Stupid post

I've written and deleted three different posts for today.
I guess that goes to show where my mind is at.
But I wanted to post something, so the fourth time may be the charm.
Weekend Highlights:

• Shannon's birthday at DANK. Cupcakes, Schnapps, People, Bohnanza.
• Dance show at Old Town. Not just entertaining, but truly fascinating.
• Saturday night. Totally confused by my messed up memory and my misconceptions about someone. Pleasantly surprised overall.
• The play list I've been working on for a while is finally finished, and finally perfect.
• Solid three hour nap on Saturday, 2 1/2 hour nap Sunday.
• Work thing finished, handed in, and proud feelings about that.

Weekend Lowlights:

• "Tucked Dad In" aka - the interment of my Dad's ashes at the cemetery. Yes, I lost it a few times. I would have been ok-ish had the priest not brought up Thanksgiving. So I lost it.
• Person I really really really dislike that I had to work with at the Old Town. I try to ignore her, but it's pretty impossible.
• Breaking one of my own rules, which messed up most of my Sunday.
• Had a dream about Dad, woke up sobbing, could not fall back asleep.
• Questioning my ability to read people.

So busy, so I'll cheat. And break a sweat

So, I was out too late (again) and didn't get any sleep (again), so I was a right Zombie when I got in my car at 6:30 this morning.
Turned on the radio.
Heard the above.  I car danced my way alllll the way to the train station.

That is all.
W!O!R!D! UP!

Tough love via a guitar

Last week, VonMom made this statement about VonDad's guitar:
"If you're not going to play it, then you cannot have it."
Way to tough love me, VonMom.
So, went to breakfast Saturday morning with her, and assured her that yes, the guitar was in my car, meaning yes, I was going to class.

I went to Old Town - after I parked, I realized it was the first time I'd been there since VonDad passed.
Got myself in the door, got myself signed up for class, picked up a paycheck, and headed to the store to get the guitar tuned.
Handed guitar to dude in store.
Dude: "Wow. This is a really nice guitar."
Tears.
Sigh.
So, I did go to class, knowing full well that favorite teacher man knew the situation.
"I will sit by the door, in case I need to leave."
"You do what you need to do."
Not only did I survive class, but ultimately, I enjoyed it.  We played a few songs  I had learned before, so it was easier than I had expected.
Whenever I looked up, teacher man was smiling in my direction, nodding his head - his way of encouraging me to keep going forward.
At one point, he said "It's like riding a bicycle."  and I felt that that was true.
About half way through class, I found myself singing along and enjoying my playing, which I didn't think would happen so quickly.  It was mostly bitter, small parts sweet, but I did it.

After class, teacher man said "See you next week?"
*sigh* "No, we're having my dad's internment. I'll be at the cemetery." *sigh*

One step forward, two steps back.

I mean, how could you NOT.....

Man, I was TOTALLY going to marry Slash.....
But this is more about the weather and my mood than the hot that is (was?) Slash.

Enjoy, minions  CO-HORTS (better???)

I must go wipe the sweat off my brow.

Me quoting me

Yep, I said it.
Here are some of the things I said over the weekend.*
'Cause it might be entertaining.

• I think J is married. Or dead. These are the only two logical explanations.
• No, I did not have company last night. That was your tennant. Go, tennant, go.
• Why, yes, I did throw away the Color Me Badd and the Debbie Gibson.
• You can shower at my house, and sleep in my bed. I promise not to touch you.
• It took me over five hours and three industrial garbage bags.
• I need you to come downstairs and bring a killing thing with you.
• If I can't shit, you can't sit.
• Oh, my, you look so incredibly.......gay. Or Polish. Or both.
• .....spins a web, from his hand, Man that's cool Spider Man!.....
• I think, you know, like a spring. But not just a spring, a cool spring, with stuff in or around it.
• Thank you for not making me smack your heads together.
• Ain't no party like an A Team party. Which one am I again?
• So I'm just supposed to rinse the still moving legs down the drain?!
• and then, you know, I got those unsolicited dick pics......
• How nice of him. Want to come play barbies?

See? Now it's like you were right there with me.
And yes, I was sober the entire weekend. No, no new meds, just no time to drink.



*In completely random order

borrowing Fuck you Friday

So, I'm going to go ahead and borrow Fuck you Friday from the Zombie.
I don't think he'll mind.
And if he does, I apologize.

Today's target of the Fuck you Friday are the couple 'o dudes in my life who find more fun in flirting via text and email and IM than in actually hanging out in person.  Flirting is fun and all, but I want MORE.

Head Games by Foreigner just popped up on the iPod - a sign? I think so!

Saluting you with a kiss to my middle finger E, A, and J.
You're almost out of chances. 

Because, you know, I'm vulnerable and prone to making bad decisions......

Awesome people are awesome

Against all wishes, time does indeed soldier on.
I guess I'll have to move along with it.
Back to work this week. Some days are more difficult than others, but the busy distraction is definitely good for me.

So, there was this non-Von-birthday thing last Friday night.
I had every intention of cancelling it, but VonMom argued against it, and to be honest, VonMom pretty much gets whatever she wants these days.

I went ahead with it.  I sent an email to all those invited and said hey, let's all meet and have a drink to my dad instead.

I had a friend pick me up an hour early, just so I could get there and have a drink and settle in to the evening.  Upon arrival, ran into two of my Old Town friends who were early for the get together.  An area was secured and we got to drinking.  My first drink was a perfect Rob Roy on the rocks with a twist - Dad's drink. It was super yucky, but I drank it.  A steady stream of people I love started showing up.  An even steadier stream of beer found it's way down my throat.  A few shots decided to join the party. "To Bob!" "Yes! To Bob!" slam slam slam.

This awesome person showed up with her awesome hubbs. She said "So, a friend of mine is coming." My response "the more the merrier" and all that business.
Not long after, she said "My friend is here", so I turned around and there was this guy. I fully admit that I almost started crying to see him there, but the case of New Glarus beer he had brought me put the smile right back on my face.  I made my way around the bar, and realized that a good third of the place was my friends and family. Not to mention the dear dear friend of mine who was bar tending that night.  As I was talking to some people, another great friend showed up. There was hugging and happy bdaying and condolencing. yes, I totally know I made that word up, so shut up.

Wow, three of my favorite bloggy friends, all in one place! Four if you count Grizzled, and I totally do.  I don't really feel I had enough time or sobriety to spend with them, but the fact that they were there is so special to me.

Sure, I got wasted, and sure, I told some people some secrets I probably should not have, but I'm hiding behind my family's statement that I am 'vulnerable and prone to making bad decisions' right now.  I DO remember telling the entire bar that I got me some the night before. Why, yes, reader, you totally read that right - I got me some on my birthday. But that's a post for another day. Or, you can ask Jennifer, Z, or Brando, since I'm sure I told them the story more than once at the bar!

I received this email from eldest VonSis* the next day: 'It made me smile to see you hugging and telling every single one of your friends that you loved them last night. And I know it wasn't the booze or the cupcakes talking, you actually meant it. You told them all. That's great.'
She's right. I did hug and tell everyone that came out that night that I loved them - because I do.  I don't think (aside from our parents) we tell each other that enough.  As you all well know, my friends are incredibly important to me, and I do love them. Each and every one.
Sure, I may be vulnerable and prone to making bad decisions** right now, but I'm also living the John Mayer "Say what you need to say" mantra right now.
I hope that I continue to be honest with my feelings with everyone for a while, and that it's not just a knee-jerk reaction to losing my Dad. We'll see.  I could use a little softening around the edges.

*Officially dropping the Step sib moniker from the J5.  They're my family, and I'm going to try to keep them that way, so from now on, they'll all just be VonSis and VonBro. There are five of them, and one actual VonSis, so I'll try to be pretty clear about who's who.

**Whoever makes me a tshirt, button, wall hanging that says this phrase will be my new best friend forever.  If tshirt, I'm a 3x. I like 'em big.