Thursday, June 7, 2012

The reason

I won't be blogging much in June.

There's a good reason.

This Saturday, the 9th is (would have been? Was?) my Dad's birthday.  He would have been 72.
Next Sunday - my first Father's Day without my Dad.
Saturday the 23rd - My Mom's birthday, her first without my Dad.

I can barely get out of bed in the morning, much less write anything entertaining.

That whole "time makes it better" thing? Bull shit.

So I think it best to spare you my misery and just not post.  I'll be around, commenting here and there.
But I don't really feel like writing a bunch of posts about him.

I am SO glad that last year for Father's day, I did write a post about/for my Dad. I also posted it on teh FB, so he was able to read it. 
I remember I asked him if he read it.  I gave me a little half smile, and there was a questioning look in his eyes.  He said "Yep. I read it. Very nice, Von."
I wonder if he was trying to tell me something.  I feel now like he knew that I knew that something wasn't quite right, even then, in June.

So just do me a favor - that person that you love most above all others? Tell them so.


zombie rotten mcdonald said...

So I think it best to spare you my misery and just not post

Dammit! Is that a rule now? There goes pretty much my entire blog.

Sometimes venting is a good thing Von. At least that's what I tell myself.

But you gotta make whatever choices are good for you, not us.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Time makes things worse.

Jennifer said...

Being in limbo makes things worse.

Be kind to yourself, Von. See you in July.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

that's pretty fucking dark, even for you, thunder.

Get to WV as soon as possible. Columbus is. apparently, a bad place to be with too much time on your hands. You need Puppeh Therapy.

blue girl said...

Jennifer's advice is good advice, Von. It's hard to figure out what that exactly means when you're feeling like crap, but there's a lot of wisdom in it and you'll discover what it really means. And when you do, you'll feel better.

I found that even the simplest thing, like focusing on your breath, is a good way of being kind to yourself. It calms the mind.

Love & peace to you.

Brando said...

Hang in there, Von.

K.Becker said...

Time DOES make things better. But don't expect too much too fast. It is not a smooth process. And it is a choice.

The first year has a LOT of "first without's" and each one can set you back. Overall, the progress will be forward, but only if you choose it to be. My dad's sister, who is 90, lost her daughter to cancer, then her husband, and whose son is permanently institutionalized due to schizophrenia (AND bi-polar) - remains happy in her life. She's one of the strongest people I know. She's the one who refers to her life in Berlin in 1945 as "not such a good year".
In order to grieve over a loss, you must have HAD something in the first place. If you beleive "time makes things worse" then it will.

I just got through the first year without my mom and my brother. May was REALLY hard.
1. Anniversary of my mom's death
2. Mother's Day
3. My mom's 80th birthday.
After 40 years, I still get blue in October - my dad died Oct. 18. I expect that now January and May will always be a little off for me too. My plan is to give myself permission to remember, and even to be sad, but NOT to become bitter or depressing. Who does that help? Certainly not me. For me, a big lesson learned from all these deaths in our family is that life is short so don't waste it.