Wednesday, May 30, 2012

My ramble about moving away.....someday

By no means am I too stupid or too romantic to think that if I moved away (say, to Denver) that my life would change forever for the good.  I would not immediately find a husband, a great job, get out of debt, get healthier.
I know these things.

About seven years ago, I considered a move.  A big one.  I was offered a job in Florida, not long after I called off my wedding.  My parents were delighted, VonDad most of all. He offered to buy me a computer and a plane ticket home every Christmas.  Pretty sure VonMom had visions of me exercising on the beach, eating only fruits, veggies, and fresh seafood.  Either way, they were pretty pumped.  I was too. A little scared, but pretty much set on my course.
Then, VonDad got sick.  It wasn't much, not life-threatening, and I realized that this big move I had planned would take me away from here, from my family forever.  That I was making a permanent change.
I didn't sleep for weeks, and finally I called the wonderful man who had offered me the job.  I explained my position, and ultimately turned down the job.  He was so gracious about the whole thing.  He even told me that he respected me for thinking things all the way through.

I put my wanderlust and all thoughts of moving away on a shelf.

Then, VonDad passed away.

Not long after, VonMom said that she knows deep down that someday I will leave, and it will be permanent.  I told her she's probably right.  It's a known fact that I stayed here for my dad, and really no one else.

Again, I don't have stars in my eyes.  If I give it any serious thought, I get all nervous and my stomach gets all clenchy.

Then, I went to Denver, for the second time.

I know that I would be riding the coat tails of all of the things that C has already done.  His friends would become my friends, and for a while at least - his social life would be my social life.

I also know (for a fact), that I would look completely different than I do now.  I'd have purple or blue or pink hair (all of it, not just streaks that I can hide).  I'd have at least a dozen more tattoos.  I'd wear all of the fun rocker grrrl jewelry I own.  I'd get to wear my pink tights, and fun dresses.
I know all of these things because I could practically taste them when I was there. 

I've always known that I stifle all of the creative things I want to do with my appearance here.  There are very few people here who get it (who get ME, actually), that would understand that that is how I truly feel I should look, that is how I'd be most comfortable in my own skin.  My family and (many if not most of my) friends would look at me like I lost my marbles.  Certain members of my family would yell at me, and try to shame me back down to "normal".

I know that this is no one's fault by mine.  I made choices and decisions along the way in life that have brought me to where I am now.  To have the job I have, I do have to follow certain standards of dress, and this does include my hair color.  I choose to keep my tattoos coverable (for now), because I expect to get a certain level of employment, and I do feel that people are unfairly judged by things like number of earrings and tattoos in general. 
Knowing that I did this to myself, knowing that I have to stay like this for a long while still, this does not make the itch go away.  My first tattoo was 20 years ago now.  I have not, and likely never will, lose the desire to get more.  I have the next three already planned out.  I just have not had the time nor the money to go get them done.

Don't worry, dear reader - I am clearly not going anywhere any time soon.  I refuse to move away from here until I have my stupid debts paid down - if not completely then at least significantly.  I also will not move without some cash in the bank.  I'd rather not go without a job lined up.

Oh, and that's the major current hang up - believe it or not, I LOVE both of my jobs.  I really do.  My day job feels like it was made just for me, and I am so proud of all I have built up at it.  Plus, I work for the most amazing company I am likely to ever work for, and I would never throw that away.  My other job I campaigned and prayed and hoped for for longer than I care to admit.  And I have only had that job for about a year.  There is no way that I am ready to walk away from it.  I may find something similar to it, or something else in music, but I will never have these wonderful people again.

I'm not making excuses.  I'm just laying it out there, like I always do, for your reading pleasure.

I'd love to go. Someday. I don't see myself in Chicago in 10 years.  My four most likely towns are: Denver, Portland, Seattle, Boston.  These aren't in any order, and strangely I have never been to Portland or Seattle, I just have a feeling.

But, for now, dear readers, you're stuck with me.

19 comments:

Michael said...

Well, okay. At least we can get a drink tomorrow before you go gallivanting all over creation.

Jennifer said...

I've always known that I stifle all of the creative things I want to do with my appearance here. There are very few people here who get it (who get ME, actually)

I hear ya, Von. I can't believe how much I stifle where I am... just so it's a smoother ride for my lamblets. Perhaps we should both go pink this summer! I don't think the yellow tones in my skin would work with purple...

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

the funny thing is, Von, that writing a blog can be done from all those cities too, I am pretty sure.

I think the thing is YOU are stuck with US.

fish said...

I'm moving to Australia.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

take me with you.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I think New Zealand sounds nice. A.K. and S.C. can introduce us to the hobbits.
~

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Maybe the thing to do in the meantime is to try to re-imagine Chicago, to try to look through a tourist's eyes, figure out some things that you haven't done, but think would be fun.

You haven't sucked Chicago dry yet, just find the juice that you haven't tasted.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

I don't see myself in Chicago in 10 years. My four most likely towns are: Denver, Portland, Seattle, Boston.

I don't see Yonkers on that list, missy! You're in trouble.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Yonkers is like the Milwaukee of the East.

Brando said...

Von, like we talked about at dinner, the West is a great place for new beginnings. You'll know when the time is right to go.

Kathleen said...

I hear ya sweetie

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

BRANDO AND VON WENT OUT EATING/DRINKING??!?!?!?

WHY WASN'T I INVITED???!!/

HARRUMPH X ELEVENTY!!!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I've always known that I stifle all of the creative things I want to do with my appearance here.

That's how I felt when they told me I had to wear pants to work.

Von said...

After I move to Yonkers, B4 and I will take a trip to Australia and New Zealand, see if we like it.

OMG Z!!! What evs. You know - what evs.....

Von said...

J- I'll do it if you do it.
Hey, let's do it together!! We'll let the lamblets loose on our hair with dyes!!
Um.....wait.....

Von said...

K-Unit - Ya know what I mean?

Von said...

Z - I totally forgot I can blog from anywhere!! I thought it was just from my desk here in CHicago!
:)

Von said...

M -
Yes, you and me and that guy Jim and Sue and Joe...
A big ole party, that was!

Wenchie said...

Now clearly, I don't know shit from shine-ola. I'm a fat person who dresses uber-conservatively partly to keep attention away from the fat, and partly because of wear I work. I have three tatts. Little known fact -- I'd love to wear pig-tails and skirts with busy prints. And here's the part where I give you advice that I MYSELF should take, so take it with a grain of salt: Maybe if you made it so that your outer matches your inner, you'd feel more like yourself, and all those things you want for yourself would just come naturally? Being even sillier: Maybe your destiny hasn't found you because it doesn't recognize you? Okay, I'll stop now.