Wednesday, June 15, 2016

And on the flip side of that -

People should really stop comparing themselves to ME too.
Oh, hey, hi there. Thank you all for coming back.
Still working day to day on this week's thing - Quit comparing myself to other people. Though not a life changer just yet, there are some definite changes for the better.

Anyway - today's post is same topic, but reversed.

I think I've said this before, likely more than once, but I'm like one of those movies - you know the ones - either you love it or you hate it at first viewing, and there is no grey area. No 'Well...'
No second viewing, no second chance.  I know this to be true about me. Not so much with my very close friends, but with the public and/or new people.
You see, I'm kinda an unrepentant Bitch.  Who pretty much gives no fucks what people think of me.

Now, I do NOT toot my horn of IAmSoAwesome, NO.
This can be a very bad thing.  This is often a weight thing, with strangers. "Am I as big as she is?"
Not a fun comparison.
"Am I as blonde as she is?" Not likely, I pay a lot of money for this hair. I pay more for it to be unique to me.

Am I as, am I as, am I as....I could go on and on.

I'm relatively new to my current job (long horrible story, but trust me, never ever order from GrubHub - you'll be putting money in the pockets of a man who likes to fire people for no reason, say "Because I can" with a smile on his face. anyway)
My new job is a growing company, and many have started after me.  I've only been here just under six months.  My focus is on me, get my shit done, get it done perfectly, become an asset to my boss, and his boss. Other than that, I'm good.
Not too long after me, came a gaggle of new women.  Now, we were four or five women when I started.  We are now at least double that.
And they want to be as funny as I am.  They compare their wit and quickness with mine.  And, they fail.  I'm sorry, ladies, I have been doing this Humor is my Armor thing for too long to be unseated so quickly.  Especially when a perfectly crafted and timed joke comes out of my mouth, like poop out of a stately Clydesdale, and they follow along. They should be sweeping up, just appreciate it ladies! You're welcome, but no, they try to get their little clean up ponies to poop as well, and it's just NO.

I admit, and you already know, I have this weird self confidence.  It's too much, to some people. It's not allowed, to others.  It's just how I am.

A few years ago, I became much closer to a couple of my friends from Old Town.  We started a (still ongoing) IM chat that we rely on every day for cute animal pics and videos, hot British guy pics, advice, virtual shoulders to cry on, etc.  For a while, we started meeting for dinner before our Thursday night classes. More out of common schedules and the need for food than anything more formal.
One night, we were walking the very short distance from dinner place to school place. A girl (I'm sorry, she's probably 30, but to me, she's a girl) that the other two  know, and I barely tolerated from my class was following behind us.  Whatever the topic had been at dinner had carried over, and we were laughing about it as we went.  I said good bye to my pals, and went to wait for class. The girl walked up to me and said, "You guys are so, I don't know. You're just so - COOL."  Oh, trust me, the emphasis was there. Us? Cool? Yes, my friends are cool, they are super cool. Me? No, I'm just lucky enough to get to hang with them from time to time. Ah ha. She was comparing herself to me! And my two friends! Bad idea, sister.

See, what she didn't know, and what the girls at work don't know, and what strangers and best friends and all of the people don't know, is that I am not worth it.  Don't get me wrong, this is no cry for help, or comments, or compliments.  It's just the truth.  I'm just me, and I'm ok with me. I'd so rather they all be ok with themselves.
I get up every morning, eyes bleary. Turn on the news, laugh along to the silly anchors, admire their comedic timing, even study it.  While I brush my less than perfect teeth, I remind myself of this week's Get Your Shit Together introspection - Quit Comparing Yourself to others and I think about how I'm going to improve on that that day.  As I walk to my car, I remind myself how grateful I am for this job that I like a whole lot, at a neat company, with mostly decent people.  I'm then grateful for my new to me car. I go to work, I work hard to be an asset, I make people laugh.  I go home, and some nights I just cry it out. No reason, no catalyst.  Just a lot of self doubt, and baggage and skeletons and all of the other things that just mean shit in my brains.  I put on jammies too early, sometimes I eat candy.  I read until I fall asleep and then I let my yet untreated sleep apnea waft me into unconsciousness.  I get up and do it all again.
Someday, I'll be successful and not compare myself to others in any way.  I'll admire them, and learn from them, or I'll say a prayer for them.  But I will not compare.  And I hope, someday, the people that seek to compare themselves to ME will find the same kind of peace within themselves to also stop.


Jennifer said...

I just had dental surgery, so hopefully no one will compare themselves to me. :) In the words of some wise internetian... you do you, right? I'm not sure if that makes us monosexual, or autosexual, but hey... I'm on drugs right now... perhaps I'm misreading and #drugs-filthbot is the name of the game. Anyhow, Von.... ONWARD, Ms. Kitten!

Jennifer said...

That was supposed to be #drugs=filthbot....

Smut Clyde said...


I am filthbot yet I am not a drug. Explain.

Jennifer said...

How do you know you're not a drug??

Von? What are you pondering this week? Your hatred for Nonchata?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I am nothing like you, Von. NOTHING.

After all, YOU can play guitar.

Also, I comment at YOUR blog...

I keed, I keed. I died last year, did I tell you? Changes your outlook damn fast....

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