiny girl----
Then I looked at HO and said "She's not coming is she?"
HO of course, ignored me. 
So, we sat there and had some dollar store pop and some cookies and killed time.

All of the sudden
And four teenagers

I can't really tell you what happened, but I know I fell over chairs, got all flushed, and begged Laura if we could go.  EB avoided me, until I said:
"EB. I was so afraid of you."
She laughed the laugh that I immediately remembered as villainous and evil. Except now it didn't sound so evil.
"I just told these kids in the hallway that you were afraid of me for years, so I wasn't going to talk to you"
"Ha! Ha ha! Yep, well that was then and all that"......and I fell over a chair backing away from her.
Best part? - It's true, I'm way taller and way bigger than she is.  She's a mom. A 41 year old mother.
And I'm a bad-ass, a few years her junior.
But I turned into a big pile of cowardly goo.
I got really nervous about everything coming out of my mouth.
Laura finally stated that we could go.
Thank God!
Said goodbye to EB, who was having a field day with my awkwardness.
Had to say goodbye to HO.
She said:
"You should stop by our meetings! Any time!'
My reply:
blank stare
Somehow, not sure, I recovered myself just enough to get a dig in there.

So, that was my Saturday......or part of it, anyway

Friday, January 27, 2012

Ahem, Pinko

Ahem, Pinko -
I just
Do what I'm told.
It's possible the orange cat with the orb eyes made this happen.
The undead overlord.
I'm allergic to cats.....

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Kinda a bitch

Last week, I was talking to VonMom.
I was filling her in on the phone call I had with my God-mother the night before.
So, of course, we were talking about VonDad.
I was reminded that VonDad had said over and over and over again that he didn't want to go out the way his best friend Bud did. Long hospital stays, sick for months and months, all of that bad business of dying.  He always said he hated that's how Bud had to go, and just didn't want that for himself.
Well, VonDad got his wish. His passing took less than an hour, in the end.
VonMom looked at me and said "I want that. I want to go out like Dad did"
I could have been nice, but I'm still working on that with her and with the rest of the world I guess.  Plus, it's kinda in my nature to say the first evil thing that comes to mind:
"Keep on smoking like you do, and maybe you'll get your wish"

Sometimes, I don't even know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Miss Von for now forever?

I've been giving a lot of thought to my single-ness lately.

I'm trying to be more honest with myself, and in doing so, I guess that'll make me more honest with you readers.
You all know since the passing of VonDad, I've given myself the free pass of Vulnerable and Prone to Making Bad Decisions.
Not that I think any of my decisions since October have been bad.  I haven't hurt anyone else, not really, and no harm has come to me.
I've got not one but two good guys who are pretty happy with the state of affairs right now.  I'm happy that one is back in my life, and I'm also happy that I've gotten to know the other. If nothing else they both may end up as pretty decent friends.  And, let's face it - I'm happy to be getting some on a regular basis.
there's that honesty thing, right there

Now, a few of my friends (who happen to be ladies) think that I'm acting "like a guy".  I'm not sure if that's supposed to be warning, or insulting, or a compliment.  I just find it confusing.  I had a need, I took care of it.  Luckily I am pretty charming and not a troll, so it wasn't difficult to find a couple of guys to help me out.  And, truthfully, if I had more time, I'd probably add one or two more to the calendar.  Variety is the spice of life.

As to the single-ness that I linger in.
I think I'd make a really shitty girlfriend, and an even worse wife.  I'm just being honest here. I used to think that I'd be AWESOME as either girlfriend or wife, but now, I'm not so sure.
I have very specific things that I'm not entirely sure I can bend on:
  • I live alone, and have for 12 years.  Therefore, I not only LOVE my free alone time, I COVET it.  You can be in my house sometimes, you can even spend some Sunday time there, but sometimes, you just need to NOT.
  • I have one full time job that I love. I have one part time job that I also love.  This means I work downtown M - F 8-5, and also work either Friday or Saturday night immediately following work until really late, sometimes on Thursday nights and oh yeah, sometimes on Sundays too.  Again, I LOVE this part time job of mine, and I'm not willing to give it up.  Oh, and I'm on the board of directors at DANK, which takes up whatever is left of my time.  I have 11 more months of that good time, so there's that.  OH AND, both part time gig and DANK are in Lincoln Square, so not that close to home.
  • I kinda hate talking on the phone.  Sure, text me until your finger tips fall off, go to town, but really - don't call me.
  • I actually LIKE watching football and baseball and hockey.  I also enjoy being on fantasy leagues.  What I don't like? You trying to explain all of sports to me like I'm a silly little bar fly without a clue.  When and if I need your help with my fantasy teams, I will ask you.  With my head hung in shame.
  • I don't cook. I hate it. I do bake, but only sometimes, and never for myself.  I bake and give it away. I will make a tray of lasagna once in a while, but that's it.
  • The beer in the fridge? That's mine.  It's from WI and is not exported to IL, so no, you can't "just try it".  Same goes for my bottle of 16 year single malt scotch.  Ok, that you can have, if you know how to drink it.  And if I can pour it for you.
  • My friends and family are important to me.  It's pretty important that you can tolerate them.  Oh, did I mention I have SIX siblings? All older than me? Good with that? Didn't think so.
  • I have tattoos, and intend to get more.  I really don't care if you have an opinion on that.
  • I don't really want to talk politics or religion with you. Ever.
So, these might be some of the reasons that I'm still single.  Even though I'm very sure I don't want to be forever.  I DO want to find "the one".  Or maybe "the other one".  I'm just not sure how much of myself I can give up to turn my solo into a duet.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Things that piss me off Wednesday

Probably a bad thing that I'm posting today when we're supposed to go dark or something.
But, hey, I rarely go with the flow, so I'll just post away.

Things that stick in my craw, that make me throw up in my mouth, that I have contempt for today:
  • My socks. I'm wearing awesome argyle knee socks (it's fucking cold here, people) and they won't stay up! Spending a lot of quality time pulling up my socks. I don't have time for this sock pulling upness. Just stay up.  That is your only function.
  • My lunch.  Sure, it was free which is always a plus, but it was sub-par.  The thing is, we knew it would be. Kinda went like this: *sigh* "Let's go to name redacted" It's next door, and it's cold, so there you have it.
  • People who post the same old boring shit on teh FB.  As in: Happy Hump day! One day closer to the weekend!  Um, thanks, Captain Obvious, for letting us know it's Wednesday.  And wow, that is the exact same thing you posted LAST Wednesday.  Lame and boring. Boring and lame.  Let's spice it up a bit, or not post at all, m'kay?
  • Female bloggers who beg cry and would swallow (yep, I said it) for attention.  If no one is reading your blog? It probably sucks.  If no one is replying to your comments? They're probably over you and your b.s.  Just shut the fuck up and write your stupid little posts. If they get read, great if not, so what?! Does your blog make or break you as a person? Probably - about as much as interweb attention from a bunch of dudes who really don't give a shit does.
  • Chicago radio.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again.  There is NOTHING worth listening to on Chicago radio.  Nothing.  Even XRT is a mess of repeats. If I have to hear Pumped Up Kicks one more time in an 8 hour workday, I'll throw my Hello Kitty boom box right out the window.
  • SOPA and PIPA.  I now understand what all of the hub bub is about, and I don't like it one bit.  See, I took some time to educate myself on the topic, THEN formed an opinion. Novel idea!
  • That I can't park in the garage this winter. C'mon Overlord - you won't be working soon, which means you'll have plenty of time to clear the snow off of your VonDad's truck.  I leave for work at 6:25 every day. Would be nice if I could just pull out of the snow to clean off....but nooooooo.
  • The whole Paula Deen thing.  Do we wish her ill just because she cooks everything with a stick of butter? I think she's cute, and fun to watch.  I'm sad for her, just as I'd be sad for anyone diagnosed with something sucky.  Let's leave her alone.
  • Winter. I said it. I'm a wimp.  I hate everything about winter. We've been so lucky with no real winter until very recently, but I don't care. Hate snow, hate cold, hate ice.  I just want to sleep through it. 

Friday, January 13, 2012

Dear You, Love Me

Inspired by BeeG's high school photo post, as well as the youtube about skin cancer.

Dear 17 Year Old Von,

You think you're hot shit? Dontcha? Well, you kinda ARE. - SO shake your money maker.  You are in the best shape you'll likely ever be in.  And your boobs!!*  So very perky!! Appreciate those before gravity sets in.

You and Laura are spending A LOT of time together.  You think this will last forever, but you might be wrong, so be in the moment, be nicer, and appreciate it while you have it.

These people are not actually your friends:  Anne, Rob, Mike C., Tonya, Shannon U.  Do not waste any more time on them.  They are useless, unpleasant, and your real friends don't really like them at all.

You are about to meet your very best dude friend - John.  Just let that happen. You two will be fast friends, and ultimately, forever friends.

In a few years, you'll meet Shannon. You've been waiting for her forever.  Go ahead, make the inappropriate joke about some one's wedding dress - she'll love you forever for it.

Those dorky guys you met at Quigley a few years ago?  Those dudes will be your closest, most loyal, most loving friends 20 years from now.  Don't spend any more time away from them.  Build memories, laugh, cry, do what you need to do to let them know they matter.

Oh, and that one you dated a few years ago? He's actually the love of your life, so don't fuck up when he asks you out again in a few years.  As a matter of fact, you should do your best to marry him.

The first two people that ask you to marry them? SAY NO TO BOTH. 

Stop fucking up your hair.  You have great hair!! Stop getting perms, stop forcing your bangs up to the sky.  There will be photos and video proof of this FOREVER.

That lipstick? Doesn't work for you.  As soon as you can, you need to discover and love lip gloss. Forever.

That smoking cigarettes thing you're doing?  You need to stop! When you do quit, it's going to be a real bitch, so stop NOW when it'll be easier. 

Have more sex.  Oh, wait - you're 17 and two years away from having any sex.  Go down the street to that Rollie guy - have sex with him. It'll be good. Keep doing it with him and others. Sex is awesome.

It's cool that you love music - keep loving music - Just get yourself some damn good ear plugs.  Trust me. When you're in your mid-30s and you can't hear for shit, you will thank me. Or you, well me, whatever.  Ear plugs - now - wear them - all the time.

Make sure that if you are going to keep being so brutally honest, you might want to make sure you can protect yourself.  Not everyone thinks your honesty is the very best policy.

You are cuter, smarter, better than you think you are.  Start loving yourself NOW so I won't have so much work to do later.

Love ya,

*Hey! Other people can talk about boobs too!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Goodbye, Filter

I've resolved to not make any resolutions.
I can't remember the last time I did and I don't really care either way.
One thing I do need to do, and it's so not a resolution, is to stop writing with a filter.
.....I'll wait for you to pick yourself up of the floor and stop laughing.........

I dislike the fact that even when I ramble and shamble over here that I always have the nagging notion that this person or that person won't like what I write.  Or that this other person may have started reading, or that someone else will stop reading this.

Part of what bothers me so very much about this is that if you've ever met me - in person - then you know that I will always say what's on my mind.  Regardless of whether or not it's popular opinion. So, to not do that here is more than a little silly.

So, be afraid, be very afraid.  Ok, no that's not a threat, not really.  Because I also know that some of the people I'm concerned about would never ever confront me about something I wrote that they didn't like.

What can you expect to be different?
More snark.
Less fluff.
More bitch.

2012 Let's mess this place up.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Music, music and more music

I'm doing it again.
Writing a post, then deleting it. lather-rinse-repeat.

I don't really know what needs telling today.  So here's some music stuff:
  • I hate Sheryl Crow. A lot. She's one of the main reasons for my dislike of female singers as a people. 
  • That being said, there are a few female singers that I adore, damn near obsess over. TheMarty and Shannon's cousin Clare are fascinated by this. Every time I see them, they quiz me on female singers, seeing who "has it" and who does not.
  • Who has it? Adele - she is the QUEEN of has it.  Others? Stevie Nicks, Natalie Merchant, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Janis Joplin, Sarah McLachlan, Sara Bareilles (but nothing by her that's played on the radio), Patty Smyth, Pink, Missy Higgins, Joss Stone, both Anne and Nancy Wilson.
  • I'm not entirely sure what "It" is. Care to think on it?
  • I posted lyrics from Hurt so Good yesterday on both teh FB and Twitter. No one got the reference or cared. Has John Cougar Mellencamp become obsolete?
  • I start guitar class again a week from tomorrow.  I fully intend to do some practicin' between now and then. I intend to.
  • I'm also considering learning to play bass. Because I think I would be an awesome bass player. And, there's only like four strings instead of six.
  • I'm going to be hitting on John's bass player tomorrow - if I get him to kiss me, maybe he'll lend me one of his old bass's to learn on.
  • I can't decide if I want an iPod touch (which I can get now) or an iPad (which will take some time to save up for). I'm really torn on this one.
  • I had to turn down a ticket to the Megadeth/Motorhead show next month.  I'm trying to get serious about paying down my debts, and am trying to go out less. This means less concerts. This makes me sad.
  • I have a friend who's a real and true Opera singer. And he's amazing.  And I have every intention of going to see him perform soon.  And I think if you live nearby, you should see him too.
  • I like Lifehouse.  I admit it. Sure, it's a dirty little secret, but I do. My favorite tunes are Storm and Everything.  If anyone every sang Everything to me, I'd be theirs forever timez.
  • I also think 3 Doors Down is an entirely under-rated band.
  • I think Anthax's Worship Music album is one of the completely best albums I've heard in a very very long time.
  • My favorite favorite favorite song right now is Bridge Over Troubled Water. For some reason it makes me think happy thoughts about my dad. I'm even considering getting some of the lyrics tattooed on me. Sail on, Silver Girl.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


An interesting thing happened when I was off work these last ten days.
You think this is the lead in to a joke, but you'd be wrong.

I had four different friends, two male and two female, inform me that they are getting divorced.

I'm not going to go into other people's personal business too much here, I'm just finding the situations interesting, and the fact that these four people came to me is also interesting.

Now, the ladies both told me in person, and neither has filed for divorce, they were thinking about it. Each lady has a valid reason for thinking about this step - one a major trust issue, the other financial differences with her husband.  They told me in depth what they had been going through, asked my opinion (Yes! Ask the spinster all about marriage! j/k) and wanted to talk through it all.  We picked apart every "could mean" "might be" "have you/has he" possibility.  Each conversation was hours long, a little weepy, a little giggly.

The men. Sigh.
First dude sent me a drunken text at 1am on Christmas Day. He basically told me he was getting divorced and don't worry about him because he's out with friends even though it's Christmas and Merry Fucking Christmas and I know you are sad and I am sad too etc....
We played phone tag for a few days until I finally got to speak with him.  He told me the story, all dates and facts and concrete info.  The process has already begun.  They were discussing what to do with the house.  I told him I loved him, sent him a flask of very expensive Scotch (he lives in another state, so we can't drink together, at least he can drink well) and am keeping tabs on him.  Now, of course, his wife that I totally loved I totally now hate. I'm pretty clear on these kinds of things.

Second dude sent an email to a group of his long time friends.  He said that he and his wife are divorcing, and that he would like us to keep him in our thoughts.  I've tried to chat with him. He said emailing would be best, he also said he'd like to see me.  I offered up a few dates in the near future that would work for me.  He now responds that he's super busy with the divorce and finding a new place to live.  Of course, I understand.  I don't know the details on this situation yet, but he's also being very black and white.

The whole point to this post?  The fact that both ladies were all emotionally driven, and the dudes were facts and figures, even though all four of my friends are clearly hurting.  I'm not going to lie.  I find it a little odd that these people came to me (aforementioned spinster), yet I know I am a kick-ass friend, and I'm probably the person they should  turn to in this time of need.

I also know someone who should get divorced, and SOON. But that's a story for another day. Or when I'm drunk. Either way.

So, as much as I want/need/desire/require 2012 to be better for me, it's not looking so hot for some of my dear friends already.  I already know that I'll be heading out of town asap to visit my friend in the other state.  I already know that I'll be buying many fine beverages for my dear friend that is here, once he has time. 
I also know that either way they decide, the two ladies are going to need me too.

Why don't people follow my relationship lead?........Oh, never mind......