Tuesday, February 23, 2010

You can't handle the snark

You want snark? Snark is what you'll get. Wedding snark, that is.
  • I sat near the back of the church for two reasons. 1. With the groom pretending to be all Catholic and all, acting like a virgin, I didn't want to get hit by the flying debris when the lightning struck. 2. the priest presiding was the priest that interupted my first kiss by shouting "Whore! Whore! Whore!" and pointing his saintly finger in my face. Thanks, Fr. Cronin, you asshole. And thanks, Rico, for having Fr. Cronin perform your wedding mass and not giving me the heads up, you asshole.
  • The bride chose not to have flowers because they allegedly wilt faster in the cold weather. Instead, she opted for feather dusters. Small black feather dusters for the bridesmaids, and a gigantic white feather duster ball for herself. Mmm.hmm. Ok.
  • They danced to "At Last" for their first dance. 1. Trite, everyone does it, sigh, ho hum. 2. At Last what? Someone got him to settle down? At Last what people?
  • Rico was smart enough to seat my ex's wife at a different table. Karma being what she is and the bitch ended up at my table. At the opposite end from me, but facing me. If looks could kill, both ways, it would have been ugly. Like her. **giggle** I had at least four people ask me what she was doing at my table. That's right, people, at least you know who is queen.
  • I drunkenly shucked the strawberry that was hanging out on the edge of my champagne glass on the floor. (It was in my way). Laura slipped and fell two hours later. When asked on Monday if the floor was wet or something, she said "Remember that strawberry?" I had to giggle a little.
  • When walking to the bar to get a drink (my 12th or 13th vodka/tonic/lime, I believe), ex grabbed my arm and asked "Are you hitting on B?" - this was in the middle of the dance floor - I yanked my arm back and spat back "What.is.it.to.you?!?!?!" loudly. NO no no, you do not get to ask that question.
  • Being asked the above question made me consider hitting on B. However, by that point, remaining upright was slightly more important.
  • I might have asked someone who's getting divorced if I can have my $$ back, since he hasn't even been married for 2 years, and I think that warrants a refund.
  • I may or may not have told my friend's mother that while three of her children I adore, the other three are evil.
  • I may or may not have looked at my friend during the meal, looked around the room, and said "But, it's just sooooo Italian."
  • When I walked up the the head table after dinner to say hi to the happy couple, the bride introduced me to her maid of honor. I tried to be all grown up and polite, "Nice toast, lovely dress, blah blah blah." The bride said "Why weren't you at the bachlorette party?!? I had a dick for you.....this bitch is hard core." Nothing but class!
  • The CD that was given as a favor sucks. I mean, it has "At Last" on it. I may use it as a coaster.

14 comments:

Jennifer said...

And peace has left the building!!

Being asked the above question made me consider hitting on B. However, by that point, remaining upright was slightly more important.

Von- not being upright is helpful after hitting on someone.

And... feather dusters? That's new.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

the priest that interrupted my first kiss by shouting "Whore! Whore! Whore!" and pointing his saintly finger in my face.

Really? Glad I didn't grow up catholic.

BUT. It is a Never-Forgettable first kiss.

Laura slipped and fell two hours later.

2 HOURS LATERZ? totally not your fault. There was alcohol available, I am reliably informed.

ALSO. last TWO weddings I attended, I sung the song "Beetown". The first time was abridged, because the lyrics are foul. But at the second, since the guy who WROTE IT, and the guy who PLAYED GUITAR, were both present, we did the full song, WITH ADDITIONAL VERSES. It begins:

When I left my home of Beetown
at the age of Fifteen
I searched the whole world
for the girl of my dreams.

I met her in a bar
at a late night rendezvous
I hope they don't arrest me
for stealing critters from the zoo ....


It gets worse.

Von said...

Lovez it.
You will sing at my wedding?
In say, 20, 30 years?

Jennifer said...

Beetown will be playing on a loop in ZEDHaus.

fish said...

2. the priest presiding was the priest that interupted my first kiss by shouting "Whore! Whore! Whore!"

Wow! That is like out of some creepy Stephen King movie.

The bride chose not to have flowers because they allegedly wilt faster in the cold weather.

Which is why all florists keep their flowers in the oven.

Jennifer said...

2. the priest presiding was the priest that interupted my first kiss by shouting "Whore! Whore! Whore!"

Did he make comments about your dirty pillows?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Beetown will be playing on a loop in ZEDHaus.

I will need to convert the original from cassette tape...

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Aaah, snark I've missed you so.

If I am ever crazy enough to marry, you are going to have to come and snark it up. Though it's looking more and more likely that would happen in a foreign country under a chuppah with only family, in a region where little to no English is spoken. So, it might spare you a waste of your weekend for the benefit of blog snark.

The feather dusters? That is just messed up. Messed. Up. (I did not have to be there to be able to say that, do I?)

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Sounds like more fun than a barrel full of monkeys!
~

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

The CD always sucks. It tries to offend nobody, and succeeds.

If authoring CDs would have been possible (hell, when we got married, CDs were unknown) the one I would put together would have offended EVERYONE.

fish said...

Not me.

Von said...

probably not me either.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I would put Rush on it, fish.

BOTH KINDS.

Von said...

i
like
Rush