You can't handle the snark

You want snark? Snark is what you'll get. Wedding snark, that is.

• I sat near the back of the church for two reasons. 1. With the groom pretending to be all Catholic and all, acting like a virgin, I didn't want to get hit by the flying debris when the lightning struck. 2. the priest presiding was the priest that interupted my first kiss by shouting "Whore! Whore! Whore!" and pointing his saintly finger in my face. Thanks, Fr. Cronin, you asshole. And thanks, Rico, for having Fr. Cronin perform your wedding mass and not giving me the heads up, you asshole.
• The bride chose not to have flowers because they allegedly wilt faster in the cold weather. Instead, she opted for feather dusters. Small black feather dusters for the bridesmaids, and a gigantic white feather duster ball for herself. Mmm.hmm. Ok.
• They danced to "At Last" for their first dance. 1. Trite, everyone does it, sigh, ho hum. 2. At Last what? Someone got him to settle down? At Last what people?
• Rico was smart enough to seat my ex's wife at a different table. Karma being what she is and the bitch ended up at my table. At the opposite end from me, but facing me. If looks could kill, both ways, it would have been ugly. Like her. **giggle** I had at least four people ask me what she was doing at my table. That's right, people, at least you know who is queen.
• I drunkenly shucked the strawberry that was hanging out on the edge of my champagne glass on the floor. (It was in my way). Laura slipped and fell two hours later. When asked on Monday if the floor was wet or something, she said "Remember that strawberry?" I had to giggle a little.
• When walking to the bar to get a drink (my 12th or 13th vodka/tonic/lime, I believe), ex grabbed my arm and asked "Are you hitting on B?" - this was in the middle of the dance floor - I yanked my arm back and spat back "What.is.it.to.you?!?!?!" loudly. NO no no, you do not get to ask that question.
• Being asked the above question made me consider hitting on B. However, by that point, remaining upright was slightly more important.
• I might have asked someone who's getting divorced if I can have my $$ back, since he hasn't even been married for 2 years, and I think that warrants a refund.
• I may or may not have told my friend's mother that while three of her children I adore, the other three are evil.
• I may or may not have looked at my friend during the meal, looked around the room, and said "But, it's just sooooo Italian."
• When I walked up the the head table after dinner to say hi to the happy couple, the bride introduced me to her maid of honor. I tried to be all grown up and polite, "Nice toast, lovely dress, blah blah blah." The bride said "Why weren't you at the bachlorette party?!? I had a dick for you.....this bitch is hard core." Nothing but class!
• The CD that was given as a favor sucks. I mean, it has "At Last" on it. I may use it as a coaster.

And also with you

I will review the wedding, later on. Right now, I want to write about the Mass. The wedding had a full Catholic Mass, of course, seeing as the groom went to Quigley Prep Seminary School. *side note: I did musicals at Quigley during high school, which is where I met this entire group of friends. Not ONE of them became a priest. And people wonder why Quigley closed down* Anyway, as I was raised properly, of course I went to the wedding Mass, as it's the ceremony that matters most, more than the party, right? So, we're at Mass. When I wasn't busy cackling and being evil critiquing the whole affair, I did pay some attention to the Mass itself. As mentioned the other day, I don't really go to Mass. I was an altar server in junior high, we were the first class that allowed girls to do that, so it was a pretty big deal. I worked regular Mass, Novenas, stations of the cross, funerals, weddings. I KNOW the Mass. I mean I know it. That's something you don't forget. The part I forgot I loved, and still love is the sign of peace. I mean, break it down "Peace be with you" "And also with you" "Peace.be.with.you" hug, kiss, shake hands with people you don't know. You are wishing someone Peace in their life, and accepting their wish for peace in yours. I know that I could use a LOT more peace in my life. Peace is not only of religion, but it's all encompassing. Bad day at work? Wish for peace and quiet. Bad argument with family? Work towards keeping the peace. Peace. The word itself is calming for me. I do need more peace. Peace in my family life, peace in my relationships, peace in my day to day. To have some of my best friends, the people who know me the best and love me anyway hug me and wish me Peace, that made the whole going to Mass thing worthwhile. That being said: Peace be with you. Each and every one of you. enough niceness. more snark to follow.

It's Friday, I'm (not!) in Love.....

NO, I have not had Dunkin Donuts. NO I have not purchased a breakfast item. NO I AM NOT LOVING MY NEW OATMEAL FUELED WEEKDAY MORNINGS. 38 days to go. Ahem. Tonight is Date #4. pick your God Damned mouths up off the floor. geesh We're going for dinner at the same little Irish place where we went for drinks on our first date. spare me the "awwws" he just wants to try the food there I had a little chat with Jesus. Jesus says I can eat meat for dinner tonight, if I want, in celebration of my fourth date with the same person! Jesus loves me for giving dude with a few strikes against me another chance. And another. And another......you get the idea. Tomorrow I'm going to a wedding. I don't give them very long. I'm thinking. 3.5 years. NO I AM NOT AN EVIL ANTI-MARRIAGE BITCH What I am is realistic. And I know the groom really well. So, I don't really know the bride, but that's because I know enough about the groom to not invest in any woman in his life. He's that friend. The one who shouldn't get married. Ever. I am excited about the wedding because I get to see my largest group of friends, all together in one place. I don't spend as much time as I'd like with this group anymore, so seeing them will be good. Plus, it's one wedding down. Four to go. Yes, this year. Yes, I'm that person this year. Sigh. I just dropped a cheeto in my bra. This is a fact. I'm also checking to see if you're paying attention. Sunday will be errand running, chore doing, then off to John and Toni's for some good food and better conversation. Probably conversation about their wedding. Which is in September. Which I'm campaigning to be in. And it's in Vegas.

Giving up

Yes, I still give things up for Lent. Yes, I also still try to remember to not eat meat on Fridays during Lent. I could give a shit if you do or don't follow Lenten traditions. At best, I am a lapsed Catholic. I don't really believe in going to Mass, and I am wholly against going on High Holy Days and pretending that's good enough. VonMom, I'm looking at you. BUT I am someone's Godmother. Someone old enough to ask what I'm giving up for Lent. She's one of the most important people in my life, so for her I *gulp* try to set a good Catholic example. SO This year? It's going to be a tough one people! I'm giving up Dunkin Doughnuts and everything they sell (good bye, bagel!) for the duration of Lent - C'mon Easter! Get here soon! I'm also giving up buying breakfast during the week. So, if it's not oatmeal or yogurt brought from home, I can't have it. Both of these are going to be big sacrifices. HUGE! But, ultimately, it'll be good for my diet and good for my wallet. But trust me, I will feel that loss! One day down, 39 to go.

Fat Tuesday

What does fat Tuesday mean to me? It means that the office wide Lenten diet mission begins, and there's money to be won. So, that means for today: A cup of french onion soup followed by 1/2 Cheeseburger 1/2 Lobster & Crab burger Some truffle fries Some homemade chips Some berries and vanilla creme at Capitol Grille. That's how I roll, people. Literally, I'm pretty sure I rolled back to the office after that lunch.

To get a read

I need to learn how to get a better read on people. I've got a bit of a conundrum. I should know better by now, though. For about 20 years now (I was very very very young!), I've been around a lot of musicians, actors, dancers, artists. I thought I had developed a good read on people, primarily artistic people. See, the thing about them is that while some a generally nice, warm, outgoing people, others are just pleasant enough to get you to come to their show/expo/whatever. I had been very good at separating the wheat from the chafe on this topic. Case in point, my very very good friend JB. I consider him my best guy friend. We've been friends for 17 years. In those 17 years he has been in many many bands. He's currently in three or four - I can't keep up. I do go to his shows when I can, because I enjoy the music, and his band mates are awesome and I like hanging out with them. JB is my friend, really and truly. Supporting his music is something I do, not something he expects of me. That being said. I have some other people around, acquaintances more than friends, that I can't get a good read on. They are mostly musicians and dancers. The problem could be that they have been artists for so long, that maybe they don't even know whether they are trolling for ticket sales or being open and friendly. I don't know how to figure it out. This is not a huge thing, just something that's been bouncing around my brain for a while.

An update, and a request

Here's the update: Man A: The shy one who digs me some - we're getting together tonight. No clue what we're doing, I think I'll leave that up to him. I'm tired. Exhausted really, after a late late night of partying with some wacky Germans. Weiberfastnacht (I think?) = crazy good times. Anyway. I'd be happy if we either have a couple of drinks, or hang out. Not too much. There better be some good kissing this time. Man B: The one that may be losing interest - I called him out via email. Still can't get a good read, but those that I've let read the email think he's not dis-interested, just super busy and not sure what he wants right now. Mmmm hmm. Because I look like the grrrrl that will sit sighing by the phone, waiting for him to decide he has time for me? Not.So.Much. So, out with Man A tonight. Here's the request: You all will be my Valentines. Okey dokey? Actually, this is not so much a request than a demand. The way you all zardoz the hell out of me, laugh with and at me, raise me up, keep me in line, care about me, care less about my flaws - you all are the perfect Valentines, so you are MINE ALL MINE ALL MINE!!!! Sending chalky pastel candy hearts your way. xoxo