Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The weight of it all

VonDad was not much one for giving me advice.  Oh, I'm very sure he had his opinions on everything a lot of things in my life, but he pretty much kept them to himself.
I would have to ask repeatedly, sometimes beg for some sage words.

Except for once, that I remember.
And it was not long before he passed away.

VonParents and I were having dinner, our typical every other Thursday thing.  I was going on and on and on how LM was not responding to me, saying one thing then not doing it, listing off the last four or five times that I had contacted her with no response or return call from her when VonDad interupted me (something else he never did)
"Look, Von...." and he steepled his fingers and bounced them off each other, as he often did when he was thinking something through
"How much longer are you going to let this go on?"
"She's a shitty friend. This is obvious.  Sure, you've been mean and bitchy and whatever, but you've apologized for it.  What more can you do?"
"I, um,'s a long time and...."
"Yes, it's been a long time. But how long has it been since this has been a two person friendship? A very long time. You're upset. You don't need to be.  Clearly, she's not who we thought she was, she's not a good friend, and you shouldn't waste any more of you time on that."
***tears (on my part)***
VonDad moves around to sit closer to me, puts his hand on mine
"You deserve better than that.  You deserve better than her.  I think it's time you let this go.  She's not worth it, hasn't been for a long time."

And that was the end of the conversation.  What VonDad was telling me was to let go of the person who I thought would be my forever best friend.  The one person who knew me better than all others, and the person who would be my memory when we grew old. 
I didn't listen to VonDad, then.

Time passed, VonDad passed, more time passed.

This past weekend, I was thinking about VonDad, and all of the things he taught me.  I realized that while I fought it, he was almost always right.  At least he knew what was right for me. 

So, I let it go. LM and all that we had been and all that we could have been no longer exist for me.  This comes from a deep deep pain of knowing that someone just does not care after 22 + years.  Sure, I made mistakes, and was awful sometimes, but when called out on it, I apologized and offered to try to be better.  I was never given that chance.  I own all of the blame that led to a weakening and tearing of things.  However, I am not the only one at fault - LM is no saint either.  From the little things to the big, she knows what she is also guilty of.  And she is 100% at fault for throwing the friendship away like it was garbage.

So, instead of hating or disliking or whatever, I have cut her and all of those tied to her out of my life.  No facebook, no emails no nothing.  All reminders have been stored away, to be thrown out at a later date ( not up to the task right now).  I don't even have the energy to spend on negativity on the topic.
After this blog post, she just does not exist.

Now, unfortunately, because we had been friends for so long, our lives might still cross paths, as many of my friends are also her friends.  I come to peace with the fact that at our mothers' wakes we will see each other - in my opinion, our parents aren't to blame for what happened.  I was devasted when her Dad died.  There are other wakes and maybe weddings and baby showers and occasions that she may attend (or not, her life seems to be something else entirely now), but I know how to be a grown up.  That, and I'll just treat her like the stranger she has become.

Sure, I have lots and lots of friends.  I meet new people all of the time, and I'm quick to form bonds with many of them.  I even have a very best friend, who has been for a long, long time.  Shannon knows all of the ins and outs of crazy ole me, and I think she's in it for the long haul.  I also have Chris, more family than friend, I adore her. She's given me precious God-daughter - the closest thing I'll ever have to my own child. I tell these two that I love them all the time, because I do, and I would not survive this life without them.  Between Shannon and Chris, I'd be just fine, but I'm also so lucky to have many more people who I know would be there for me, because they are there for me now, through this.  They don't judge, they just comfort, and that's more than enough.  You all know who you are, right?

I will not lie, though, this is going to be painful for a while.  There is no one who has that much history, that much inside knowledge of me and what I've been through.  Some of the worst experiences of my life LM helped me through - and some of the best. 

But it's time I start listening to VonDad's advice - so long fought for and so thoughtfully given.

So, goodbye, LM - you no longer exist.  I hope you also know this means you are no longer welcome on this blog.  Go read something else, m'kay?

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The return of the transparency project

I've been getting more and more of a short fuse lately about all of the:
  • Intentionally cryptic
  • Intentionally vague (Vaguebooking)
  • First world problems whines
  • Passive/aggressive to the nth degree
  • Self obssessed small minded
Facebook status updates.

So, instead of ruining "friendships" and having people drop me in their rage, I'm fighting back with the Return of the Transparency Project.

It's really boring as fuck all*

So, each day I will be posting the most mundane details I can think of at 6:45 am.

Here's part of it:
I am wearing pants and an orange shirt.  My eyes itch.  My mood is fair to middlin' (yesterday)

Today I let teh FB know that I had a dream about zombies; that I am wearing a black dress to kinda hide the fact that my nail polish is black this week; and that my headband has a big metal flower on it.

Is this going to drive people crazy? God, I hope so.
Is this going to make people be a little more aware of the piles of crap that they themselves are posting? GOD I HOPE SO.

* = "fuck all" is my new favorite swear term.  I'm still working out the kinks, but I'm totally going to make it a thing

Friday, June 8, 2012


Here's my Dad. 
I don't think I was there when this was taken, and I don't know when it was taken.
I know that he was in his yard, probably enjoying a hot dog and some fries with any number of his kids and grandkids.
I know he was happy when it was taken.

I love this picture.

Happy Birthday, Dad.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

The reason

I won't be blogging much in June.

There's a good reason.

This Saturday, the 9th is (would have been? Was?) my Dad's birthday.  He would have been 72.
Next Sunday - my first Father's Day without my Dad.
Saturday the 23rd - My Mom's birthday, her first without my Dad.

I can barely get out of bed in the morning, much less write anything entertaining.

That whole "time makes it better" thing? Bull shit.

So I think it best to spare you my misery and just not post.  I'll be around, commenting here and there.
But I don't really feel like writing a bunch of posts about him.

I am SO glad that last year for Father's day, I did write a post about/for my Dad. I also posted it on teh FB, so he was able to read it. 
I remember I asked him if he read it.  I gave me a little half smile, and there was a questioning look in his eyes.  He said "Yep. I read it. Very nice, Von."
I wonder if he was trying to tell me something.  I feel now like he knew that I knew that something wasn't quite right, even then, in June.

So just do me a favor - that person that you love most above all others? Tell them so.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

But then....

So, y'all read why I'd want to move away.
I felt that way for the better part of a week.  Then, this happened.

5/25: I met Brando and TLB for dinner and drinks.  It was a lovely evening - warm enough to sit outside (with the heaters on) and spend some time.  We had a great time.  I drove home that night thinking about how I really like those two, and I hope that we can become better friends and spend more time together.  Me being me, I had even told them that I'd like to hang out more often, and that I meant it.  They agreed.
5/26: I went to the movies with John and Toni.  John's parents joined us (a surprise to me) and I gave them great big hugs.  As I watched the previews and looked over at these people, I realized that John and Toni are more family than friends, and I wouldn't be the same without them.
5/26: I worked a show at Old Town.  It was an interesting show, something I'd likely not see anywhere else.
5/27: I went to Mars Cheese Castle with delightful God-daughter and her mom.  It was 90+ degrees out, the car had no a/c, and yet we had such a fun time.  Picking on God-daughter, making silly jokes about nothing.  I gave them both big sweaty hugs good bye and told them I loved them.  I thanked C a million times for taking me to the Cheese Castle.  She looked at me like I was crazy.  She thinks that when I need or want something, it's just on her to take care of it.
5/27: I went to a BBQ at T&C's house.  T is someone I have known for years, but we have just recently started hanging out more.  I really only know T&C, and not any of their friends.  Their friends are very interesting and nice.  Always willing to talk to the person (me) that didn't know anyone.  I was included in many conversations, and it was nice that a handful of the people that I had met once before remembered me. 

I left there realizing that there are millions of interesting people out in the world, and yes, even some in Chicago that I have yet to meet.  There are also quite a few people that, while I have broken ground on a friendship, I have not put enough time or effort in to them.  I need to work on that.

5/28: Another hot day, and a few plans in the hopper.  I cancelled all my plans. I was exhausted and my house was a mess. 
While I sat on my couch in the a/c that day, I let my mind wander over the past few days.

I had spent some time with some amazing people.  People who I care a lot about.  People who I could care a lot about.  Some new, some old, some family, some little more than acquaintances, but overall - it was the people that made the weekend, not the things I was doing.

So, if I stay here longer than I think I will, it will be the people that keep me here.

And I'm actually ok with that.