Forget it

Ok, let's just chalk up that other post to my sleep deprived self.
An update:
Tuesday date guy (aka likely still married guy) cancelled our date.  I received a text stating that his boss needed him to finish something up.
Um, according to his profile, HE'S the boss.  Hmmmm
Many follow up texts from him - at one point I responded - 'Shouldn't you be working?'
That stopped the texts for the night.
I woke up to several more.  One of which said something about me being mad.  I responded how I was amazed that after a week or so of only texts and emails how he could know my mood.  I stated I was not mad, that things happen.  More texts from him.
I'm still convinced he's still married.  Have not rescheduled anything yet. 

Haven't heard from Friday date to set a plan.  I sent him an email this morning letting him know I'm excited, and mentioned a couple of bars that I think would be good to meet at.  I hope he responds, but the way my week is going, I have the feeling he'll blow me off.

I'm back to expect the worst and (kinda) hope for the best. 

Sadly - One glaring life lesson came out of last night. 

I was super bummed, beyond bummed, teary actually.  I reached out to a couple of people, and announced my cancelled plans on facebook. 
Turns out I no longer have a person in my life who would drop what they were doing because I needed them.  I miss that.  Being honest - for most of the time I was friends with Laura, I had that with her.  She was the one who would come running, often without being asked, to be there for me.  I knew I would miss that, even though she hasn't been that for me in many years.

So, of my bunches and bunches of friends, last night I had no one.  Ok, not true.  RM (previously referred to here as Eldest StepSis) offered to come over and bring beer.  Selfishly, she's not the one I wanted to cry to.  So, I had one person.  

So, here I sit.  Kinda hopeful for Friday's date, kinda sure he's going to cancel or blow me off.
What was I thinking?

Looking for l o v e

Wow. Time really does fly, especially in the summer time.

I'm back to having some troubles sleeping.  I don't know why really.  I think it is affecting my ability to put finger to keyboard and write something for you.

Let's see - what's new.

I may or may not have misbehaved quite a bit last weekend.  Oh, I may have.  But, you know some things should just be left alone.

So

I'm kind of on the market.  I guess.  As in, actively seeking a man.  Like a long term husbandy kind of man.  Sure, I may be crazy, but like I said, I'm not sleeping.

So

I rejoined this website I was on a few years ago.  Things are going......okish.  I've got one first meeting tonight, and I was excited about it.  But then I did some google stalking (as all smart women should do before a first meeting), and I have a suspicion that he might be married.  His profile says he's divorced.  I've asked Shannon to also stalk, and see if she comes up with the same conclusion.  Anyway - now the conundrum is not what do I wear, but how do I figure out if he is still married, without giving my stalking away?  Stay tuned.

I was supposed to have another first meeting tomorrow night.  I found myself having to talk myself in to going on that one, so I thought about it and decided to cancel.  Wanting to keep on the right side of karma, I sent as lovely and nice an email as I could.  I pretty much said that I was looking for a serious long term thing, and him being separated and not divorced did not put us on the same page.  Points to me for not mentioning that he is two inches shorter than me, unemployed, and waaaaay too schmoopy from the outset.  It was a win when I got a very nice response letting me know that he understood, and said if I change my mind, I can contact him.

I have another tentative first meeting scheduled for Friday.  Now THIS one I am pretty hopeful about.  Only a couple years older than me, very tall, very cute. We've had some nice online chats.  During a chat he said he'd like to take me out.  We settled on this Friday night for drinks.  I bite my fingernails in anticipation of the solidifying of the plans.  I really really hope this one happens.  I have a good feeling about him.  Of course, me being me, when he asked me if I wanted to go out, I said "Sure.  Are you married or a serial killer?"  His response was "Well, yes. I am a married serial killer who lives in my mom's basement"  My response? "Perfect."  See, he can roll.

So, here's hoping something awesome this way comes.  I'm ready, I think, to let go of all of the misbehaving go nowhere things, and maybe be a grownup.  Or at least, a lady.

Yeah, I can't read that last sentence without laughing either.

I guess maybe I am.....

People often like to tell me that I am the busiest person they know.
Like I don't already know that.
Because I am one of the busiest people in the universe.

Part of that is because I have a job that I love that pays the bills, AND I have another job that I love that I do strictly out of love.

Last weekend was 75% about that job.  Friday and Sunday I had the honor of working the first ever Square Roots Festival in Lincoln Square.  Something something craft beers, something something local restaurants, something something wares and trinkets.....for me it was all about the music. 

Sunday, I worked the merch.  Ahem, for you non-musical folks, I looked after the artist merchandise.  I met many lovely people.

Friday night, I was stage manager for one of our outdoor stages (we had four stages total, that's how we roll at the OTSFM).  I had the pleasure of working with Garland Jeffries and his band, as well as the Hoyle Brothers. 

Here's a picture of Garland and his band, from my vantage point:

The other 25% of my weekend? Rocking the F out at Mayhem Fest with two of my awesome friends.  There was Anthrax, there was Motorhead, and there was SLAYER.  We left before Slipknot.  

So, I guess it's true - I am busier than anyone I know, but I am having one hell of a kick ass time.....

Fridge Note:

Quick apology to all of you,

Sorry for being so far on the defense last week that I wound up on the offense.

So, for that I apologize

Thankfully some of you like me enough to call me out on my shenanigans.

Thanking the Big Guy

**Pre post statement - I really couldn't care less your thoughts on God, so please, don't post them in the comments, m'kay? **

So, last night - I came very very close to being a gigantic moron.
Or, I WAS a gigantic moron last night, and missed very bad things by the skin of my teeth.

I was driving home from dinner with friends around 9:30ish.  It was pouring rain - lots of thunder, lightning, wind, etc.
I decided I wanted to call my friend.  Well, my phone was being stupid, so I spent a good amount of time trying to call my friend and not watching the road.

I looked up, and all of the cars in front of me were stopped and they were CLOSE.
I slammed on the brakes, hydro-planed, tensed up my whole body for the pending collision.

That never happened.

Somehow, I was able to stop my car mere inches from the car in front of me, and the car behind me was able to swerver off to the right to avoid hitting me.

What should have been a four car mash up was a big old scary nothing.

I have zero explanation for this other than divine intervention.  For real.

I am equally ashamed and grateful.  I can't believe I was so very careless.

I'm never touching my cell phone again when I'm driving.  Never.

My entire upper body aches today, I'm guessing it's due to the mega-tensing up bracing I did.

So, stay smarter than me, and stay uninjured.

Fridge Note:

I appreciate all of your concern on the last post.
BUT
You all kinda missed the point.
And I feel, maybe, it was intentional?

Fat not a comfortable topic?


Anyway - thanks again for your concern.  Message received.

Just this once

I know that a while ago I stated on this here blog that I would not be using this medium as a way to talk about  HAES and body positive views.
And I meant it.
I'm still not going to do that. 
This blog is a mis-anthropic, no set topic, humor blog.
Or, the ramblings of a crazy angry me.

Anyway.

I'm just writing this post to vent, because this happened last night and it's still on my mind.

I was driving home from the train station to my house.  I drive down a side street with many stop signs.  One of the stop signs is a part of a four way stop, and the cross street is a major "busy" street.
I'm pretty aware at this intersection, because the cars on the busier cross street treat their stop sign as a suggestion rather than something they have to do.

Did I mention, I'm a pretty aggressive driver in general? Well, I am.....anyway.....

So, I pull to my stop sign as Car on the right is stopping and now going. SO, it's MY turn.
Second car on the right doesn't care, and he's going to go.  Well, I don't give a shit, I'm already heading across the intersection, and I have the right of way, and I'm not stopping.
He inches up, I keep going, our game of chicken ends with me going (inches from his front bumper) and me, showing him the middle finger of my pretty new manicure.

He turns and follows me to the red light.
He gets in the non-lane next to me, and starts yelling.
I yell back.
We argue for a bit (Ok, I know this is not a good idea, he may have a weapon and I get that, but I was pissed).
All of my statements were profanity free and statements of fact.
He was running out of argument - so he went for my jugular:
"Don't be made because you a fat bitch. Don't be mad cuz you just fat."
My response:
"I'm mad because you are an asshole who doesn't know how to drive"
"Fatty fat bitch. Fat......"
He then rolls up his window and peals away with an extremely illegal right turn.

Um, I'm pretty sure he's patting himself on the back for "winning" that argument.

What bothers me is this:
The way strangers - either in a confrontation, or just because they feel like it - like to use the word FAT at me as an insult, a put down, something awful.
My head is not in the clouds, yes, I am fat - it's a statement of fact, much like I am blond, I am smart, I am adorable and well liked.  I am fat is just a part of who I am.

I'm mad because he thought, as do many strangers, that calling me fat makes the whole thing an automatic win.  They are proud that they said it.

I'm tired of it.  I think what bothers the haters most of all is that I am not only fat, but fat and self-confident (90% of the time), fat and having a great time, fat and has lots of friends, fat and has an interesting fucking life.  Apparently I can have none of these good things, because to them the only thing they see is F A T.

I spend a lot of time reminding the people in my life that they have Value - not only to me, but to others (so many uncountable others) and should therefore value themselves.  This one stupid incident is going to make me work twice as hard to remind myself that I too have value.

So, dear readers - you may be tall, short, fat, thin, black, blue, blond, brunette, stupid, smart, shy, etc, but I value you.
Thank God my fingers aren't too damn fat for me to type with.