Is this thing on?

Wow, over four years. JUST over four years since my last post.

Why am I here today?

I'm tossing around the idea of writing some short stories to maybe compile around the story I wrote in my last post. I dream about that post, I think it's some of my best writing ever. 

So I came here to grab it and put it somewhere else.

I began to look at a couple of previous posts. Some made me feel really bad. Others made me roll my eyes at my own ness.  I took the one titled The Other Side of the Story and sent the whole thing to my very best friend who it was written about.

I stopped looking at posts, and decided to just start typing.

Will this be a thing? Maybe.

Will I use it as a testing ground for more stories like Ferris Wheel? Maybe.

Will / Does anyone read it? Or any blogs anymore? I have no idea.

But I do know that I am not journaling like I want to be, I'm not being creative in any way right now. Well, not exactly true - After binge watching The Great, I took up embroidery which vexes me but I do enjoy it. (I also picked up the habit of saying "Indeed!" with conviction much like the young Fanning does when being Catherine the Great. No one gets, it it's not Great). 

So a quick dip of the toe into the world of the b l o g for tonight.

Feels good. Shaking the rust off. May be only talking to myself, but that's ok too.

Ferris Wheel

It was July, maybe August.  One of those most perfect nights, warm with just the whisper of a breeze.  He picked her up on time.  He wouldn't tell her where they were going, but things had been pretty good recently so she sat back and trusted him.  Oh, that car.  1968, or was it a '69 blue Mustang.  It was a rough little thing, but they both loved that car. He even taught her how to drive in it.  Don't put your foot there, it's kinda a hole.  Don't rest your hand on the handle, it might fall off.

That night, the car was in as good of a mood as he was.  She rolled down the window and stuck her hand out, like it was riding a wave.  Of course, both were smoking cigarettes and singing along to the tape deck, or whatever was on the radio.  They both loved to sing in the car, they both loved music.  Once, he even wrote her a song.  It didn't have any words when he played it for her, turns out it never would.  But he had done it without her ever asking.  It was one of the greatest gifts he'd ever given her.

They weren't talking very much, but his right arm was casually draped over her seat back - the comfortable pose and silence of a couple who'd been together a long time.  It was a long drive, they headed out to some suburb.

When he finally parked, she was equal parts confused and delighted.  A carnival?  Really?  Just the two of them?  She didn't want to piss him off, so she didn't say anything.  They walked through the crowds and took it all in.  They didn't give a thought to how they looked - a couple of metal heads smoking and strolling through the grounds.  

Eventually, they ended up on the Ferris Wheel.  She hadn't been on one in probably five or six years.  It was one of those that the guy operating it would let you sit for a few seconds at the top.  She breathed it all in, the deisel fuel, the smokiness of themselves, the cologne she'd bought for him, popcorn, funnel cakes.  She looked at all of the lights below and said "This. This is the perfect night, and I want all nights to be this night."  He looked at her, a little like he was going to make some smart remark.  He looked away, and then back at her.  He touched her hand so she'd look at him. "I love you", he said "You DO know that, don't you?  I love you."  She looked back at him and kissed him.  It was a great kiss, one for the romance novels.  Plus, she kissed him -the ice queen was not really one to kiss first.  He kissed her back, and by falling in to the kiss, he knew that she knew.

This is what she thinks about now, 20 years later.  That she should have told him that she loved him too.  She thinks about how she only really said it to end an arguement or a conversation.  To prove a point.  To almost brag in front of her less lucky friends "I have a boyfriend and I love him!"  She doesn't think about all of the awful fights, the hurt feelings, the tears, the letters of regret. She tries to never think about the very last time that it was over for good.

As her life would have it, she still sees him from time to time, or someone from his family.  Every time she sees him, though, she's back on that Ferris Wheel, because life, it goes round and round and round, but it always brings her back down to the ground.  If only she could have that moment back "stuck" at the top, with someone who truly loved her, and wanted her to know only that.  She wants that moment back to tell him that she loves him too.  She loved him then.  She truly knows that she loves him now. She likely always will. 

The whole truth on this one subject

Once upon a blog, I wrote a post about/to someone.
In hindsight, it was a shitty thing to do.  I used a public forum to say something to someone that even then, I knew I didn't mean it.

This week's contemplation:  Let's be honest; with ourselves - starting and finishing with ME.
(As Jennifer said, you do you. I'm not judging anyone else.)*

I'm not bringing this up to rehash a bad thing I did, or to get people to read old posts,
I'm writing about it because there have been some recent developments that I am hopeful about and I want to write about it.

In a nutshell, back then I wrote a good bye forever post to my best friend.
I thought I was closing that chapter with that post. I thought 'Get it out of my system and move on! Life is great! You don't need her!'

It didn't take long for me to realize that I do need her. I wasn't going to be able to "move on". Life isn't always great.  One thing I also didn't realize was that in cutting her out, I was cutting out her family, who I adored. Truly, I actually keened at her father's wake. I loved him almost as much as I loved my own Dad. Her family is huge, and loving and fun and kind and fabulous.  They were my family, too.

The first year, I still harbored bad feelings, and didn't think much about her at all.
The second year, I started having dreams about her all the time.  Some were she was in trouble, and I had to rescue her, some were the reverse.  Some were we were friends again like nothing had ever happened, other were me begging her to be my friend again and her saying No.  I will honestly state that these dreams are still going on, most recently last night. It's been four years of at least three dreams about her a week.

So clearly, I started having regrets.  She had blocked me on Facebook, and her family had unfriended me. I was cut off. I knew nothing of her life, or very little - what I could get out of mutual friends, which wasn't much.

Flash forward to about a month ago.

The Girl Scout troop that we had met in was having it's final GS Saturday at the church where we attended meetings.  There was a secret group page inviting all of us alums to attend to surprise the leader.  My first thought - "Maybe SHE will be there!"  I checked the RSVPs on the page, and sure enough - there were 15 Yes RSVPs, of which I could only see 14 of.
In the It'sASmallWorld life of mine, two of my nieces are in that troop, and my sister is a volunteer with them. I asked her to check the rsvps - and sure enough - L was going!
I was super excited. I immediately began writing her a letter. I followed the lead of John Mayer - Say what you need to say. It's true, this could be my last chance.  So if I could get her to take and read the whole letter, she'll at least know how I feel!

Then, I checked my schedule. Sigh. Of course, I cannot attend the event.  I had previously scheduled myself for a show at Old Town, and we have many new rules for head volunteering, a few of which I'd be breaking if I canceled on this show.

A few days later, I was randomly grocery shopping on a Monday night - something I never ever do. I get my cart and start my way into the produce section, and immediately spot L's cousin, A. I basically run to her, tears all in my eyes. Big hugs.  Long conversation. A is 10 years younger than me, so I had been in her life for as long as should could remember, until the last five years.  A filled me in on her life, her sister's life, the cousins lives, and a bit of L's life.  I told her the truth - how much I missed L, how much I feel like there is a chunk of me missing. Tears again.  I told her about the letter. A said "Oh, we are going to get her that letter." We exchanged phone #s.  A told me I had always been part of the family to her also, and she had missed me.

So- I called my sister - "Would you be comfortable giving a letter to L for me at the GS thing?" "Sure"
Dropped the letter off (all eight pages of it) the day before the event.  Worried on it over night.
Sister calls the next day. L didn't make it to the even either.
I got the letter back the next day. I texted A and asked her to get me an address for L.

I sat on things for a few days.  Reminded myself, if I don't send this now, I may never have another chance, or the nerve, or whatever.  I sent it via FedEx.  I figured I'd find some comfort in knowing that she got it, at least, even if I never heard from her. I let A know that the letter was sent, in case she got some sort of flack. I was so worried that L wouldn't read it.  If she disliked, even hated, me as much as I thought she did when we parted ways, it was possible that she was better off without me, and didn't want to re-connect.  She may just tear it up.

I got a notice on Monday that the letter was delivered.  Not three hours later, I got a very very long text from L.  Tears again.

It sounds like she's been missing me as much as I've been missing her. She's very very busy, with her job, three kids, house, boyfriend etc, but we are working on finding time to speak.  We were planning on an initial phone call, but she realized that it would be an at least 2 hour call, so now we are looking to plan a lunch or dinner.   She's accepted my written apologies, and has asked for my forgiveness as well.  There's nothing to forgive.  I'm learning. I'm learning that what's past is past, and it does no good to dredge it up, wallow in it.  I have a million things I regret from my past.  All I keep coming back to is the past five years, and how the best of my oldest jokes are not understood, much less appreciated.  When something major happens, I want to tell her first. I want her to know all of the things.  I want her to know Erica and Robert my newest niece and nephew, who didn't even exist when we parted ways.  I want to know her two youngest, who don't know that I exist.

I want it back. All of it, even the bad.  I don't think we'll never ever bicker or fight. I don't think it's smooth sailing from here to forever.  I do think that somethings matter way more than others.  That I will do everything I can to build a NEW better grown up friendship based on all of the best parts of our previous 20 years.
Because she is my memory. She is the other half of my brain. She is my conscious and my calming inner voice.  She is my co-chef when making lasagna, she is the only person I can make a perfect batch of chocolate chip cookies with. She is my friend. She is my family.

I was lucky when the very same GS leader previously mentioned told L "Don't go by Vonnie. Don't be friends with her, she's trouble." L ignored her, and walked right up to me and said hi. I was too young to know then, but I sure know now, you don't let that kind of friend go. Ever.







*Maybe a trend in the renewal of this blog? A kinder, gentler Vonnie? I hope so. I'm trying.

And on the flip side of that -

People should really stop comparing themselves to ME too.
Oh, hey, hi there. Thank you all for coming back.
Still working day to day on this week's thing - Quit comparing myself to other people. Though not a life changer just yet, there are some definite changes for the better.

Anyway - today's post is same topic, but reversed.

I think I've said this before, likely more than once, but I'm like one of those movies - you know the ones - either you love it or you hate it at first viewing, and there is no grey area. No 'Well...'
No second viewing, no second chance.  I know this to be true about me. Not so much with my very close friends, but with the public and/or new people.
You see, I'm kinda an unrepentant Bitch.  Who pretty much gives no fucks what people think of me.


Now, I do NOT toot my horn of IAmSoAwesome, NO.
This can be a very bad thing.  This is often a weight thing, with strangers. "Am I as big as she is?"
Not a fun comparison.
"Am I as blonde as she is?" Not likely, I pay a lot of money for this hair. I pay more for it to be unique to me.

Am I as, am I as, am I as....I could go on and on.

I'm relatively new to my current job (long horrible story, but trust me, never ever order from GrubHub - you'll be putting money in the pockets of a man who likes to fire people for no reason, say "Because I can" with a smile on his face. anyway)
My new job is a growing company, and many have started after me.  I've only been here just under six months.  My focus is on me, get my shit done, get it done perfectly, become an asset to my boss, and his boss. Other than that, I'm good.
Yet.
Not too long after me, came a gaggle of new women.  Now, we were four or five women when I started.  We are now at least double that.
And they want to be as funny as I am.  They compare their wit and quickness with mine.  And, they fail.  I'm sorry, ladies, I have been doing this Humor is my Armor thing for too long to be unseated so quickly.  Especially when a perfectly crafted and timed joke comes out of my mouth, like poop out of a stately Clydesdale, and they follow along. They should be sweeping up, just appreciate it ladies! You're welcome, but no, they try to get their little clean up ponies to poop as well, and it's just NO.

I admit, and you already know, I have this weird self confidence.  It's too much, to some people. It's not allowed, to others.  It's just how I am.


A few years ago, I became much closer to a couple of my friends from Old Town.  We started a (still ongoing) IM chat that we rely on every day for cute animal pics and videos, hot British guy pics, advice, virtual shoulders to cry on, etc.  For a while, we started meeting for dinner before our Thursday night classes. More out of common schedules and the need for food than anything more formal.
One night, we were walking the very short distance from dinner place to school place. A girl (I'm sorry, she's probably 30, but to me, she's a girl) that the other two  know, and I barely tolerated from my class was following behind us.  Whatever the topic had been at dinner had carried over, and we were laughing about it as we went.  I said good bye to my pals, and went to wait for class. The girl walked up to me and said, "You guys are so, I don't know. You're just so - COOL."  Oh, trust me, the emphasis was there. Us? Cool? Yes, my friends are cool, they are super cool. Me? No, I'm just lucky enough to get to hang with them from time to time. Ah ha. She was comparing herself to me! And my two friends! Bad idea, sister.

See, what she didn't know, and what the girls at work don't know, and what strangers and best friends and all of the people don't know, is that I am not worth it.  Don't get me wrong, this is no cry for help, or comments, or compliments.  It's just the truth.  I'm just me, and I'm ok with me. I'd so rather they all be ok with themselves.
I get up every morning, eyes bleary. Turn on the news, laugh along to the silly anchors, admire their comedic timing, even study it.  While I brush my less than perfect teeth, I remind myself of this week's Get Your Shit Together introspection - Quit Comparing Yourself to others and I think about how I'm going to improve on that that day.  As I walk to my car, I remind myself how grateful I am for this job that I like a whole lot, at a neat company, with mostly decent people.  I'm then grateful for my new to me car. I go to work, I work hard to be an asset, I make people laugh.  I go home, and some nights I just cry it out. No reason, no catalyst.  Just a lot of self doubt, and baggage and skeletons and all of the other things that just mean shit in my brains.  I put on jammies too early, sometimes I eat candy.  I read until I fall asleep and then I let my yet untreated sleep apnea waft me into unconsciousness.  I get up and do it all again.
Someday, I'll be successful and not compare myself to others in any way.  I'll admire them, and learn from them, or I'll say a prayer for them.  But I will not compare.  And I hope, someday, the people that seek to compare themselves to ME will find the same kind of peace within themselves to also stop.

This week's thought to ponder / Quit comparing yourself to other people

I'm working on me.
Yes, again. Sigh.
I'm not reading self help books (yet), I'm not getting all motivational posty on the facebook.
I am taking time to reevaluate myself. My life. My...stuff.
Hence, the shaking the dust off this dinosaur again.

Oh, yea.  So last week, I got a brand new and not so small tattoo. It's beautiful, to me. It says Change your Mind, in an infinity loop, with some music notes.  Every day I look at, as I try to not itch it, and I take a breath and say yes, I need to change my mind.  As Ken Block says, 'It's not your life, but how you choose to look at your life'

So on that note.
This week's thing I'm thinking about - I need to quit comparing myself to others.

I know that I've been doing this more often in the past 12 months than I ever have before.
Here's an example. I'm writing it out for you, to bring it to light in front of my own stubborn face.

So, I love this band, Sister Hazel.  They have a pretty incredible fan base; The Hazelnut.  From about 1995 - 2005, I've been  my own Hazelnut.  I have friends that like them enough to go see them.  I have friends who like ME enough to go see them. I've seen them by myself, many time. For me, my fandom was singular. I was ok with that.
Fast forward to 2015.  Things were on the ups in my life, and to celebrate, I treated myself to a dream - I bought myself a ticket to Sister Hazel's Hazelnut Hang, in Isle of Palm SC.  I'd never been to an event like that, and I'd never been to SC, so to me it was a win win.
Disclaimer - the 'Nuts are lovely and friendly people. This is about me, and not them.
So. I go to the Hang alone, having connected online with some super friendly 'Nuts.  I fell in with a crowd who are way more dedicated fans than I am.  They go to all of the shows in their home states, and surrounding states.  They road trip to many other shows.  They go to both the Hang and the Rock Boat every year.  The band members recognize them, if not flat out actually know their names.
I regressed that weekend to about 14.  I wanted to be a part of this magical group, and I wanted in NOW.
I went home and bought a bunch of them gifts.  I started buying cards and mailing them out  monthly to these people.  I did everything short of sending singing telegrams to various states and people with the message PLEASE ACCEPT ME NOW.
For the past 12 months, I found myself comparing myself to them. As individuals, as a group, as a fan, and yes, as an outsider.  I tried to count the number of SH shows I'd been to in the past 20 years. I have a terrible memory, so I have no idea.  I read more about the band members, learned their wives and kids names. This was not me. I respect all artists, musicians are like Gods to me. But I know better. I've been around musicians for over 10 years at the Old Town School, so why was I being like this?

Because if I could compare myself to them and find myself on par, I'd find more value in myself.
'I had been weighed, I had been measured, and I had been found wanting'
I sucked.  No super fan am I.  I stopped listening to SH as much, and I thought less of myself.
Why don't they like me? Why don't they want to hang out with me?
Forgetting about the friends I already have, almost forgetting about the whole point of the love - the music.

Then, a funny thing happened.  The band's new album came out. Hm, sounds like it has some Country flavor to it? I did a tiny bit of research, and yes, they were trying out a new feel for this, their 13th album.  Cool.
I liked it. I loved some of it. I didn't like a few of the songs.  A video came out for a single, and it turns out, I hated the video. A lot. I got passionate again. I decided to voice (ok, write on facebook) my opinion of what I thought of the video and why.  I honestly commented when the band members asked what we thought of the video.
AHa
This was it.  I realized I didn't have to like all of it. There are songs of theirs I don't like at all, this was no new revelation for me.  What it was - a wake up call.
I tried my best. I was my best. I stumbled around Isle of Palm last year a mess. This was a dream trip, I was interacting with the band all the time, and at the same time trying hard to get a group of people to like me, because when I compared myself to them, they were better than me. Better fans, better friends, more fun, more alike.
Why, at 40, did I suddenly think that was important? Why did I hold on to it for so long?
Why was I comparing myself to this group of people?  One against so many is never a fair equation anyway.
I had set myself up for failure.

This year, when the Hang on sale date came out, I knew I wasn't going to be able to go.  Life had taken another nose dive at the end of last year, and I needed to recover from that, and buy a new(er) car.  The money I would have spent on the Hang had to go to that car purchase.  And it did.  And I love my 2010 Hyundai Santa Fe that gets me safely and consistently to and from ETown every week day.

This past weekend was the Hang, 2016.  I followed every post, watched every video.  I got a little upset that I don't get concert calls from anyone.  I cried a bit, because I knew what I was missing.
What I didn't do was wonder if they'd like me more if I was there.

I hope they like me, just as I hope anyone that I have such a big thing in common with will like me.

But, personally, I will stop comparing myself to them.  Collectively and mostly individually, they are great human beings. Very kind, very welcoming. I would have been so confused last year if Cheryl hadn't taken me under her wing and answered all of my questions and introduced me to people.  But I do see now, that the reason they seem SO so so cool to me is a little bit Cheryl, a little bit Meg, a splash of Bama, a dose of Greg..... and I'm just me. And I've just seen the shows I've seen. And maybe I'll get to go to the Hang again, and maybe I won't. I know I'll never go on the Rock Boat (not my thing). And that's ok.

Because deep down, I know that I'm still pretty cool myself.  And that needs to be enough.

And here is my new tattoo.
xoxo, reader.

Von was then, Miss is now?

Thinking of new names.
You know, for a new start.

Nope, no thanks

It turns out, I am an AWFUL judge of people at first meet.  And poker faces, I guess.

I thought that interview last week went great - both of the people I met with told me I would be coming back for a second interview with the COO this week. 

I got - hopeful - I even bought some new work clothes.

I had a great weekend, and even hummed my way through my Monday morning chores.

I got to Starbucks, turned on the laptop and sent an email off to the agency to follow up on the second interview.

And then I got the response.

The company had changed their minds.  They twisted one of my answers (on a "your strengths" question) into my weakness and said that was exactly what they were not looking for.
They said that I said that I am NOT a multi-tasker!
I am THE multi-tasker!  My entire "me pitch" is all about me being a multi-tasker!

I guess I really don't want to work for a place that would twist my words to make me look bad, but I was SO SURE this was happening.

Of course, I got this email in Starbucks, where I started crying and had to go home and crawl under the blankets and cry for the afternoon.

I spent the better part of this morning looking for health insurance.  I'm sick to my stomach over that.

I am so sad.  I am so tired.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Off topic, aka It's my blog, and I'll write what I want to!!

Not a job post!
But
A me making music post!!

I'm in guitar class right now, as always.  I've also joined the 60's Classics Ensemble at the school.  I joined this class to work on my vocal ability, and my harmonies.  I do not bring my guitar to this class, just me and a tambourine.

Both graduations were a week ago.

For guitar, we chose Just Like Heaven by The Cure.  I had known my teacher was awesome before I had signed up for class (she's a friend of mine), but when I saw that she had The Cure AND The Muppets in our song packet? I was excited.  I like my classmates - even though they had been together for months before I joined, they were very welcoming and friendly. 
So, I practiced and practiced and practiced the riff of the intro that I had been assigned. Our class is pretty big, so we had split up the intro into six parts. Two dudes and I had been assigned riff #1, which is awesome tab, but also is repeated throughout the song.  I already know ALL of the lyrics, because, c'mon, it's The Cure.

I had dinner with my teacher before class, as we do every week.  I told her I would be willing to sing, merely to sing OVER a super annoying and off-key ding dong in the class. Teach laughed and said ok.
We had about 20 minutes to practice before graduation.  No mention was made of who would be singing.
Our turn came up at graduation, and the program director asked who to mic.  Teach pointed at me and said "Von".
UM
I had zero water and was a little tipsy. I'm going to sing?!
I turned it down, but ended up with a mic in front on my anyway.  At least there were also a few other mics around, so it wasn't just me.
I NAILED the riff, every time.  I was soooo excited.
I also lost my voice right after the first verse of the song.  I didn't care. 

For whatever reason, I compartmentalize my musical attempts.  Guitar is for guitar - 60s is for singing. I dunno, I'm just weird.

Two days later was 60s graduation which was at a bar.  I tried to tuck myself into a corner, I thought it would work, since we are a huge group. Nope.
This teacher looked at me and motioned me to the front - to my own mic.
I was terrified.
It was a blast.  I had a great time.  A few of my friends and a bunch of my family came. I was nervous and self-conscious at times, but I had fun.
The next day, I asked VonSis for critique.  Not that she is a music critic, but at least she's honest.  She said that I got self-conscious at times (true) and I didn't sing out like the rest of the group.

I thought on that for a few days.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

As long as I can remember, I've loved music.  To me, it's like breathing, it's just always there and I need it to survive. I've also been singing as long as I can remember.  This was fine, probably, when I was a toddler, belting out to Fleetwood Mac and CCR, and Heart.  It was maybe even "cute"
Then, the 80s brought the invention of my life - a walkman.  That thing was surgically attached to me from the moment I got one.  Now, I was singing, but I had headphones on, and didn't realize how loud I was. I sang all day and all night.  VonSis would come in my room and tell me to shut up.  On long car rides, the whole family would tell me to knock it off.  I kept singing, they kept shushing me. A vicious circle of singing and shushing, shushing and singing.
I developed a compromise
I kept singing, but very very quietly.  Almost mumbly. Around all other humans.  All the time.
When I was 20, I got my driver's license, and a car.  I spent hours and hours driving around and singing. Alone. In my car.

Now, here I am, nearly 40 and wanting to sing.  But my vocal muscle memory tells me to shut up, to shush, to mumble.

I'll have to relearn to sing out.  To belt (a little).  To remember that I love it, and even if I suck, the joy outweighs that.

Plus, no one thinks I suck but me.  It's that whole "listening to your own recorded voice" thing.  I hate it when I hear my recorded voice - like when I hear a voicemail I've left, or a message. Yuck.  It's the same thing with my recorded singing voice - the lyrics? correct.  the key? correct. high C for 8 measures? correct.  In tempo? correct.  I just hate it.

At least this is a flaw I am working on with determination.

A People Person

I have been working since I was 15 years old. 
My first job was at the local pizza parlor that was owned by two brothers-in-law.  O and L.
They were tough bosses, fair.  The uniform was ugh - white pants and their flimsy logo'd tshirt.  White pants?!?!? What chubby 15 year old wants to wear that? But I did.  And I answered the phones and fell in love with the pizza boy. I was always on time and always worked my shifts.
I picked up a delicious pizza there last week.  I walked in the door and L said "VON!!! How are you? How is your family?" Yep, they still love me.  They don't ever, ever want to hear that I am nearly 40, but they have a soft spot in their hearts for the chubby little blonde who worked there for two years when she was in high school.

When I was 16, I got a job at a hardware store.  I was a cashier. I was always on time, fell in love with the lumber yard dude.  I wore a gold smock with the logo on it - a big smiling beaver.  I worked a lot, was always on time.  I moved on up to the service desk.  I still had to wear the gold beaver smock, but I learned how to price out lumber and custom doors and do mathy stuff.  On my last day, three of the lumber yard guys sang "End of the Road" by boyz to men as I walked out.  They gave me flowers.  I'm still friends with a couple of people I worked there with.

When I was 19 I decided I didn't want to go to college anymore, I was going to go find a real job.  I signed up with an agency and quickly found a job working as a file clerk at an  insurance company downtown.  The big leagues!! VonParents were happy for me and bought me a lovely business casual wardrobe.  I had pretty dresses and even a trench coat.  I took the el every day and went to the Art Institute for lunch breaks. 

Right around 21, I was an asshole, and I got fired.  I was on the phone with my boyfriend and friends all day. This was stupid. I learned my lesson.  I'm still friends with one of the people I met there.

I got fired in August, so I took a month off and hung out in exbestie's pool. All day. Every day. I still lived at home and didn't really have bills, so I wasn't worried.

September I walked into another agency in answer to an ad they had placed for some job in a bank.  Instead, they hired me to work there, at  the agency.  I was 21 and placing people 10, 12 years older than me in jobs, and fixing their resumes.  We drank beer on Friday afternoons.  I'm still friends with both of the awesome women I worked with there.

When I was 22, I started to look for something else, I liked my job, and the people, but I needed more money.  I found a job at AutoParts Place really quickly. 
I was 22, and a receptionist with a 10 minuted commute. 
I LOVED that job.  I was there over 10 years, and I kept moving on up the food chain.  I went from one job to the next to the next to the next.  I went from a department of 12 to just me in Chicago and the rest of the department in Boston.  I fell in love with a warehouse dude, got engaged to him, and called off the wedding and the relationship all while I worked there.
I held out for more - money, responsibility, whatever - until I couldn't anymore.  I decided on 1/1/07 I would look for a new job.    I found one in July.  The CEO of AutoParts Place even flew out before I left, and visited me.
"So, where are you going?"
"Big Stupid Company"
"Ah. I can't talk you out of it then."
"Nope:"
**hindsight makes me wish he had**
I am still friends with MANY of the people I worked with there.  As far as work families go, we were/are extremely tight.  We weathered business changes, great joys, horrible sadnesses, crazy people and crazy times.  I feel fuzzy warm love for several of the people I worked with there.

I loved my last job.  I did.  I learned so much from some incredibly smart people - smart women.  Women who I admire and will remember.
But, I'm not sure I'll be friends with many of them.  Not by my choosing.  I haven't seen M since December.  Lots of empty promises that we WILL see each other, but even those are getting less frequent.  There are so many people I do not miss (see yesterday's post). 
Is it because I worked with a lot of sales people? And in general, I distrust sales people? I don't know why. 

This whole post originated with the thought that I MUST have value, I MUST be a good person, or friend or something, or else why would all of these people, going back 25 years, even want to stay in touch with me?  I may have lost that direction along the way as I typed.  It became kind of a chronicle of jobs.

Whatever, it's Friday. So I can do what I want.

Looking back

Ya know, I'm getting over my last job. Finally.  Sure, I miss the people (most of them), and I miss the perks and hours and all of that.
Yes, I had it GOOD.  And I know that.  I worked my ass off, but I had four weeks of vacation, seven "summer Fridays", two personal days, a bunch of holidays, an hour lunch, an unenforced dress code.
And much, much more.

But, here's the thing.  They let ME go, and kept Lazyoldbitch?
Lazyoldbitch is 900 years old.  She'd use a steno machine if she could.  She's lazy, rude, nasty, and evil.
And, they fucking KEPT her. 

At my job before the last one, the President used to ask of his people - "What are the working hours I am getting from this person?"  That stuck with me.  I'm going to be totally honest.  When there was work to be done, at both of my last jobs, they got 95% working hours from me.  Yes, I internetted, and chatted with my bestie.  But I worked my ass off.
Lazyoldbitch?
Even though she was forced to come in and be at work 37 hours a week, she still got out of actually working. She would waddle in the door at 7:58. Then she would stink up the bathroom for about 20 minutes. Then she'd have to chat with her buddy (who also did much less work than I did) for another 30 minutes. Then, as her people started to arrive, she'd sit at her desk and have her second breakfast of the day.  Her own people told me that they "knew better than to speak to Lazyoldbitch before 9am!!"
Um, even though her start time was somewhere between 8:00 and 8:30?
She would then shuffle some stuff around her desk, say nasty things to me, chat with her family long distance on the phone and on facebook.
Lunch time was always a treat.  She'd shovel food in her face while playing solitaire (God only knows how she got to keep that on her work computer, while everyone else's had to be removed).  She would then make sure her people weren't paying attention and would them put her feet up and read her book for another hour.
She only ever moved quickly at  the end of the day.  She even had permission to leave early every three weeks to have her nasty stringy frizzed out hair done. Um, what?  Her "working hours" were about 1.5 to 3 a day.

So, as I look back - I have stopped being sad and saying "why me?" and started getting angry and saying "why NOT HER??"

If that company thinks she has more value than I did, then it's a damn good thing I am not there any more.  She's a piece of shit. 
If karma is real, I'd love to be there when it bites her in the ass.

I'm hoping to see her again someday soon.  I just want to walk up to her and tell her she is a hateful, ugly and lazy bitch.  Then I will walk away and never give her another thought.

Brighter Days?

Thanks to my commentors for making me feel better.  I am selfish, I value the comments.  Y'all rock.

So, here it is, another week. Well, mid-week.  I think it's Wednesday?

I had an interview yesterday at a cool place for a procurement/operations coordinator position.  This is a direct hire job that I am interviewing for through the agency that does not hate fat people.  First, the office is a five minute walk from the train station (big ups!).  Second, it's in a cool old building - all exposed brick and natural light and stuff.  I met with the hiring manager who was all kinds of sweet and lovely.  She's a self-proclaimed perfectionist, well, so am I!  I also met with the VP of finance.  She was smart and quirky.  They both mentioned it is a work hard/play hard environment.  They also said they work a lot of hours.  I'm ok with that if the pay is right.
They want me to come back next week to meet with the COO, who is the hiring manager's boss.

I'm very hopeful about this one.  Not because it's all that I have right now, but because I think it would be a good fit.  People don't leave this company - their turn over is very low.

I also just turned down an opportunity to become a part of a start-up.  The main reasons I turned it down are that I don't think it's good for my mood/brainz to work from home right now.  I've been home the better part of three months, and it's messing up my head spaces.  I need human interaction. Remind me I said that next winter, as I wait for the train.....
The other reason is I'm not too keen on the instability of a start-up right now.  I need to play it safe for a bit, I think.
Nice guy, a friend of friends that I trust.  I did offer to help him write the job description, set up a time line, and pre-interview candidates for him.  I'm not sure he'll want my help with any of that, but we'll see.

I took Monday off this week, from all jobby things.  I ran errands, took a nap, watched tv.  It was so needed. I felt like a million bucks yesterday.  I was all confidence and not cocky during the interview.

So, a short updatey post this week.  I'm in a good mood. I'm going to spend this afternoon reading a book, I think.

Size blocked and other fun shit

Sorry, folks, but this blog is going to be out of order, time line wise.
Because today, I want to tell you about this week. Because FUCK what a week.

Last week, OffMgr gave me a direct lead at a placement agency.  There was a job that really sounded perfect for me.  She thought so, I thought so, one of the reps from the agency thought so.  I contacted the person who's info I was given.  Communications happened, and a meeting was set up for Monday morning.

I got all dolled up, I wore a dress that was both interview worthy and comfortable.  I did my full face makeup, all of the details.  My hair was clean and brushed and neat.  I was clean and brushed and neat.

I arrived 15 minutes early - a little too early, I admit - and gave all of the information to the front desk ladies.   I was ushered in to a small room and waited. 
My first meeting was with the contract to hire rep I had spoken to on the phone.  She was lovely and delightful.  I gave her my best sell of me, she gave me her best sell of the agency.  I felt confident I could work with this person.  Sure, she is young, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and make a partnership with her. 
She then asked me to remain in the room so I could meet with the direct hire rep who was repping the job that I felt would be perfect for me.  M walked into the room.  I stood up and shook her hand and sat back down.  She did a full on look me up and down twice; sized me up, literally.  She made a 'tsk' sound and pursed her lips (it was disdain, clearly). She spent about three minutes with me, had no interest in anything I had to say, and told me "We have nothing for you at this time. Thanks for coming in". 
UUUUMMMMM but you do, bitch, you totally do.
As I was walking out it hit me, hard - the looks, the sounds, the posture - She's sizeist.  She saw me, and found me un-marketable, and therefore not worth her time.  The only other possible explanation would me that most of my tattoos were visible during the meeting.  But, that is something that can be properly discussed.  If that was the issue, she should not have had a problem saying anything.

Bitch, please - I'm fat, I have six tattoos, most of them visible.  I also can run circles around you in professionalism, tact, and even your job.  Hell, I DID your job when I was 20 years old.
So, fuck you.
I'm still considering working with the contract to hire rep, but the direct hire rep is dead to me.  She could beg, maybe.


That was just Monday!!
So, I hear that Threadless is hiring, a position I can totally do, and would be great at.  I use the FB for it's intended purpose, and put out a status asking for any help with contacts there.  I know that a lot of my friends from Old Town have contacts there, so the post was mostly for them.  A kinda friend writes a comment on the post that I should email or call her, she knows people.
So, I send her an IM letting her know that any help would be greatly appreciated, and that I had already applied via the website, as per the job link's instructions.
Her response flabbergasted me.
She basically said that she would ONLY reach out to her contact if I would start seeing life as the glass half full.  She was concerned about my "negative and sad facebook posts". 
1. I went back over the last batch of posts I had made, and very very few of them were negative.
2. WTF do  you know?!! I can't glass half full, because I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD THE GLASS
Let me state, she's a stay at home mom with a master's degree.  She owns an apartment building and travels plenty.  I'm guessing she doesn't know what real money troubles are.
And to throw conditions on top of a favor? What kind of friend does that?!
Thankfully, I have other, true friends who have connections at Threadless who were more than happy
to put in a good word for me, WITHOUT ANY CONDITIONS.
I want her to spend one week, hell, one day in my life, and then she can tell me just how I "should be living".

On the ups - I did have a great meeting at another placement agency on Wednesday, and a great call with another Thursday.  I'm in a good mood today, and hopeful that this is the start of things turning around for me.

Unrelated - Tomorrow is my "gig" with my 60's Ensemble class.  We are playing 10 songs at The Hidden Cove, a local karaoke bar.  It is my shining light for the weekend.

Thanks for reading - all job leads appreciated. Unless they come with conditions as to how my personality should be.

Start at the beginning

Seems like a very good place to start.

There had been rumblings and rumors since last year about another mass layoff at the company I worked for.  The public knowledge was that the portion of the larger company I worked for was going to be spun off to its own entity some time in 2014.  This meant new CEO, new C levels in a lot of areas, and, of course, "restructuring" and the like.

I had been with this company over six years at that point, and had already survived several mass layoffs.  It became kind of an eye-roller for my family and friends when I would voice concerns that the writing was on the wall and that I may be laid off this time.  I had been saying that pretty much every year I had been there.  So, they stopped listening. (Story of my life).

For five years, I had been a rock star on the small team I worked with .  I have a $650 watch and $300 bottle of scotch to prove it; these were bonuses/perks I received for all of the awesome I had been doing.

Then, in October of 2012, things took a turn.  We were being reorganized with a similar division.  In one day, I learned that my job was pretty much eliminated.
"But don't worry Von! We are giving you to the Client Services team!"
I was sat down with my VP and the Client Services Director to have this conversation. The Director was someone who I had fought with for five years about any number of things.  Even though that was the case, I still respected her, and was (once again) happy to still have a job.  I learned an entirely new position in a few months. I cut off contact with my former boss as much as I could, because I was instructed to do so.  I adapted, and happily so. I resigned to the fact that I was a pretty-good fish in a really fast-paced smart pond.  No longer a stand out, no longer a rock star.

Things went along.  I learned how to be a part of a team that was in another state.  I received little direction and no kudos from my new boss, the Director.  I really only heard from her when I fucked up.  I was lonely, yet I made the best of it.

In December of 2013, my former boss/mentor/friend was let go.  It was an awful, terrible day.  I knew then that I should worry and start looking. BUT NO - the Director assured me that this event had no impact on ME, or my career, or anything.  Blah blah blah. 
A smarter person would have started looking then and there.  But no, I drank the koolaid, and went along with the party line that I would be fine.

Again, I adapted.  I missed Rep terribly, every day, but I kept my mouth shut and my head down, as instructed by higher ups in the office.  I tried to become friends with my team-mates.  Like I said, I was lonely.

January came, and the talk ramped up to a frenzy.  It was pretty bad.  Every day was tense. 

February 4th, 2014.
It was a Tuesday.  Large Company loves to layoff on Tuesdays.  They probably paid big bucks to some consultant to figure that one out.
Office Manager is a friend of mine, she had let me know on Monday that layoffs were going to happen the next day.  I was soooo busy, had so many projects to complete, or start, or review.  For the first time in my work life EVER I was super-confident that I was going to be safe this round.
Still, I had a queasy stomach.
It was snowing that day, badly, so OFMGR mentioned that it might not all happen in the morning due to flight delays.  Hm, good point.  I was also finally able to get out of her that our office was expecting four layoffs.
Four, I thought, that's not bad, considering we had two full floors of people.
Heard from Friend mid-morning about two of the people. Both I knew, but were sales people.  One had volunteered back in October. The other was told a little in advance, so he was not surprised.  Friend and I decided to go out to lunch, just to get some fresh air. 
We came back from lunch in under an hour.  We went in the main front door.
I noticed two things right away.  1. The lights were on in the main conference room, they had not been on before. 2. The curtains in the conference room were partially closed, they had not been before.
Friend walked ahead of me.
I looked in the conf room, curiously.  My VP of $ was sitting at the table. Alone. On his phone.
And he waved me in.
I STILL DIDN'T GET IT, PEOPLE.
I offered to come back, he waved me to sit. STILL NOT GETTING IT.
He got off the phone.
"This is a pleasant surprise VP of $!"
"Well, Von, it's a surprise"  and he pulled a blue folder out of his bag.
NOW I GOT IT
I lost it.  I'm not going to lie, or try to pretend I was better than it.  I LOST IT
I don't even know what he said.  I just sat there, sobbing.  Of all of the big shots of my group. VP of $$ was someone I respected, trusted, and admired.  Here he was - ruining my life.
The first thing I said
"I thought I was doing a really good job"
This was also the second and third thing I said.
He told me more or less that it had nothing to do with performance.
He told me to apply for unemployment half a dozen times.  I don't know why that was his go-to, but it was.
He told me my last official day was 2/14, but that 2/4 would be my last day in the office. 
At some point, I told him I was not going to go postal.
I needed to speak to HR, but he could not get her on the phone at that moment.  We were both at a loss.  He asked me what I needed, and I told him that Saggie and Smether needed to not be at their desks while I packed up my stuff. (More on those two some other post/s)
He looked relieved/shocked. But at least, he could do this for me.  He removed the two bitches and the rest of their team, just to make the area completely clear.
STILL SOBBING
He left the conf room to make that happen. I texted VonSis and Friend "Laid Off".
He came back and let me know the coast was clear and I could go start packing.  I got MailroomGuy to help me pack up.  MRG was/is my true friend.  My desk phone rang while I was packing. It was VonSis
"Oh my God"
"sob sob sobby sob"
"....."
"Can you pick me up?"
"Where? Downtown?"
"FORGET IT!!"
"I WILL PICK YOU UP I'M ON MY WAY"

I grabbed all of my snacks and practically ran them over to Friend's desk. I kinda threw them at her. Apparently, she had not read her text message from me.  I told her what happened, I sobbed, I left her there.
I finished packing up so fast, I couldn't risk running into the bitches.  I spoke to HR, got my instructions from her. 
I said goodbye to VP of $$. Because I am a deeply emotional person, I want to say, and I hope - that this was hard for him to do.  I don't know, even now I look for the good in all people.

Mailroom Guy went downstairs with me to wait for VonSis.  He carried my boxes and patted me on the back. VonSis and VonBrotherinLaw pulled up in minutes.  I can't imagine how fast she was going.
VonBroinLaw jumped out of the car and took all of my boxes and bags and got them in the car. I hugged MRG, and looked back at the shitty, rusty building that I was so sure I was going to be retiring from down the road.

I got in the car.  VonSis handed me a 16oz adult sippy cup of ice and Rumchata. VonbroinLaw handed me a box of kleenex and took my car keys.

Thus began the shittiest time in my life.

Well, I'm back

I'd been tossing around the idea of bringing this monster back.  Who still reads blogs? Who would read/find/care about this one?

Then, 2/4/14 happened. To me. 
I got laid off in a national news mass layoff from the place I thought I was going to retire from.

Now, I need an outlet. Somewhere to throw things, and rant and rave.  Apparently, the gainfully employed really don't give a shit about their unemployed friends.  I don't mean to offend, it's not my intent.  I'm just getting the feeling that some of my friends are tired of hearing about my troubles. 
And, if I have to hear "You'll find something way better soon! You'll see!", I might punch a bitch.

So.

Here goes.

I've been working full time for over 20 years.  College was not my thing, and I jumped into the working world early.  I was 19 when I got my first full time job.  Each job I got after that was easy to get. When I was ready, or needed a change, I looked for a job and took whichever one best met my needs at the time.  I have never been fired, downsized, laid off until this year. 
I'm such a good worker bee that I am still friends with people from every job I have had.  Every. Single. One. 

When I finally had the stones to leave a job I loved, but was stagnating in, after 10 years, I jumped for joy when I got the job of my dreams - in advertising, for an amazing and popular major publishing company.  Sure, the industry is going in the tank, but I was confident that I was working for the first, best and likely will be the last one standing.

The older (and wiser?) I've gotten, I've learned to really appreciate what I had.  I'm single, no kids, no man, my work was what defined me.  If I was awesome at work, I was awesome.
Every night that I prayed, I thanked God for the job that I loved.  I was grateful to be there, and I asked God to let me continue to be there, or at least let me leave on my terms.  Aside from some awful, sub-human "co-workers" (to be fully explained in future posts), I was so very happy and never complained.  I had great hours, amazing benefits.  I admired my boss, respected my superiors, and genuinely cared for my team mates.  I could not have been in a better place.  My whole life was perfect.


For the first time in my working life - I was so very confident that I was safe for this round of layoffs.  I was so busy! I was so involved! I was well liked! I was totally necessary!

Nope.

I will never again be cocky or feel safe, and that's a sucky way to live, but I'm just being honest.  My confidence is shattered, my mood is numb at best and super scary dark when I can't control it.
Hence, the rebirth of VFN. 

I think that every post I write will be about this current sucky phase in my life.  Because if I don't get it out of my head, I'm worried ....... well, I'll just say I'm worried.

Totally not a cry for help - my family is so close to locking me up in a padded room.  They keep an eye on me waaaay more than I think is necessary. 

I know this is a  ramble, and I do apologize.  I am pretty rusty, and hope to have better structured posts in the near future.

Thanks for reading. V

So, Goodbye for now

I've thought about this a lot. 
I didn't sleep much last night, weighing the pros and cons, making a list, all of the things a person is supposed to do before making a decision.

Here is the end of this blog.

I almost wish I hadn't named it to include my name, because in a way, it feels like the end of me.

But I know that it's not.

I had the best intentions.  Ok, maybe not the best, but pretty good ones.  I wanted to write, to practice writing, to become a part of something.

I know this was a blog about nothing.  I know it was an angry rant, most times. 
Please know - while it was me, all of me, I'm not always that person.  I enhanced some tales for entertainment value, stretched the truth to get the laugh. 
I have feelings - I get hurt.  I have super happy silly days and some not so much. 


I am sorry this past year has been pretty crappy over here.  I've written a few posts that were more for me, to get my feelings out of my head and onto something I can go back and re-read - I've always had a bad memory.

I hope to still be around, I'm going back to just commenting.  I think I'm better at that anyway.  Turns out I can't do this. 

So, I'm sorry to everyone for everything.

To all of you

Even I thought I'd have written something sooner than now.

I am shocked and embarrassed to see how many days into November it is, and not a word from me.

Ideas have come and gone and been developed and discarded.

I'm afraid for this blogging thing. 

I'm afraid that I can't keep it up, and for no good solid reasons.

I'm afraid that my "community" is also flailing a little too.

I never realized before how much I actually (real life) like you people, until now - until I think that I'm losing you. Most of you. Some of you.

I've come to miss the actual emails and phone calls and texts and visits and developing friendships that used to happen.

I miss the catty chats on teh FB that I would have with some of you ladies, usually riling me up to start something with other ladies we don't like very much.

I hadn't really appreciated what I had here, until my Dad passed away.  That day, the third person I called (of all of the many many people in my life) was one of you.  And through her, this community rallied around me and showed me so much love and compassion and kindness - so much more than I probably even deserved. 

Up to that day, I thought I was a small time jester in a very large, much smarter court.

So today - no snark, no bitchiness, none of that -

I miss you - all of you.  I hold on to my friends as tightly as I can, because I feel if someone is in my life, they are valuable to me and I need to hang on to them, because they add to my value.  I feel I am losing this community, and I really don't want that.

So help me hold on somehow.

365

Good days and bad days.
Long days and short days.
Meh days, blah days, and just one of those days days.
Brilliant days and rainy days.
Quiet days and raucous days.
Full days and half days.
Holidays and birthdays.
Some days and those days.
Musical days and reflective days.
Stressful days and silly days.
Save for a rainy day days and expensive days.
Family days and friend days.
Work days and Sundays.
365 of these, all of these.
Each one of them less than, missing something, a little less bright.

I miss you, Dad, every day.

A break

I want to be honest with you all, so I'll just lay it out here.

I'm having a really hard time with October - and that's why I haven't been around.
I don't think you want to hear about my melancholy, my wanting October to both speed up and get the fuck over, and to slow down, because I do not want 10/23 to come.

I can not believe it has been nearly a year since my Dad passed away.

I don't want to write about it or him, not yet.

So, I just do not write at all.

It's not that I don't have other things to say - I do, sometimes - it's just that I don't really feel like it.

Things are just, you know, fine.  Like FINE in a fucked up insecure neurotic and emotional kind of fine. 

Work - fine
Dating life - meh, fine
Family - fine
Other work - fine

See - you don't even want me to write right now.

So, unless something super magical or inspiring, or God forbid really awful happens, I'm taking October off.  

I'm sorry, I never wanted to be this kind of blogger, but that's how it is right now.

Mini catch up

Headed to Connecticut last week for a big work meeting. 

American Airlines?  You and I are FINISHED. 
Flight out of O'Hare on Wednesday morning at 6:40.  Everyone gets on the plane, all things are stowed and all people are seated.
And the plane breaks or something.
Everyone, off the plane.

I get on the phone with my company's travel service, who are always so awesome. 
"Sure, Von, we will get you on the next flight!! It leave in 20 minutes and you have to go about 3,000 miles across the airport to get there! Have a nice day!"
Not her fault - she didn't know I was in heels and lugging massive barely carry on-ables. 
I get to the gate (barely), give up my luggage, and throw myself into the last seat on the plane. 
Of course, I caused upheaval in CT.  My pickup car had to be rescheduled, but no one knew which flight I was on, so ooops.
I arrived in CT about two hours past when I was supposed to.  Ooops.

Heading home, not much different - almost worse.  Our meetings ended earlier than expected on Friday, so we headed to the airports two hours earlier than we had planned.  I decided to see if I could change my 8:40 pm flight home.  I waited in line for about an hour, and finally put on my best face and headed to the counter.
"8:40? That flight was cancelled....."
best face gone.....
"But this is good because I can put you on any other flight I want."
Of course, there was a flight leaving in about 30 minutes.
I get to the gate (barely), give up my luggage (again) and throw myself into the last seat on the plane (hello, old friend).
Only to sit on the runway for about an hour.

The Big Work Meetings were actually pretty good, for me.  I'm going to have a new position with new responsibilities and a new team and a new boss as of 11/1.  This means I get to keep my job here (YAY) and learn things and work on my career growth.  This is a very good thing.  There's not much I love more than my jobs.

I'd love to tell you more, but it'll have to wait.  Lots of secrecy and such.

Other than that -
I am super pissed about things on the home front. 
I am still kinda dating a couple of dudes. 
I'm tired.  Very tired.

Best feeling ever!

Wow.

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted.
I'd apologize for that, but no.  I haven't had anything decent to write about, and I didn't want to bore you.
I didn't realize, however, that it had been almost a month.
For that, I suck.

Anyway.

MAN DO I HAVE A POST FOR YOU TODAY!!!!

For those of you who have read this blog from the beginning, you know that I have "the one that got away", and sometimes I write posts about him.  And I sigh and I tear up and I pine.
So, for this story, let's call him GA (GotAway, got it?!?)

Yesterday, I went to my new super fun bar where I play fantasy football.  For no reason at all I decided to look super cute.  Jeans that fit, no saggy butt, a very cute Bears tshirt (vneck, cleavage), did my hair - I looked kinda adorable.
I was very early, I wanted to get a good seat for the game.  I was sitting by myself playing with my phone when a couple walked in.  They stopped right in front of where I was sitting, and had their backs to me. 
"Hi, GA. Hi DirtyWhoreWhoStoleHimFromMe"  calm as all get out.
They turn around - "Oh! HI Von!"
They asked if they could sit by us, I had to say no, I was saving seats for fellow fantasy players.

Admittedly - at first I FREAKED OUT.  I was so irate they were there.  I started drinking a lot more quickly than I had planned.  I texted everyone I could think of who would understand the importance of the crisis of GA AND his lady being there.

My FF friends showed up and I decided just to let it all go and have a good time with the people I was there with.  GA and LF (lady friend, I guess. I can think of other things that start with L and F, but I digress)  were sitting far enough away, yet within my line of sight so I could keep an eye on them.   Looked like I wasn't the only one who was pounding the drinks.....

By the middle of the first quarter, GA started hugging me everytime he was near me.  I expected sparks and stars, and got neither. 
Around the middle of the second quarter, GA asked me if I was staying for the whole game.  I gave him the blank stare - of course I was staying.  He asked me to do a shot with him in honor of our friend who had passed away, and also for VonDad.  I agreed to that.

Half time rolls around, and I have to go in the other room to play our FF league game of Bozo buckets.  Good times.  I walk back over to the other side, and there's four shots of Jaeger lined up on the bar.  Four? I wonder? 
GA tells me to go get "my friend"
"Um.....(I look around) Which one?"  Not being a bitch, here, just really have no clue who he's referring to...
Light bulb goes off, I go get Pete, my 24 year old league Commish. 
He comes and does the shot.  LF gets mad because GA does not clink his shot glass against hers, so she refuses to drink it......mmm hmmm, that happened.
So, LF orders two more shots.  Apparently "my friend" is off the hook for GA's flub, and now the three of us are going to do another shot.
OK FINE.  GA makes sure to clink glasses with LF, while keeping his other hand around my back.
I say thanks and move off to my people.  I can tell LF is getting drunk, and I know better than to hang around that hot mess too long.....

Third quarter, and I am showing some of the FF folks my most recent tattoo.  GA walks over and looks at it too.  He says "I still have mine"
"Ok"
His?  MY INITIALS, above a broken heart, quite large, on his arm.  I'm SURE that LF likes seeing that when they get naked together.......
This should have sent some sort of flutter across my heart place.
GA walks away.

The room gets very bright.  A choir of angels starts singing.  I have the greatest moment of clarity in my life.
I AM NO LONGER IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN!!!
The 14 years of what ifs and pining and love songs and unrequited whatever? All B.S.!!!
The fantasy, turns out, is leaps and bounds better than the reality!!!
He's......used up.  And.....not that attractive anymore - I don't see Dennis Quaid in him AT ALL anymore!  He looks pretty unhappy. 
A 14 year weight lifted off my heart,then my shoulders, then my brain!!
WHAT WAS I THINKING??!?

I realized in that moment that the years I had with him - the intense ones of black leather jackets, a 69 Mustang, the letters and love songs and fighting and making up and midnights showing up at my house and me sneaking out to meet him and lying in the grass looking at the stars and knowing I loved him and he loved me the best that he knew how - those were his best years.  And I had them. 
What/who he is now?  I don't want that.  And I certainly do not NEED that.

I started smiling.  Making jokes with complete strangers.  Have a great time.
Middle to end of the fourth quarter, I noticed LF was shooting death stares my way.  GA and LF seemed to be bickering.  Uh oh - I knew this was not going to bode well for me.
Bears win!! I hang around about 10 minutes more. 
More death stares from LF.
This is my cue.
I say good bye to my FF friends, and promise to see them next time.  I say good bye to GA.  So much more meaning behing my "Good bye!!"  He hugs me (900th time of the day) and reminds me to say good bye to LF.
I lean over and say "Good bye, LF"
She responds: "Im gonna move to Alllllasha."
"Alaska?"
"Imma mooove to Allasha so you two canbetogether....."
I laugh - my real, genuine, I feel it in my bones laugh "Ok, LF. See you."
GA hugs me AGAIN (this is not shocking to you, at this point I'm sure."
I smile at him.
I grab my things.
I go home.
I fall asleep smiling, and guess what?
I wake up this morning, smiling. 
I'm smiling so much, I look like I have the best secret in the world. 
And who's smiling back? EVERYONE.