Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I can't even. Bleh.

"Why do you need a flashlight" (garage door going up) "Because I need to see if I can see it" (garage door up, light on) "You don't need that flashlight" "Why?" "I see it. Right there." "What? Whe Oh my God." *silence for a nanosecond* "Is it dead?" "I think the nose is twitching. That's RIGHT mother f*$ker! You shoulda never come in MAH garage!" "Yeah, the nose is twitching. I think." "What do we do?" "You stand there. If it moves, watch where it goes. I can't open the stupid packaging around the flashlight." "You know I am going to barf, right?" "What? I can't open this stupid plastic!!" "I SAID you know I am going to barf, right?" "Why?" "It's so big. Go in my house and get scissors." "If the tenants come out, pretend you are doing nothing. Just standing there like an idiot because you like the snow or something." "I hate you." (I stare at thing in garage. Convinced it's not only twitching it's nose, but somehow growing. Not like it isn't the size of a house cat already. Waiting for her with the stupid flashlight. Still not sure what we are doing with the flashlight. I really am going to throw up. Or run. But I don't run and there is snow on the ground.) *Oh.No. The tenants are coming out of their apartment* "Close my front door!" "Ha ha!" "Um, the tenants" "Go in the garage." "I don't want to. It may not be dead." "Whatever, it's at least sick. Go in the garage." "That's right! Die! Serves you right mother f&*ker!!" Sigh "It's dead." *flashlight plays over the long, fat dead thing* Out comes the cell phone. She's taking pictures. "What are you doing?" "Taking pictures." "Why? Don't you have to call the city or something?" snap. snap. "They don't care. I'm calling my father-in-law." Snap. Snap. "Seriously?! How many pictures do you need?" "What? So?" "Just call someone to get rid of it. Oh my God. It's so big." Thus ended the life of the rat that thought it was a good idea to take up residence in our garage, and possibly made a foray into our basement. I think perhaps maybe I saw it in the basement on New Year's Day, but didn't mention it thinking I was crazy. He let his presence be known on Saturday, when he scared VonSis half to death as she tried to get to her car in the garage. Wanna guess who was doing all of the swearing and was going to blow chunks in the above conversation? Two guesses, first one doesn't count.....

6 comments:

onepretentiousbastard.com said...

Vomit is an appropriate response to a rat. So is screaming MUTHAFUCKA! as you try to kill it.

I'm just thinking of a mutual friend who will FLEE a moving car if s/he sees a bug in the car--that is not appropriate.

Von said...

Thanks for backing me up TheMarty.
Oh, that friend? S/He fled the moving car that s/he was DRIVING at the time.

Poptart said...

Holy Crap! I would totally barf too - or scream, or both. This is a great post! I can totally tell who's who. Now, for the pictures - please post? Or will VS post to FB or something?

So flipping funny. The poor thing didn't have a chance with you two on the scene...

rotten mcdonald said...

Isn't this the basis for a Stephen King story?

Soon to be a motion picture staring Timothy Bottoms and Matt Frewer.

Wenchie said...

It was you and Nicki. You were the one about to barf.

And I can't BELIEVE you didn't post the pictures!

Von said...

Oh, RM, if ONLY it were the basis for a story! Alas, this was my life. I still run through the garage to my car, afraid of the rattyghost, dunno.
Wenchie - you are so correct.