Monday, March 28, 2011

Fun at the Dentist

Oh, but I wish I was kidding. So, I had to get a mouth guard. Because, you see, I clench my teeth at night, thus causing some damage. Who, me? Clenching my teeth, much like my fists, even while I sleep? Anyway. Went to the dentist to pick up my new $175 piece of plastic. We spent some time practicing the art of shoving in the thing and yanking it off. shoving and yanking, shoving and yanking, yep - insert dirty joke here..... Dentist: Do you have a dog? **giggle from Basia, dental assistant** Me: No. Well, not right now, I want one, so I think we'll get one soon but..... -thinking we're making conversation or something- D: Do NOT get a dog within the next month! -as he's holding my expensive piece of plastic up in the air - M: ? **giggles from Basia** D: Basia? What number mouth guard are you on? B: Number three!! Don't throw them in the washing machine.... D: No dogs! B: No dogs! D: So. Over the next month or so, you will wake up in the middle of the night, yank this thing out and throw it all over the place. The floor, the closet, behind the bed, under the night stand, trust me. You WILL wake up and throw it around. Dogs like to eat them when they find them lying around. Me: *Scoff* That's not going to happen to me! Look how hard it is to yank out! D: Uh huh - sure Von. Go, be free. Let me know how it goes. I leave. I scoff. I go to bed that night. Mouth guard very snugly in place. I wake up about 5:30 am, head to the bathroom. Sleepy. On my way back to bed, I realize that it's not in my face! Ah!! Get back to my room, see costlyplastic thing on my nightstand. Sometime during the night, I took yanked it out, and placed it lovingly on my nightstand. No clue. No recollection. None whatsoever. I'm on night four of this stupid thing. Lasted until 3am with it last night. **Fucking side note: This fucking post does not read right, because fucking blogger keeps changing how I want it to read!! So, fuck you blogger, thanks for fucking up my post. Sorry, reader(s), that it reads really shittily, but blogger thinks this is how it should read. fucking fuck fuck***

13 comments:

Jennifer said...

Join the night guard crowd!!

Here's another not to do... don't let your dental assistant permanantly "adjust" the guard while you're wearing a temporary crown... when you get the new crown, the one that is shaped like the tooth that used to fit into that night guard, it won't fit... and of course, will not be their problem.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Because, you see, I clench my teeth at night, thus causing some damage.

I got that, but I never got a mouth guard...
~

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

I got that, but I never got a mouth guard...

You just stopped buying the New York Times?

Another Kiwi said...

I had a flatmate who used to grind his teeth in his sleep. His room was next to mine and it sounded like a large termite trying to eat the fecking wall down. I think he would have swallowed a mouthguard so probably it was a good idea for him not to have one.
Blooger can drive one quite doo lally, indeed.

Von said...

AK - this term, doo lally, can I borrow it? Because I LOVE it.

Kathleen said...

as long as your not blogging about your mouthguard in your sleep, you're ok

Doo Lally said...

You seem to be using my name in some sort of pejorative fashion.

I DO wish you'd bloody stop it!

Another Kiwi said...

It is yours to use as you wish, Von. Do not believe the usurper!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

**Fucking ....fuck***

You have learned well, grasshopper, and may now assume the mantle of FYF author.

Snag said...

I would have sold you my old mouthguard for a very reasonable price.

Von said...

Snag just made me spit tea alllll over my keyboard.
ZRM - I am honored. And I just might take you up on that.

Jennifer said...

Von- apparently they have a night guard for boobs now...

Smut Clyde said...

Bruxism is more than just a fondness for Belgian beers.
Now I envisage Von wearing a muzzle.