Dad

Here's my Dad. 
I don't think I was there when this was taken, and I don't know when it was taken.
I know that he was in his yard, probably enjoying a hot dog and some fries with any number of his kids and grandkids.
I know he was happy when it was taken.

I love this picture.

Happy Birthday, Dad.

The reason

I won't be blogging much in June.

There's a good reason.

This Saturday, the 9th is (would have been? Was?) my Dad's birthday.  He would have been 72.
Next Sunday - my first Father's Day without my Dad.
Saturday the 23rd - My Mom's birthday, her first without my Dad.

I can barely get out of bed in the morning, much less write anything entertaining.

That whole "time makes it better" thing? Bull shit.

So I think it best to spare you my misery and just not post.  I'll be around, commenting here and there.
But I don't really feel like writing a bunch of posts about him.

I am SO glad that last year for Father's day, I did write a post about/for my Dad. I also posted it on teh FB, so he was able to read it. 
I remember I asked him if he read it.  I gave me a little half smile, and there was a questioning look in his eyes.  He said "Yep. I read it. Very nice, Von."
I wonder if he was trying to tell me something.  I feel now like he knew that I knew that something wasn't quite right, even then, in June.

So just do me a favor - that person that you love most above all others? Tell them so.

But then....

So, y'all read why I'd want to move away.
I felt that way for the better part of a week.  Then, this happened.

5/25: I met Brando and TLB for dinner and drinks.  It was a lovely evening - warm enough to sit outside (with the heaters on) and spend some time.  We had a great time.  I drove home that night thinking about how I really like those two, and I hope that we can become better friends and spend more time together.  Me being me, I had even told them that I'd like to hang out more often, and that I meant it.  They agreed.
5/26: I went to the movies with John and Toni.  John's parents joined us (a surprise to me) and I gave them great big hugs.  As I watched the previews and looked over at these people, I realized that John and Toni are more family than friends, and I wouldn't be the same without them.
5/26: I worked a show at Old Town.  It was an interesting show, something I'd likely not see anywhere else.
5/27: I went to Mars Cheese Castle with delightful God-daughter and her mom.  It was 90+ degrees out, the car had no a/c, and yet we had such a fun time.  Picking on God-daughter, making silly jokes about nothing.  I gave them both big sweaty hugs good bye and told them I loved them.  I thanked C a million times for taking me to the Cheese Castle.  She looked at me like I was crazy.  She thinks that when I need or want something, it's just on her to take care of it.
5/27: I went to a BBQ at T&C's house.  T is someone I have known for years, but we have just recently started hanging out more.  I really only know T&C, and not any of their friends.  Their friends are very interesting and nice.  Always willing to talk to the person (me) that didn't know anyone.  I was included in many conversations, and it was nice that a handful of the people that I had met once before remembered me. 

I left there realizing that there are millions of interesting people out in the world, and yes, even some in Chicago that I have yet to meet.  There are also quite a few people that, while I have broken ground on a friendship, I have not put enough time or effort in to them.  I need to work on that.

5/28: Another hot day, and a few plans in the hopper.  I cancelled all my plans. I was exhausted and my house was a mess. 
While I sat on my couch in the a/c that day, I let my mind wander over the past few days.

I had spent some time with some amazing people.  People who I care a lot about.  People who I could care a lot about.  Some new, some old, some family, some little more than acquaintances, but overall - it was the people that made the weekend, not the things I was doing.

So, if I stay here longer than I think I will, it will be the people that keep me here.

And I'm actually ok with that.

My ramble about moving away.....someday

By no means am I too stupid or too romantic to think that if I moved away (say, to Denver) that my life would change forever for the good.  I would not immediately find a husband, a great job, get out of debt, get healthier.
I know these things.

About seven years ago, I considered a move.  A big one.  I was offered a job in Florida, not long after I called off my wedding.  My parents were delighted, VonDad most of all. He offered to buy me a computer and a plane ticket home every Christmas.  Pretty sure VonMom had visions of me exercising on the beach, eating only fruits, veggies, and fresh seafood.  Either way, they were pretty pumped.  I was too. A little scared, but pretty much set on my course.
Then, VonDad got sick.  It wasn't much, not life-threatening, and I realized that this big move I had planned would take me away from here, from my family forever.  That I was making a permanent change.
I didn't sleep for weeks, and finally I called the wonderful man who had offered me the job.  I explained my position, and ultimately turned down the job.  He was so gracious about the whole thing.  He even told me that he respected me for thinking things all the way through.

I put my wanderlust and all thoughts of moving away on a shelf.

Then, VonDad passed away.

Not long after, VonMom said that she knows deep down that someday I will leave, and it will be permanent.  I told her she's probably right.  It's a known fact that I stayed here for my dad, and really no one else.

Again, I don't have stars in my eyes.  If I give it any serious thought, I get all nervous and my stomach gets all clenchy.

Then, I went to Denver, for the second time.

I know that I would be riding the coat tails of all of the things that C has already done.  His friends would become my friends, and for a while at least - his social life would be my social life.

I also know (for a fact), that I would look completely different than I do now.  I'd have purple or blue or pink hair (all of it, not just streaks that I can hide).  I'd have at least a dozen more tattoos.  I'd wear all of the fun rocker grrrl jewelry I own.  I'd get to wear my pink tights, and fun dresses.
I know all of these things because I could practically taste them when I was there. 

I've always known that I stifle all of the creative things I want to do with my appearance here.  There are very few people here who get it (who get ME, actually), that would understand that that is how I truly feel I should look, that is how I'd be most comfortable in my own skin.  My family and (many if not most of my) friends would look at me like I lost my marbles.  Certain members of my family would yell at me, and try to shame me back down to "normal".

I know that this is no one's fault by mine.  I made choices and decisions along the way in life that have brought me to where I am now.  To have the job I have, I do have to follow certain standards of dress, and this does include my hair color.  I choose to keep my tattoos coverable (for now), because I expect to get a certain level of employment, and I do feel that people are unfairly judged by things like number of earrings and tattoos in general. 
Knowing that I did this to myself, knowing that I have to stay like this for a long while still, this does not make the itch go away.  My first tattoo was 20 years ago now.  I have not, and likely never will, lose the desire to get more.  I have the next three already planned out.  I just have not had the time nor the money to go get them done.

Don't worry, dear reader - I am clearly not going anywhere any time soon.  I refuse to move away from here until I have my stupid debts paid down - if not completely then at least significantly.  I also will not move without some cash in the bank.  I'd rather not go without a job lined up.

Oh, and that's the major current hang up - believe it or not, I LOVE both of my jobs.  I really do.  My day job feels like it was made just for me, and I am so proud of all I have built up at it.  Plus, I work for the most amazing company I am likely to ever work for, and I would never throw that away.  My other job I campaigned and prayed and hoped for for longer than I care to admit.  And I have only had that job for about a year.  There is no way that I am ready to walk away from it.  I may find something similar to it, or something else in music, but I will never have these wonderful people again.

I'm not making excuses.  I'm just laying it out there, like I always do, for your reading pleasure.

I'd love to go. Someday. I don't see myself in Chicago in 10 years.  My four most likely towns are: Denver, Portland, Seattle, Boston.  These aren't in any order, and strangely I have never been to Portland or Seattle, I just have a feeling.

But, for now, dear readers, you're stuck with me.

A.D. (after Denver)

There isn't a whole lot to say about the fourth day in Denver.
We went up up up another mountain to Golden, to see Buffalo Bill's grave.
C took the scary windy way, and I got a little sick.
The end.

Ok, now I have a whole post to write about how I felt when I got home.  How I felt for almost a whole week.
For the second time in my life, I gave some very serious thought to moving away from Chicago.

------------------------to be continued-------------------------

Denver, Day 3

I woke up around 8. Then 9. Then 10.
I waited until 10:15, then hearing nothing, I went upstairs to see what C was up to.
He was up to.....sleeping.
So, I did what any good house guest would do, I jumped on him.
"Get up! Get up! Get up! Entertain me!"
He tried to throw me off, but this was not happening.

"What are we doing today?!?!"
"GF had an idea - she said we should go see the Stanley Hotel. You know, the haunted one, from The Shining."
"Yes! We should!  Is she coming with us?"
"Nooooo. She's still messed up about screwing up with you last night, and she's going to need all day to gear up to see you again later at the BBQ."

We decided to go to this hot dog joint - Uber Sausage for breakfast.  I had my first ever bison dog - it was amazing.  C had some sort of bratwurst thing.  They had homemade chips with 12 different seasoning salts you can top them with.  So delicious.

Headed up to Estes Park.  It was a lovely drive the whole way, and we did some more catching up.  I got a classy farmer's tan on my right arm.  Up up up we go, and we're there!!
Big spooky hotel.
With a haunted tour that starts in 5 minutes.
We hustle off to buy our tickets and join the group.  Our tour guide was a nerd, but a cute one, and we were excited.
"C! Let's play Ghost Hunters!"
"The whole tour?"
"YES!"
"YES!"
It was a 90 minute tour that started out a little more history than scary.  Then things changed.
On the landing of the grand staircase, I felt a creepy chill across the back of my neck and right shoulder.  A moment later the guide stated that there is no air conditioning in any common areas of the hotel.  Aaaaaand it was hot and muggy that day.  I didn't mention it to C.

On the fourth floor (the most haunted floor), we stopped as a group by a door. The guide asked for a volunteer to stand against the door.  Once in a while, when someone does that, there will be a knocking from the other side of the door.  He opened the door to show us that there was a wall behind the door that went almost to the floor - not enough room for someone to be standing on the other side to knock.  Whatever.  We rolled our eyes.  The group moved on, and I told C to stand against the door....
"bang bang bang!" and C was flying off the door.  I, of course, decided he was b.s.ing me, that he had knocked on the door.  He swore up and down that he didn't.  I still did not believe him.
A little later on the tour, we were in a long hallway and all of the sudden, C whips his head around to look behind him.  He almost spins around in a circle.  He investigates the bottom of his shirt.  I ignore him.  Not a minute later, the guide tells the story how the hallway is known for the ghosts of children running around and tugging on people's pants and shirts.  C swears this happened too.
I don't know whether or not to believe him, but it was fun either way.
After the tour we were wandering around outside, and C found a statue of a bear, laying on it's back.  This is when C straddled the bear and said "Take my picture!"  I did.  Ahhh, C, the same as always.
We mortified a couple of people with this, so we decided it was time to go.  On the way back to the car, we spotted an eagle.  I looooove birds of prey of all kinds, so I just kinda stood there, watching this gigantic thing soaring around. 

Headed back to Denver, to go to a BBQ at one of C's friend's houses.  GF is there waiting for us.  To her credit, she was (mostly) sober, and seemingly contrite.  We ended up having a blast there.  We watched the eclipse, saw some cobag staple band fliers to his head.  I counted rainbow hair colors and tattoos.  I stood next to an incredibly tall marijuana plant.  Turns out all of the people at the BBQ were in bands.  I was surprised at how well they all got along.  Not something I think I'd see here at home.  I was handed a sticker with the greatest witty band name I've ever heard on it - The Cattle Axe (say it out loud, I'll wait) - which is going on my car.
We decided to go back to C's house to have some drinks.  GF was also coming. 
Back when C called to tell me he was getting divorced, I had sent him a flask filled with the best Scotch I own - Jura single malt 16 year.  He had saved it for when we could drink it together.  He brought out that flask, a bottle of Colorado Whiskey, and some beers.  C, GF and I sat around eating really bad Denver pizza, drinking and chatting.  It was the perfect evening, actually.  Also found out that evening that GF is looking for a job, and hopes to go out of state, likely NC or ME.  NOW I think she is ok! If this "relationship" has an end date, I can deal with it a while longer.......

Denver Day 2

Then, things got a little ugly.....

C had to go to work on Saturday. This, I knew.  It was agreed that I would do whatever I wanted until he got home from work.  Which could include staying at the house and relaxing.
Since we got home around 3am, and since I drank A LOT, I decided to sleep in.
11:30, I wake up to C's ex wife SuperBitch standing over me.  Backstory - the whole reason I went to Denver was to check on C, because his wife, SuperBitch cheated on him.  They are stuck kinda sharing the house until they can sell it in November.  I hate SuperBitch for what she did to C. SuperBitch teaches piano out of the house on Saturdays.
"Um. Von? I need to know what you are going to do today. My classes end about 2:45, and I'm going to need you out of the house after that. I don't want you in the house when no one is here...."
"SuperBitch? If I wanted your shit, I'd guy buy it at Walmart and Claire's and Hot Topic.....I wouldn't bother to steal it from you...."
"I, um....:"
"Let me text C, see what's up."
I text C, he immediately calls me, then immediately calls her. I decide I don't want to deal with the drama, so I jump in the shower.  While I'm drying off, there's a knock at the door:
"**sniff sniff** Von? Can I talk to you for a minute?**blows nose**
"Well, I'm naked,but whatever...."
"No! NO, just come upstairs when you have a second...."
Grumble,sigh, fuck me....
I get dressed and head upstairs.  Pounding headache, hunger pangs and all....

For the next HOUR, SB tries to convince me that she never cheated on C.  That he was terrorizing her.  All lies and b.s.  She sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
I'll save you the details. Suffice to say, I let down the nice shield, and gave her the business.  Some of my better statements:
"You really don't know how hard it is for me to not climb over this table and beat the shit out of you, do you?"
"Friends? We were never friends. I don't do friends who are unbelievable sluts"
"Please, SB, give me a reason to hit you"
"You are a heinous bitch. The worst part is, everyone knows what you did, yet you still continue to lie about it.  This makes you pathetic."
After an hour of this, I told her I was going to go for a walk and to get something to eat. I made her promise she'd be there when I got back.  Ok, well, it went more like this "God help you if you lock me out, and C has to leave work early to come let me in...."
I went for a walk. I found Taco Bell (God loves me!!!).  I checked my phone.  C had called 9 times.  I called him back.  Apparently he had visions of me pinning SB to the floor by the throat and punching her in the face repeatedly.  I assured him that this did not happen, and would fill him in on everything later.
Got back to the house, SB was there, just standing in the middle of the living room.  I walked past her and went down to the basement.  She followed me down and said
"Well, I guess I will never see you or talk to you again..." more tears
"Yep."
She left, I slept.

Saturday evening was a whole lot of plans.  First C and I went to get something to eat, and to catch up.  I told him all of my business, he judged me, forgave me, and we moved on. 
Went to a nicer bar/restaurant for his friend's 30th birthday party.  Of course, she thought I was hilarious and awesome, and offered to take me out on Monday.  LOVED HER.
Of course, she is NOT the girl C is dating now.

Off to meet C's girlfriend.  Drama part two coming up!! Can you just feel it?!?
We went to this amazing venue called The Gothic Theater to see a band that C knows.  - They're called Nautilus, check them out -
C finds GF and walks up to her.  GF is HAMMERED and wants to make out with C.  Did I mention, GF is hammered?  She's slurring and trying to say Hi, but it's not happening.
I go to the bathroom and have a little talk with myself.  It went like this:
'Von. Calm down. You are 10 years older than this little shit.  You already had a lengthy fight with SB today.  Time to try to be nice again, m'kay?'

I walk over to the bar, where GF is leaning with her friend.  I smile and offer to buy them beers.
GF spins around to look at me, glares at me, says "Who ARE you?!?" and kinda falls over.  Her friend looks at me all 'I'm sorry!' and waves me off.
Yep. Fuck it. I'm finished.

I walk back over to C.  He says "So?"
"Well, the BAND was great!!"
"What does that mean?"
"GF, she's wasted, I'm not down.  Baaaaad first impression."
C immediately get pissed at me, says "What, she can't get drunk?"
I say fuck it, and go sit down.  I didn't figure that was the time or the place to tell him about the "beer incident"
Apparently, GF's friend decided to tell him.  He asked me why I didn't tell him.  I ignored him and drank myself silly.
Drama drama drama, GF is coherent enough to know that she messed up with me, big time.  There's tears (Von makes people cry out of state too!!), and C putting her in someone's car and sending her home.  He's now not mad at me at all, and kinda embarrassed.  We watch another band - Black Lamb look them up too - and leave.
We then went over to the bar he works at, Bender's, and I'm obsessed with that place.  The people are awesome, it's huge, and I'm pretty sure if I lived there I'd be at Bender's just about every night.
Evening saved.
1:30ish, head home, time for bed........