Well, I'm back

I'd been tossing around the idea of bringing this monster back.  Who still reads blogs? Who would read/find/care about this one?

Then, 2/4/14 happened. To me. 
I got laid off in a national news mass layoff from the place I thought I was going to retire from.

Now, I need an outlet. Somewhere to throw things, and rant and rave.  Apparently, the gainfully employed really don't give a shit about their unemployed friends.  I don't mean to offend, it's not my intent.  I'm just getting the feeling that some of my friends are tired of hearing about my troubles. 
And, if I have to hear "You'll find something way better soon! You'll see!", I might punch a bitch.

So.

Here goes.

I've been working full time for over 20 years.  College was not my thing, and I jumped into the working world early.  I was 19 when I got my first full time job.  Each job I got after that was easy to get. When I was ready, or needed a change, I looked for a job and took whichever one best met my needs at the time.  I have never been fired, downsized, laid off until this year. 
I'm such a good worker bee that I am still friends with people from every job I have had.  Every. Single. One. 

When I finally had the stones to leave a job I loved, but was stagnating in, after 10 years, I jumped for joy when I got the job of my dreams - in advertising, for an amazing and popular major publishing company.  Sure, the industry is going in the tank, but I was confident that I was working for the first, best and likely will be the last one standing.

The older (and wiser?) I've gotten, I've learned to really appreciate what I had.  I'm single, no kids, no man, my work was what defined me.  If I was awesome at work, I was awesome.
Every night that I prayed, I thanked God for the job that I loved.  I was grateful to be there, and I asked God to let me continue to be there, or at least let me leave on my terms.  Aside from some awful, sub-human "co-workers" (to be fully explained in future posts), I was so very happy and never complained.  I had great hours, amazing benefits.  I admired my boss, respected my superiors, and genuinely cared for my team mates.  I could not have been in a better place.  My whole life was perfect.


For the first time in my working life - I was so very confident that I was safe for this round of layoffs.  I was so busy! I was so involved! I was well liked! I was totally necessary!

Nope.

I will never again be cocky or feel safe, and that's a sucky way to live, but I'm just being honest.  My confidence is shattered, my mood is numb at best and super scary dark when I can't control it.
Hence, the rebirth of VFN. 

I think that every post I write will be about this current sucky phase in my life.  Because if I don't get it out of my head, I'm worried ....... well, I'll just say I'm worried.

Totally not a cry for help - my family is so close to locking me up in a padded room.  They keep an eye on me waaaay more than I think is necessary. 

I know this is a  ramble, and I do apologize.  I am pretty rusty, and hope to have better structured posts in the near future.

Thanks for reading. V

So, Goodbye for now

I've thought about this a lot. 
I didn't sleep much last night, weighing the pros and cons, making a list, all of the things a person is supposed to do before making a decision.

Here is the end of this blog.

I almost wish I hadn't named it to include my name, because in a way, it feels like the end of me.

But I know that it's not.

I had the best intentions.  Ok, maybe not the best, but pretty good ones.  I wanted to write, to practice writing, to become a part of something.

I know this was a blog about nothing.  I know it was an angry rant, most times. 
Please know - while it was me, all of me, I'm not always that person.  I enhanced some tales for entertainment value, stretched the truth to get the laugh. 
I have feelings - I get hurt.  I have super happy silly days and some not so much. 


I am sorry this past year has been pretty crappy over here.  I've written a few posts that were more for me, to get my feelings out of my head and onto something I can go back and re-read - I've always had a bad memory.

I hope to still be around, I'm going back to just commenting.  I think I'm better at that anyway.  Turns out I can't do this. 

So, I'm sorry to everyone for everything.

To all of you

Even I thought I'd have written something sooner than now.

I am shocked and embarrassed to see how many days into November it is, and not a word from me.

Ideas have come and gone and been developed and discarded.

I'm afraid for this blogging thing. 

I'm afraid that I can't keep it up, and for no good solid reasons.

I'm afraid that my "community" is also flailing a little too.

I never realized before how much I actually (real life) like you people, until now - until I think that I'm losing you. Most of you. Some of you.

I've come to miss the actual emails and phone calls and texts and visits and developing friendships that used to happen.

I miss the catty chats on teh FB that I would have with some of you ladies, usually riling me up to start something with other ladies we don't like very much.

I hadn't really appreciated what I had here, until my Dad passed away.  That day, the third person I called (of all of the many many people in my life) was one of you.  And through her, this community rallied around me and showed me so much love and compassion and kindness - so much more than I probably even deserved. 

Up to that day, I thought I was a small time jester in a very large, much smarter court.

So today - no snark, no bitchiness, none of that -

I miss you - all of you.  I hold on to my friends as tightly as I can, because I feel if someone is in my life, they are valuable to me and I need to hang on to them, because they add to my value.  I feel I am losing this community, and I really don't want that.

So help me hold on somehow.

365

Good days and bad days.
Long days and short days.
Meh days, blah days, and just one of those days days.
Brilliant days and rainy days.
Quiet days and raucous days.
Full days and half days.
Holidays and birthdays.
Some days and those days.
Musical days and reflective days.
Stressful days and silly days.
Save for a rainy day days and expensive days.
Family days and friend days.
Work days and Sundays.
365 of these, all of these.
Each one of them less than, missing something, a little less bright.

I miss you, Dad, every day.

A break

I want to be honest with you all, so I'll just lay it out here.

I'm having a really hard time with October - and that's why I haven't been around.
I don't think you want to hear about my melancholy, my wanting October to both speed up and get the fuck over, and to slow down, because I do not want 10/23 to come.

I can not believe it has been nearly a year since my Dad passed away.

I don't want to write about it or him, not yet.

So, I just do not write at all.

It's not that I don't have other things to say - I do, sometimes - it's just that I don't really feel like it.

Things are just, you know, fine.  Like FINE in a fucked up insecure neurotic and emotional kind of fine. 

Work - fine
Dating life - meh, fine
Family - fine
Other work - fine

See - you don't even want me to write right now.

So, unless something super magical or inspiring, or God forbid really awful happens, I'm taking October off.  

I'm sorry, I never wanted to be this kind of blogger, but that's how it is right now.

Mini catch up

Headed to Connecticut last week for a big work meeting. 

American Airlines?  You and I are FINISHED. 
Flight out of O'Hare on Wednesday morning at 6:40.  Everyone gets on the plane, all things are stowed and all people are seated.
And the plane breaks or something.
Everyone, off the plane.

I get on the phone with my company's travel service, who are always so awesome. 
"Sure, Von, we will get you on the next flight!! It leave in 20 minutes and you have to go about 3,000 miles across the airport to get there! Have a nice day!"
Not her fault - she didn't know I was in heels and lugging massive barely carry on-ables. 
I get to the gate (barely), give up my luggage, and throw myself into the last seat on the plane. 
Of course, I caused upheaval in CT.  My pickup car had to be rescheduled, but no one knew which flight I was on, so ooops.
I arrived in CT about two hours past when I was supposed to.  Ooops.

Heading home, not much different - almost worse.  Our meetings ended earlier than expected on Friday, so we headed to the airports two hours earlier than we had planned.  I decided to see if I could change my 8:40 pm flight home.  I waited in line for about an hour, and finally put on my best face and headed to the counter.
"8:40? That flight was cancelled....."
best face gone.....
"But this is good because I can put you on any other flight I want."
Of course, there was a flight leaving in about 30 minutes.
I get to the gate (barely), give up my luggage (again) and throw myself into the last seat on the plane (hello, old friend).
Only to sit on the runway for about an hour.

The Big Work Meetings were actually pretty good, for me.  I'm going to have a new position with new responsibilities and a new team and a new boss as of 11/1.  This means I get to keep my job here (YAY) and learn things and work on my career growth.  This is a very good thing.  There's not much I love more than my jobs.

I'd love to tell you more, but it'll have to wait.  Lots of secrecy and such.

Other than that -
I am super pissed about things on the home front. 
I am still kinda dating a couple of dudes. 
I'm tired.  Very tired.

Best feeling ever!

Wow.

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted.
I'd apologize for that, but no.  I haven't had anything decent to write about, and I didn't want to bore you.
I didn't realize, however, that it had been almost a month.
For that, I suck.

Anyway.

MAN DO I HAVE A POST FOR YOU TODAY!!!!

For those of you who have read this blog from the beginning, you know that I have "the one that got away", and sometimes I write posts about him.  And I sigh and I tear up and I pine.
So, for this story, let's call him GA (GotAway, got it?!?)

Yesterday, I went to my new super fun bar where I play fantasy football.  For no reason at all I decided to look super cute.  Jeans that fit, no saggy butt, a very cute Bears tshirt (vneck, cleavage), did my hair - I looked kinda adorable.
I was very early, I wanted to get a good seat for the game.  I was sitting by myself playing with my phone when a couple walked in.  They stopped right in front of where I was sitting, and had their backs to me. 
"Hi, GA. Hi DirtyWhoreWhoStoleHimFromMe"  calm as all get out.
They turn around - "Oh! HI Von!"
They asked if they could sit by us, I had to say no, I was saving seats for fellow fantasy players.

Admittedly - at first I FREAKED OUT.  I was so irate they were there.  I started drinking a lot more quickly than I had planned.  I texted everyone I could think of who would understand the importance of the crisis of GA AND his lady being there.

My FF friends showed up and I decided just to let it all go and have a good time with the people I was there with.  GA and LF (lady friend, I guess. I can think of other things that start with L and F, but I digress)  were sitting far enough away, yet within my line of sight so I could keep an eye on them.   Looked like I wasn't the only one who was pounding the drinks.....

By the middle of the first quarter, GA started hugging me everytime he was near me.  I expected sparks and stars, and got neither. 
Around the middle of the second quarter, GA asked me if I was staying for the whole game.  I gave him the blank stare - of course I was staying.  He asked me to do a shot with him in honor of our friend who had passed away, and also for VonDad.  I agreed to that.

Half time rolls around, and I have to go in the other room to play our FF league game of Bozo buckets.  Good times.  I walk back over to the other side, and there's four shots of Jaeger lined up on the bar.  Four? I wonder? 
GA tells me to go get "my friend"
"Um.....(I look around) Which one?"  Not being a bitch, here, just really have no clue who he's referring to...
Light bulb goes off, I go get Pete, my 24 year old league Commish. 
He comes and does the shot.  LF gets mad because GA does not clink his shot glass against hers, so she refuses to drink it......mmm hmmm, that happened.
So, LF orders two more shots.  Apparently "my friend" is off the hook for GA's flub, and now the three of us are going to do another shot.
OK FINE.  GA makes sure to clink glasses with LF, while keeping his other hand around my back.
I say thanks and move off to my people.  I can tell LF is getting drunk, and I know better than to hang around that hot mess too long.....

Third quarter, and I am showing some of the FF folks my most recent tattoo.  GA walks over and looks at it too.  He says "I still have mine"
"Ok"
His?  MY INITIALS, above a broken heart, quite large, on his arm.  I'm SURE that LF likes seeing that when they get naked together.......
This should have sent some sort of flutter across my heart place.
GA walks away.

The room gets very bright.  A choir of angels starts singing.  I have the greatest moment of clarity in my life.
I AM NO LONGER IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN!!!
The 14 years of what ifs and pining and love songs and unrequited whatever? All B.S.!!!
The fantasy, turns out, is leaps and bounds better than the reality!!!
He's......used up.  And.....not that attractive anymore - I don't see Dennis Quaid in him AT ALL anymore!  He looks pretty unhappy. 
A 14 year weight lifted off my heart,then my shoulders, then my brain!!
WHAT WAS I THINKING??!?

I realized in that moment that the years I had with him - the intense ones of black leather jackets, a 69 Mustang, the letters and love songs and fighting and making up and midnights showing up at my house and me sneaking out to meet him and lying in the grass looking at the stars and knowing I loved him and he loved me the best that he knew how - those were his best years.  And I had them. 
What/who he is now?  I don't want that.  And I certainly do not NEED that.

I started smiling.  Making jokes with complete strangers.  Have a great time.
Middle to end of the fourth quarter, I noticed LF was shooting death stares my way.  GA and LF seemed to be bickering.  Uh oh - I knew this was not going to bode well for me.
Bears win!! I hang around about 10 minutes more. 
More death stares from LF.
This is my cue.
I say good bye to my FF friends, and promise to see them next time.  I say good bye to GA.  So much more meaning behing my "Good bye!!"  He hugs me (900th time of the day) and reminds me to say good bye to LF.
I lean over and say "Good bye, LF"
She responds: "Im gonna move to Alllllasha."
"Alaska?"
"Imma mooove to Allasha so you two canbetogether....."
I laugh - my real, genuine, I feel it in my bones laugh "Ok, LF. See you."
GA hugs me AGAIN (this is not shocking to you, at this point I'm sure."
I smile at him.
I grab my things.
I go home.
I fall asleep smiling, and guess what?
I wake up this morning, smiling. 
I'm smiling so much, I look like I have the best secret in the world. 
And who's smiling back? EVERYONE.