Friday, February 10, 2012

Vonfessions Friday

Why, yes, I DO think I'm cool enough to replace pretty much as much as I can with "von".

Happy Friday.

Here's some confessions for you. You may laugh, you may cringe, you may remain unmoved.  It's all the same to me.

  • When I first got a car, I wanted the blue plastic dolphin thing hanging from my rear view mirror. Instead, I had a mini disco ball.  Now, I have a devil made out of string. His name is Henry.
  • I nap. As much as possible. Recently, I have been known to nap on a week night from 6 -8 ish, and go to bed around 10.
  • I know for a fact that I burn my candle at both ends.  This has a great deal to do with two things VonDad said before he passed - 1) Don't piss your life away. check  2) Von has a pretty cool and interesting life, all of those things she does. check (#2 was said to VonMom just a few days before he died. It's likely the last thing he said about me. I can find comfort in that)
  • I love love songs.  More than any other kind of song.  Ice cold bitch on the outside, smooshy romantic inside my earbuds.
  • I cannot pronounce the word neighborhood properly.  And this is only in the past few years.  This is important in Chicago, because upon meeting anyone new, the first question is always "What neighborhood do you live in?"  I pronounce it Nay BAA hood.  I have not been able to correct this. I try.
  • I choose to pronounce two words cutely, because it sounds cute, and therefor makes the words better and me cuter.  The words are buttons and mittens.  I very clearly state but-tons and mit-tens.
  • I pass gas every morning when I get out of bed. Every morning.  This may be one reason why I don't let my "friends" spend the night.
  • I'm in love with someone. Someone who is pretty much unattainable.  Hence I continue to make bad decisions in the man department, because I'm trying to forget him.  It doesn't work.
  • I've had a song written for me (with no lyrics....I was pissed) and there exists a not small tattoo on someone's arm with my initials over a broken heart.
  • I have an entire medicine cabinet full of nail polish. It's almost an investment, at this point.
  • I will never EVER never start a post with this "In which....:" it's like nails on a fucking chalk board to me. Freddy Krueger nails on a fucking chalk board. 
  • I have an irrational fear of lions, and a very rational fear of raccoons.  Both are out to get me. Only me.  The rest of you are totally safe.  It's so bad I cannot go to the zoo. I just know the lions will know I'm there and bust out and eat me.


fish said...

I pronounce it Nay BAA hood.

My New England roots would like to point out that this is, in fact, the proper pronunciation and everyone else can suck it.

Mendacious D said...

His name is Henry.

This doesn't surprise me, for some reason.

Also there's a neighbourhood in Vancouver I apparently mispronounce, according to people who didn't grow up here. You can imagine my reaction most of the time.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

fuck lions.

What you SHOULD be afraid of is squirrels.

Michael said...

Yes. Damn the squirrels!
Also, it's pronounced "Where did you grow up?" or "What parish was that?"

Jennifer said...

Lions? Really?

Jennifer said...

They're just big kih-Tens. :)

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I pronounce it Nay BAA hood.


- Mister Ed

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Yes. Damn the squirrels!

did they try to eat your house too?

bushy tailed nut-cracking motherfuckers.

Jennifer said...

It wasn't personal, ZRM. Or maybe it was. Perhaps they noted that your house was full of nuts, and they were merely trying to chew through the shell.


Lauren said...


I have, like, a hojillion posts on my blog that start with "In Which..."

/hangs head in shame

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

I've had a song written for me (with no lyrics....I was pissed)

You know, we could fix that...

VON!!! Oh, yeah!!
What side you on? Oh yeah!!
Did you watch Tron, Von?
While eating bon bons? OH YEAH!!!

Uh, I could go on, Von.

mikey said...

• In the 80s I was stuck on rotaries. I drove a number of ridiculous Mazdas. All with a stuffed puppy dog on the dashboard.

• I love lyrics. I first loved Roger Clyne when I actually listened to the words to "Broken Record".

• I have a lisp. Oddly, very few people have felt the need to call me on it.

• I always say "last night" as if it was pronounced "lost night". It amuses me and bothers others. I also pronounce "Can't" "Cain't". Used to piss my mom off for DAYS.

• I fart regularly through the night. It is one of life's small pleasures.

• I am also in love with someone unattainable. She knows it, and for whatever it's worth, loves me too. We had an affair that blew up like a North Korean Nuke, now we're friends. It's really just a question who dies first - her husband or me.

• I wrote most of the lyrics to Sammy Hagar's "Burn in Hell". But nobody was paying attention, and I didn't end up getting credit.

• Here's the big one. I hate and fear dogs. I often want to shoot the big ones preemptively. Most of them don't bite me, but I remain skeptical of their intentions...

blue girl said...

I cannot pronounce particularly.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I am too optimistic for my own good.

Kathleen said...

lyrics are overrated

Brando said...

I hope the Von instrumental was played on a Flying V guitar.